He has been volunteering once a week at a daycare for homeless kids.
wow. that is awesome. and awesome about his involvement with the kids too.
Did you happen to apologize to your H about the escalated discussion? I know it IS really difficult to not open our mouths when we want to. I think part of that is us women don't like to wait for answers. Most of our men procrastinate, or avoid topics as those, so we want to get things done asap. Plus, our lives are so chaotic that we want to talk about things when we think about them....we might forget later. I think part of changing is starting a new habit. So whenever you think of something you want to talk to H about, just stop, and say, will talking about this now get me a good answer or good discussion, or could it be better if brought up at another time? Then right the problem down as a task that needs to be done later. or perhaps just tell your H that you would like to discuss something and when would he like to do it.
But you need to start forming a NEW habit. I have the same problem, and I'm still working on it too, but I'm doing better.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Did you happen to apologize to your H about the escalated discussion?
Yes, in fact I think I apologized during the actual discussion.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
I know it IS really difficult to not open our mouths when we want to. I think part of that is us women don't like to wait for answers. Most of our men procrastinate, or avoid topics as those, so we want to get things done asap. Plus, our lives are so chaotic that we want to talk about things when we think about them....we might forget later.
YES! That's me... I need to put on the brakes more, like you suggested. I need to find a way to let him know when the important things are bothering me, in a way that doesn't make him feel put down. I just don't want to be pushing things under the rug.
totally agreed. We all need to decide "Is this something I can let go, or does it really bother me?" and then either let it go or take action. Sometimes we can just DO something, other than just speaking.
The big thing is that your recognizing this and your trying to be more effective. Many of us don't recognize it and just keep doing what doesn't work.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
YES! That's me... I need to put on the brakes more, like you suggested. I need to find a way to let him know when the important things are bothering me, in a way that doesn't make him feel put down. I just don't want to be pushing things under the rug.
I think I could have written that. If you find a way to do this, let me know. As you know from my thread, I also have to work on my timing...when I get upset, I want to deal with things right then rather than waiting for the most appropriate time. It is difficullt to think your issues through and completely change the way you deal with them before discussing them with your spouse.
It seems like you are making progress trying to do this.
Hi Upside, It's good to know that I'm not the only one with this problem! I think I'm getting better with time, but that's not saying much since I used to pretty much say whatever was on my mind to h.
Not much is going on. There is so much in the R that I want to work on and I don't see any major changes happening right now. Nothing bad though, either, except for those doubts that keep creeping in, usually when I wonder if he's telling me the truth.
We're going on a family trip next week- 3 nights away. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm a little nervous. I've always had a tendency to get very stressed around trips, holidays and other special events. Please send me some "chill vibes." Thanks!
I feel sick. I just saw that h spent a good chunk of his day watching porn videos online. Ugh. When he was supposed to be working on a big work project that is late and that he's been complaining about for weeks. Ugh. This has been an issue with us for a long time and he knows it really bothers me. He must have forgotten to clear his history and I happened to see it. Should I say something? Should I click on one of the links and have it sitting here on the computer waiting for him when he gets home? I am so mad, sad, disappointed, especially since our sex life has been close to nonexistent.
(((na))) I am sorry. I know finding that on the computer has to hurt. Good for you for thinking this through before confronting him. Has your H previously had a problem with porn? When is your next C appointment? Do you think it would be a good time to address it then? If you do decide to say something before C, maybe approach it with concern. Ask him why he feels the need to look at porn?...why he is finding unhealthy ways to spend his time rather than working? I don't think I would pull it up on the computer for him to find...letting him know that you know. That seems kind of passive-aggressive...seems to me it would embarrass him and make him feel even guiltier. IMO, it is something that needs to be calmly and openly discussed with care and concern with or without the C there.
Keep reminding yourself that your H is using this as another form of self-medication. It is a way for him to continue avoiding. Do you know why he has a fear of real physical and emotional intimacy?
This is so hard and I so admire how you are handling everything. Keep being strong...I am sure this will eventually get easier.
Yes, I think he has a problem with porn and has for a long time. We have discussed it extensively in the past- not since the reconciliation though, so I am treading lightly here. Sometimes I wonder why this bothers me so much, but it does. I agree that this is a good topic for our next session, but I don't have one scheduled yet (C is off this week and we're on vacation next week).
Quote:
Keep reminding yourself that your H is using this as another form of self-medication. It is a way for him to continue avoiding. Do you know why he has a fear of real physical and emotional intimacy?
I never really thought of it as self-medication, but I guess you're right. I suspect that this relates to issues stemming from his family history. The C has started to explore it a bit with us.
So, here's how I handled it last night: I didn't say anything and I didn't leave it up on the computer either. Instead, I tried to put it out of my mind and act as-if when he got home. And.. we spent a little special time together in bed.
I just read a book called The Porn Trap - I think you would find it helpful too. It talks about porn use as something that eventually becomes a physical addiction, with very real impacts on relationships.
Thanks!
