Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

Puppy - I have been reading your sitch all day. Still not done with it - probably a little more than halfway through. Thanks for posting. Now I understand the constant 2x4s swung in my direction. I'm far from the end but i take it that you guys are back working on things from what i saw. God Bless.

Yep -- going good. Still got the clashing libidos issue, but we are best friends again and have entered a whole new phase in our relationship. She treated me like a KING on Father's Day, and I can see her reaching out in several areas that she knows are important to me.

Bill - Honestly I am kind of glad to see that you struggle a bit with my sitch also.

It has been very hard emotionally lately. In that regard I feel like I have slid back quite a ways. That's why last night I chose to stay away - I needed that space.

But I do agree with you about the R stuff. In a way - I felt like we have gotten a little closer even though this may end terribly. I really feel she is gaining trust in talking to me again. I thought this morning was very strange the way she stood next to me filing her nails. I could almost feel the conflict going on inside her.

Good point about looking back - won't do that anymore - fight onwards!Thanks for the support - I have plenty within me to continue. I'm just a bit confused as to how to continue and as you put it - how available to be. It will be interesting to see what kind of reception she gives me tonight after last night and this morning. I guess I'll have to read that and make a decision.

That's great - it gives me hope - there were many similarities. Congrats on perservering.

Mules,

If you've made most of the income, why can't you keep the house? Can't she move out? Or are you assuming spouse support? If she has a marketable skill/education, I wouldn't think that would extend beyond temporary. Besides, the boys will undoubtedly be with you, and any alimony would certainly be offset by child support she would have to give. I imagine it would be a wash. So, unless you can't make the house payment by yourself, I wouldn't sell the house. Don't do something you'd regret. Or is it a matter of splitting the equity? Maybe something could be worked out that would delay needing to pay her off (ie "she gets half of the net amount if you sell" or x amount of dollars in 3 years if you don't"...something like that). Or in lieu of child support (+/- temporary spouse support), you'd keep the house.

Me

P.S. I think you've handled everything else well. See how relaxing it is to do your own thing rather than hover around her hoping for some quality time?

Phoenix - I make 95% of our income - maybe higher than that. I can pay for the mortgage - I am just assuming that I will be paying alimony and stuff...I also think she will fight for custody of the kids. The amazing thing is that she wants her freedom but knows that morally it is wrong for a mom not to want to be with her kids. She would never want people to think that of her. I guess it will end up getting ugly and we will have to bring up her past - depression, OCD. I'm just assuming the worst for myself and if anything to the contrary happens - that will be great.

I am trying to consume myself with coaching my S10's travel baseball team. We had practice tonight and then I took our boys to Mickey D's for dinner with a few friends. Just got home and she is complaining it is too late and the boys will give her a hard time getting up in the morning. It's their last day of school. She says that while laying on the couch watching TV as i put them to bed after taking them out all night. Oh yeah - she must be tired - she spent 20 minutes at the tanning salon instead of meeting us for dinner (the kids asked, I didn't).

Definitely more relaxing - but strange. I always cherished quality time with her. Oh well, it is what it is. I'm praying she comes back someday.

Journal - Tomorrow she meets with her psychologist. I'm nervous - i think this is the last real shot. I lied awake in bed last night reminiscing about old times. How happy we were. The reason is that she picked out a bunch of pics to make a DVD for my son and his graduation. When I got home yesterday she stood right next to me and showed me it and said remember this and remember that. God we were so happy, had so much fun together, were so in love with each other and our life.

Interesting thing - I had made our family room into a very modest home theater on a budget with an amazing sound system. She was so proud of it that back in early January she went out and bought 6 theater recliners for the room as we redecorated. At the time I asked her if she was sure she wanted them because she loved to lay on the couch and watch. At the time she said "No way, these are much better". We moved the old couch downstairs. When I got home yesterday from work she told me that she laid downstairs on the couch and watched TV and that she really missed the couch. I laughed to myself because at one point about a month ago I told her that I wish we never bought those recliners because it took a little of our hominess away and to me they had become a symbol of our struggles.

I'll admit that I am scared to death of where this is going. I think she is going to make some very bad decisions while she is in a very bad frame of mind. She has been doing a lot of laying around this week. Seems very depressed then pops out of it. On Sunday her cousin is having a surprise 40th anniversary party. It's about a 2 hour drive for us. She RSVP'd 2 weeks ago and told them we were coming. Everyone was happy and thought that was a positive sign. Now she has been flipflopping on whether to go. I told her I would stay home. But in reality I really do want to go as I like all these people very much. I've always had a very good relationship with them and haven't seen them in a while. When I left this morning she said she thinks she wants to go and definitely wants me to come if I want to.

Anyway - I have been doing good with detaching I think. Did my own thing again last night and was pleasant to her this morning and went on my way. Last night when she came to bed she bumped into me a couple of times - it kind of woke me up. On the train this morning i thought about that because she had been so far over in the bed that was never an issue. And both times she did it last night she said she was sorry. If it wasn't the middle of the night and i was half dead i would have said no problem - it's the most action I've gotten in a while - but who has witty comebacks at 3am?? I hope everyone is doing good today. She is going out to dinner with her prayer group tonight (kind of ironic??) so I have the kids. I am looking forward to doing something fun with them.

Hey guys - Help me - I just slipped up. My W just called me at the office and kept me on the phone for over a half hour. She is very emotional today. She talked about trying to be more open to the boys sports schedules and that she knows she is giving them a hard time. She said that on Sunday that maybe I should stay home and take S14 to his game instead of going to the party. She said she wants me to go but she knows that my S14 has missed a couple of things and she doesn't want to make him miss again for a function on her side. She also said that she is going to come to my S10 game tomorrow morning after she meets with her psychologist.

She then talked about saving money and her job and paying bills. She said that she is getting closer to her parents again and that she is looking forward to going to her therapist tomorrow. She said she knows we are spending a lot of money right now and wants to slow down and that the meeting with her L cost $350 and she is still going to meet with another one and that this is very hard. She said that since she is only working 2 days a week she is going to fire the cleaning woman that she has come every 2 weeks. That will save us $200 a month. She was talking about a lot of things and very emotional and I just stayed on the phone with her but was thinking that here I go again - letting her rope me in and not detaching. Why do i keep letting her do that to me?? She again thanked me for being so good about this and knows it's really hard.

So here i am again - a zombie at work with a lump in my throat the size of a softball. The A1 sucker who can't let go.

Mules,

There's nothing about "detaching" that says you can't discuss the family's finances or the childrens' logistics with your spouse. Just do it in a friendly and businesslike manner.

I think her plan for the party is a bunch o' b.s., for what it's worth. I think she just doesn't want you going to that party because of what you might tell people. Still, that being said, if she is willing to trade that off so you can take your son to one game, and she can take him to another, I think that would be a good thing, since she never goes to ANYTHING of theirs.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy - I just think she called because she is very emotional today. Her voice was cracking the entire conversation - she was fighting back tears. So who does she call - me. That's the first time she called me at work in over a week. I really think it was a result of the detaching from the last two nights. That's why I feel like she was using me again, pulling the yo-yo strings.

I also think you may be right about the party. But this wasn't a trade off - this was me taking him on Sunday - she wasn't doing anything. She sounded as though the guilt of her not being at any of the boys' activities was coming out.

She seems so conflicted right now. She also got her parents to agree to pay for her therapist. She said she never takes anything from anyone and always pays her own way (I got a kick out of that one - right from my direct deposit) and this is her mental health (that's the way she put it - a glimmer of hope!)