Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? separated 9 months and counting

I'm not sure if anyone has kept up with my sitch, but to prevent this from going too long, I'll keep it to recent events only.

A few weeks ago, the W called me at work after I repeatedly tried to get in touch with her to speak to our S3. It ended badly with her telling me something along the lines of "All I asked you for was time and space, and since you didn't give it to me, we're WAAAAY past that now"

Basically, she was telling me that despite the things she repeatedly told me about there being ZERO chance of reconciliation, she WOULD have considered coming back had I left her completely alone. There's only one problem: we have a child together. It is simply not possible to go 100% dark.

Since that conversation 2 weeks ago, I have spoken to her twice....once for approx 3 minutes, and this afternoon for less than 2 minutes. Both conversations were about our son.

She is acting very, well, odd. Short, one-word answers and vague conversation, even concerning our child. When I tried to make arrangements for him, she refused to commit to anything. I told her I was bringing him to the doctor Monday, but that I knew she would be sleeping (due to her work schedule) and that if she wanted to know what the Dr. said to call me. She never did.

What I am trying to do is respond in kind: avoid ALL conversation with her unless I absolutely MUST speak to her. I'm not quite sure if this is what was meant in the book by "going dark" or not....or if my actions will be misinterpreted, but I dont really have a choice.

I am taking her actions and am basically mirroring them....she doesnt ever call, so I never call. She doesnt notify me when her schedule changes, so I don't notify her, etc.

Leaving her COMPLETELY alone is the only thing I have NOT tried yet, so I guess I'll give it a shot. I just keep getting this annoying feeling like I have to make up some stupid excuse to talk to her, and then I spend the next 2 hours fighting myself to NOT call.

Regardless, I'm fairly sure this is going to end in divorce, but I'm still maintaining a microscopic bit of hope...or at least that our divorce won't be a total mess that will end up with both or one of us in financial ruin for years to come.

Here's to trying to stay strong despite wanting desperately for this to just be finished...either way.

do you have custody?
I agree with you, it's hard to to go totally dark with a child, though you are doing a good job at communicating just about the kid and not having R talks.
Stay strong, it's not over yet.

Well you are saying right there that you haven't done what she's asked. Time and space, it's a strange thing that's for sure. Oddly my wife said some similar things yet she was talking to me, emailing me, etc a good bit. Now she rarely does those things but she will talk to me and seems to enjoy time together when we have it with the kids. So who knows.

If there is something you need to discuss you might want to just send and email rather than try calling repeatedly. That will help her feel like she's getting the time and space. Be sure to combine issues into one email if at all possible too.

Lastly, remember what Michele tells us, "believe nothing they say and half of what they do."

we share custody....I lucked out and got the exact same schedule as my wife, but exactly the opposite. So, on the days she works, I am off and vice versa.

I've TRIED to do what she's asked. It has been about 2 1/2 weeks though that I've REALLY cut off almost all contact with her, except the absolutely necessary stuff.

"Believe nothing they say and half of what they do." yeah, I remember reading that. It gets hard to trust though when you hear the same thing over and over and over again though.

Well, at LEAST I have the fact that she has not filed yet...although I suspect it is the fact she doesnt have the money to do it that is stopping her, but I guess I'll take any time I can get.

I'm just REALLY focusing on trying to detatch from her and live my OWN life for the time being...and leaving HER alone. I figure at least of the D does happen (god forbid), I will have a decent head-start on getting my life back in order.

I got a text message from her earlier asking if I was going to pick my son up from her this evening or not.

I replied I would, and she replied with the time.

I am heading to her apartment in 15 minutes to go get my son for the weekend. I'm going to try and keep it matter-of-fact and will TRY to simply get my son, wish her well, and leave.

Will post an update of what goes down, if anything, when I get back.

UPDATE:

Just left her house. Man....seeing her and then having to leave really breaks my heart.

It just doesnt seem natural somehow to be apart...at least to ME anyhow.

Just gotta stay strong even though I miss her terribly. I think I'd give just about anything for us to get back together, which is why I'm willing to swallow my pride and be patient.

prayers would be a good thing...

I know hon, it is totally unnatural, but stay strong, will keep you in my prayers, give her time ok? and keep GAL and focusing on your son, have a great weekend together.

She has been showing all the signals of wanting to be divorced. She has been buying new furniture for her apartment, got a new pet, etc.

I'm beginning to think that what I thought to begin with about why she hasn't filed yet is true afterall: She knows our state is a 1-year wait state, and she is just waiting for that to be up before she files since she would have to wait anyhow. I have a little less than 3 months before the 1 year date arrives.

I've been doing what I have to do, and have not spoken to her since I last wrote that we spoke unless it was specifically about our son.

I've been nothing but nice to her, and she has only seen me while I am in a good mood (not really, but I fake it really well). I've been doing things with our son and just trying to get a life.

For father's day, she sent me a text message that simply said "where is S, happy father's day". I brought him to her apartment sunday night, and she didnt say a word to me. I focused on our son, told him I loved him, gave him a hug, and told him to be good for mommy.

I then looked at her and said "Well, I'm gonna go. It's getting late and I dont want to intrude if you're getting ready for bed."

She said "Okay."

My standard reply is always "take care of yourself"
She said "you, too" and gave me a reluctant hug before I walked out the door.

I dont know...if she had doubts about wanting the divorce, why would she be buying new furniture and new pets?

Very discouraging.

buying stuff doen't mean it is officially over, at the time my stbx moved back he had bought lots of stuff for his place, he moved everything back to our home.
I suggested this to someone else, just as testing the waters and see if she'll do something with you and your child. Ask if she'd like to be present as you take child for a portrait session, not a date nor an outing, just to see if she wouldnt' mind going there and meeting you and your child.

Don't make much of any of the purchases, in all likelihood that's her just trying to create her own identity and create her own space. As I understand it this it fairly normal behavior. Shoot even I went out and bought some new clothes, a car and some additional furniture. Life goes on, households have to be taken care of, clothes replaced. Its all just part of life and in this situation there a little freedom in the decision making.

My wife has done the clothes, new car, painted parts of the house, new bedroom furniture thing. You know the odd thing, she asked my about all of it at some point. Shoot the car was a big deal and I was glad to assist her in helping her make a decision. I offered up objective thoughts and kept my personal opinion out of it and all the other things too. She appreciated it all and has said so.

So remember its just her taking advantage of the little bit of freedom she feels she has now, nothing more, no underlying messages to you or about your relationship.