Barring a crisis today, I am going to talk with the wife after we put the kids down. Two topics are on my agenda. First, I need to explain to her what sex with her means to me. The emotional connection, etc not just a horn dog release.
Secondly, the last time we had sex she made the comment again about how foreplay was all about me and not her. I really do not understand this. I have tried for 14 years to get her to tell me what she wants here. When I try to get response during the act, she acts all frustrated when she has to say or do anythig. So, I am going to see if I can get some clarification in a non confrontational manner.
Does your wife know you are going to be talking after the kids go to bed? I find that helps her be in a more prepared frame of mind if I "make an appointment" to have a discussion.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
NTE - I really think you should start with just the one topic - what sex means to you, the connection, and how you hope to save your marriage before its too late. (YES I do think you should word it like that, not a threat, just reality that the marriage will slip away without "fixing" this thing).
The second part, her requests for more foreplay, is going to be part of a longer "getting to know each other" process. In my opinion, you are going to have to get her on board for recovery first, and then talk about how to get there.
If she can't or won't get on board, realize how important this is, and decide for herself that she wants to save her marriage, then what will be the point of talking about more foreplay?
Just my two cents...
Separetely, in order to maybe give you feedback if I can, can you describe for me what you DO do during foreplay? I want to see if I can help you ferret out what she means by "its all about you". If that's too personal or you dont want to get into it, no problem.
Been thinking about how to answer this one for a while!
BTW, I will stick to one topic tonight. However,disaster number one just occured.
But, foreplay, almost easier to list what I don't do:
No breasts - too rough, too gentle, never have been able to figure out what works for her. Doesn't want them kissed, sucked, touched, rubbed, fondled, pinched, handled etc.
No oral. This one has always surprised me, previous relationships always got compliements here. She violently objects.
No kissing.
No massage (my choice) last time I did this for her to relieve tension I hit a nerve cluster and she passed out. I am a big guy, over 200lbs, my wife is five two and 110.
What is left is starting with head or feet, and gently traceing fingers etc behind knees, back. I love exploring her body even after 14 years.
After a couple of minutes of this, she usually tells me to get busy (unpleasently) so I move to manually stimulating her. Only allowed to touch her there during the process. Only one hand, ony one or two fingers. She lays there with eyes closed. To my knowledge, she does not masturbate and will not touch herself during our time. She will move my hand as correction (always with exasperated grunt) when she feels something is not right.
The room is generally set up before hand with candles etc.
At no point will she touch me.
I have read Cosmo and every book I can get my hands on. Even stuff where surveys say "90% of women want this", she doesn't.
She will not try any more adventurous stuff to get in the mood either. I have asked her before if she had any fantasies etc. Nope. Want to try any of mine? Nope.
I will respond later re: the foreplay issue, but were you serious about a crisis already happening which will preclude you being able to talk to her tonight?
OK so set the #1 topic aside if you need to, but do it tomorrow night! Or the next night! Point is - don't put it off too long. You will tend to lose ground with a woman by putting things off. Don't lose your forward momentum.
MAKE TIME for the discussion and stick to it!
Now as for your comments about foreplay with her...
Wow. You really do have a long road ahead of you. Given what you've said above, plus what I've read in your other post, plus the fact that you two never kiss each other...wow.
I'm not saying there is no hope. I'm just saying that it seems that your wife is not in touch with herself at all, or that she is totally wired differently than most women.
For this reason, my first suggestion to you is to NEVER read those silly Cosmo mini-articles. They are for the masses. You need to regard yourselves and your sitch as above the masses, ok? Its not that you aren't "normal", its that you are exceptional. Exceptions can be good or bad. Right now, you are experiencing her exception as "bad", but it is not necessarily bad. It just exceptional.
So please don't ever read a Cosmo poll about "what women want". It will only serve to frustrate you even more about your wife's needs and wants, because you wish she would just want what other women want so you could figure it out and give it to her.
As you already know, she is not going to make it that easy for you.
One quick question...do you really passionately love your wife, for who she is, and does the thought of being happily married to her give you warm fuzzies?
This may seem like a total dumb question, but it is going somewhere...
I have more of the warm fuzzies than I did. Working through things here has helped. However, typing all that out about our sex life just got me PO'd again!
I have been trying to kiss her more. She will peck only and pull back violently if I try to kiss her longer. Can't kiss her ears, can't touch her hair...
No talk last night. Huge fight over what tone we use with each other. I think the finacial stresses are telling on both of us. I was so mad last night I slept on the couch and was seriously considering divorce. Here is a woman that won't have sex, or when she does is about as interesting as a dead fish and on top of that, what a b@@ch.
