I understand what you're saying about your son and the school. Also, we were at Benning for 11 years, so I just wanted to say there are options for school for him there, not just Spencer. I understand your reluctance, but for your information, there is a top-rated public high school which he could probably get into and I think they have a top baseball program too. Just in case.
That being said, we gave our daughter our word on school too. Now, my husband wants to "erase" us too, and our promise to her. Being overseas, if he says we have to go, we probably have to. Fortunately I think I have convinced him that he can't get rid of us quite that easily. I don't know what he is thinking. Our counsellor here says that even if he moves out, it's going to look really bad for him because he is taking the 1SGT position when he gets home. Wish me luck! I'm thinking of you.
Thank you all. That is good to know about Bening. I didn't realize there were options. Then again, he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I think he's possibly hoping I'll move the area so he can be near the kids. That's ludicrous but it's the way he thinks.
Well, I just screwed up so instead of being in watching the Food Network with him (actually, our idea of fun, believe it or not), I'm out here feeling stupid. He saw that we didn't have any food (or gas and gave me $120 this morning. Plus he took the family to McDs for breakfast. I was supposed to go to the grocery store this afternoon but we had plans to take everyone to the pool in the neighborhood and meet up with some friends there. I didn't want to be left out so I went to the pool instead. Afterwards, we were all tired and he said, "why don't you just run to KFC and get dinner" I took all the kids with me ("but it's Father's Day" he says, laughing) went to KFC, the kids wanted BK, put gas in the van ($50 and it didn't even fill it up), went to the convenience store to get milk and pepsi and a candy bar for each. All in all, everything totaled almost $100. I have $20 left for food. There was no way I could get fast food AND groceries AND gas. He didn't say anything at first. I said that I realize now that I should have done more to make the money stretch and contribute the income (when we lived together). I said I had some really deep thoughts about all that going through my head but that I would just save it for an email (my rule for myself this weekend is no R talks). After awhile, he came up to me and said, "actually, I am upset that you spent all that money and you didn't even get groceries yet. Why did the kids have to go to BK. I thought you could get everything from KFC". I told him that the kids didn't like KFC so I just got his and mine there. They were really hungry and I didn't want to eat without them getting their bellies full. I apologized. Said I should have gone shopping first instead of to the pool so we wouldn't have gotten to a place where it was too late and we just needed to eat.
I said, I know I screwed up, I'm sorry. I didn't want to overreact and make excuses and justify each item. That was a problem that bothered him in the past. He "felt" that he couldn't speak his mind about decisions for his family or have another opinion or correct me if I was wrong without some big emotional drama scene from me. Yep, I pretty much did that. I'm realizing now that it was a way to intimidate people (because I could one-up just about anybody on anything and make sure I had the last word)and keep them from correcting me and me feeling inadequate. So I didn't do "more of the same". I just apologized, admitted he was right and excused myself and went outside.
But now I'm thinking about something else. So often, like now (and last night when he mentioned about getting the house clean for clearing), I get defensive or mildly attack because I often feel like I can't do anything right in his eyes and that I'm stupid and incapable of making a good decision or correctly executing a plan, etc. That's how I feel right now. It was a big thing for him to give me money today. It was what HE SHOULD DO but with his attitude towards me lately, I was "lucky" to get the $300/month out of him. Yes, I know I can go to command and strong arm him into do everything I want. I'm good at that. I'm good at making sure things line up on the outside to go the way I want. But I wanted to try something different (and totally depend on God in the interim to make up the lack) and pray and be kind and give him a chance to have a change of heart, rise to the occasion and provide for his family. So that's what happened today. I was very happy. But now, he's getting ready to go back to school, we had a great weekend together and now I "gave him a reminder" of something that really makes him mad about me. The truth is that he really doesn't have a realistic grasp on how much things cost. Or maybe I just was feeling good and didn't want to think about being frugal for once. I don't know. I just know that I feel lousy now. He's going back to where he can see and talk to the OW and now I've given him another "reason" to not want to be with me. UGH! I'm sure it doesn't help that it's "chocolate week", as we call it around here. Or as some call it, "Aunt Flo's arrival".
On the plus side, he gave me my Mother's Day present because he wasn't here then. It's a very beautiful Austrian Crystal tennis bracelet. Out of character for him but very much loved! I got my friend to snap some paparazzi-style photos of him and me shmoozing at the pool. I plan to put them on my blog. Still hoping the OW's private investigator instincts (what she does for a living plus being a paralegal) cause her to do a web search of his name and that she comes across my blog with "the rest of the story" and beautiful photos of our family.
Just an aside: he is the ONLY one I ever feel insecure around, feeling like I can't do anything right or am stupid sometimes, etc. Around most everyone I know, I have a strong air of confidence mixed with humor over my own shortcomings. With him....well, I want to please so badly and I want him to "approve" and said, "good job, hon" on stuff. I don't come across that way but inside, that's how I feel. Instead, I show a hostile or sarcastic or dramatic "take the attention off of me" stance. Doesn't work. So now I just admit he was right, if he is, and tell him how I really feel instead of shouting it. Big baby step for me. :-)
Well, the crisis was averted, thank God. After going outside to type it out, I went back in and he was fine. I was prepared for the silent treatment when I do something "wrong". Nope. He wound up staying until 11 pm which was a shocker because he had to get up for PT the next morning....5 hrs away! When he was leaving, I walked him out to the truck and he emptied out his wallet and gave it to me because he was worried there wouldn't be enough for groceries. He mentioned again that he was upset that the money didn't go further. Again, I apologized, did a small explanation and that was the end of it. When he called the next day to tell me something about the van payment, he apologized for criticizing me for not keeping better track of the money because he had done the same thing but with the van payment and the money he was pulling out of the ATM. That was a big step. :-)
When he left, we hugged and it was one of those moments where you're not sure who's going to let go first. He held me for a long time and rubbed my back. He said that he had a great weekend and I thanked him for the sacrifice to get up there. I know it was expensive in gas in his old truck. The kids had a great time with him, too.
I saw a couple things that could've gone the wrong way (as they did in the past) but we handled them differently and they went away. That was a major accomplishment. Even separated, we used to fight horribly (actually, worse than together). I was starting to get upset because he slept so much during the day when he only had 2 days to be with the kids. But fortunately, I held my tongue. When he would wake up, he was refreshed and ready to go and we had a lot of fun as a family. Then I remembered that his schedule is such now at school that he does the bulk of his sound sleeping in the middle of the day. I was so glad I kept quiet about that.
Oh, gotta run. Baby's up. I should be getting internet hooked up at my house today. I can't wait. It's just basic, bare bones internet but at least I don't have to go outside in the heat for just a couple of minutes of online time.
Well, I just got the internet hooked up at my house. Nice to not go across the way to get online but I'm so conditioned to doing that and only having a few minutes that now I can't seem to find anything to say. lol Knowing me, I'll think of something. :-)
I feel confused and wanting to back away. I'm just going to type and see if it all comes together in the end. lol
I got some reassurance that I needed this weekend. Yes, there's no doubt that he loves me. And yes, there's no doubt that he enjoys my company. And yes, there's no doubt that we both are making positive changes....BUT.....*sigh* do I want to do this? Do I want to trust again? I'm scared. I'm sure he is, too. Then there's the other women....yeah, not so sure I'll ever get past them. Not so sure I can ever trust him again to not go there.
I was wondering if he and the OW had broken it off. I looked at her myspace page on Monday and saw that she took off the thing about having a wonderful boyfriend. I checked on her friends page and saw that OW had left a comment about a breakup but couldn't tell if it was her breakup or her friends. So, I logged into his email (which I now feel so sick about because I really don't want to get into that bad habit again). There was nothing anywhere to or from her that I hadn't already seen (and even that wasn't really much of anything). Then I logged onto his messenger and saw all kinds of names of women. Checked the profiles of some of them. One was a woman that I had found out about a year and a half ago. She's older and a grandmother (but still younger than me). Back then, I had talked to her at length and told her in no uncertain terms to stay away from him. Apparently, she decided otherwise. Whatever. She's not really a threat to me just the fact that she's still around bothers me.
I know I'm obsessing about other women right now but truthfully, that is the main thing that I just cannot tolerate or control. Other problems between us, I can see them working out. In fact, I'm already seeing progress. But other women? I don't know. It's HIS character flaw. I really don't believe it's about me not cutting it as a woman or a lover or whatever. It's his problem so how do I improve myself to make his problem go away? I can't.
We had a good weekend and it feels like a corner has been turned but nothing is being said. He called today to get the number for housing and transportation because he needs to start that process. The movers get booked quickly. His orders say he reports to Bening on August 1 but he doesn't graduate school until July 24. There's not enough time between dates to clear. I wish the orders would change. I wish he would get reassigned to some really sweet job here. I've seen it happen before. I'm really getting worried that he's going to want to work things out and have me and the kids move to GA and I will be faced with that horrible decision between my husband and my child. Normally, that wouldn't be a question. But considering the hell he has put this family through, I don't feel he has earned that privilege of us making such a sacrifice for him anymore. Not to mention that it will be hard enough to work on making the marriage healthy living here but to put the strain and tension of a PCS move to another state on top of it? I think that is just inviting disaster. Or maybe it's just because I've been there, done that, got abandoned.
Have been reading DR but I don't think I'm "left brained" enough. lol Actually, I don't feel like I have much brain left. Still waiting for my lab results. My thinking feels so muddled. Gaps and confusion then clarity and then gaps and confusion. I was going to get those supplements (adrenal and thyroid) but ran out of money after getting groceries. If my doctor would just get on the ball, I could get my thyroid meds adjusted. Hate waiting on army doctors. Takes so long.
Not much else to say. Guess this would be a good time to catch up on everyone elses sitch here. Rarely had time for that when I had no internet.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.... I met with a financial counselor the other day with the Financial Readiness Program here on Post. Plus, I met with someone in the Employment Readiness Program (I just realized that a lot of programs here have "readiness" in the title. lol) Got a lot of great advice and came up with some game plans. I really felt empowered and "armed" when I left.
This is how I'm looking at things: I have to live with ME forever. I need to make necessary improvements as a work in progress. I used to make changes based on what would help the marriage but now my focus is on making changes that are lasting and make me a better person and mother. If, in the process, the marriage is salvaged and becomes healthy and lasting, well that's just a fringe benefit, not the goal.
Haven't read your entire thread yet, but don't give up posting. If nothing else, at least for me, it's therapeutic just writing down what is going on in my sitch, regardless if anyone gives input. Don't get me wrong I do look forward to others insights and comments, but there is some benefit in just journaling.
I understand your hesitancy to do a PCS move in the middle of all of this. I am in the same boat. However, I've decided that it will be much easier to have a chance to work on my M with my W if we are on the same coast at least.
I think the advice you are getting from the two Readiness Programs is good. I actually use to work at a Navy Fleet and Family Readiness Program and they have some very good resources, for individual and family counselling as well.
Don't know that I feel qualified to give any advice - not doing so good myself right now, but know that you are not alone in all of this!
Thank you. I know. I just feel discouraged and confused today. A little disoriented. I think it's because I was feeling on top of things and then he came up this past weekend. I saw how well we got along and felt how nice it was to have him around us and things felt complete. But I know that they are not. Seriously, to avoid the pain and confusion anymore, I really just want to erase him out of my life like he doesn't exist. I hate this back and forth feeling. He doesn't want me. I have to accept that no matter what it "feels" like when he's around me. I can't let myself misunderstand niceness (is that a word? lol).
I think I'm feeling out of sorts because he called last night to get the numbers for housing and transportation so he can get things started and the reality of not having a job or anywhere to live yet have hit me. I'm not going to Georgia with him. I have not money and no housing. Should be interesting. Don't mind me right now. I'm feeling cynical and need to go redirect this negative energy into something positive and productive.
I'm very frustrated today and keep snapping at my kids so I think I need to go for a run or something.
