LMAO, here's some tweezers for the splinters, cause you're gonna get another whack, from me.
Why would you put a time limit on this. Holy Crap. This is your family we're talking about.
My H said some DAM comment about 8 months ago, that he thought we should give it 12 months, then if I wasn't "crazy in love with him again, we should D". Do you think I can get that out of my head. WTF!!!! I give this man 17 flipping years to get his head on straight, & he's going to give me 12 months. Eeeeewwwww I get pissed again just thinking about it.
Take the time line off the table. hugs.
Thanks SC for the whack. It wasn't so much a time line to end it as it was to draw a line in the sand for myself to reevaluate the sitch. I do have time you are ALL right about that, at this point I am not battling OM/OP EA/PA that I feel fortunate about. So truly time is my friend, just get a bit impatient and lose my train of thought.
W sends me a text in the morning telling me to have a nice Fathers Day and to enjoy it. That meant alot I know she didn't have to do that so it was extra special.
Had both of my kids with me D11 made cinnamin rolls in the morning for us and then they cooked an early supper and did great everything was tasty! They gave me some nice cards and gifts couldn't have been more nice.
So I decided to come out of the dark and contacted W via text, to tell her what a great job they did and that they did her proud with the cooking, W is an awesome cook IMHO and enjoys teaching them how to do it. She responded with "GOOD I taught them something I guess". She then said "Wow! I am impressed. U contacted me first. That has not happened since all of this took place! Glad u had a nice day". (maybe I shouln't be so dark?)
So instead of texting W calls me on the cell. I asked W how she was feeling her bike ride didn't go to well she over did it and was not in good shape. She got to a point where she couldn't go any further and started to call people to come and pick her up, she tried D17 couldn't get her, she tried calling her mom and couldn't get her finally she got ahold of D17 so she went and picked her up. Her mom called her back and said why didn't you call Brian? W said don't know. So I asked her why did you not call me? W said, "well I was angry at you for being late and being a A$$ in the morning (Mike you were right on this) and being mad that's probably why I pushed & went to far, I can't call you everytime something goes wrong, I don't know maybe it was my pride". I said, "you can always call me especially in that sitch, I asked you once before not to make decisions based on pride please don't do that". She says, "I know you did and you are right it's not a good way to make a decision".
She then tells me she went to the library to check out some cd's and instead gets 6 books on relationships? She then says, "I know what I am". I said, "whats that?" She says, "I am a WAS"! I'm like OMG WTF? She says, "I have been doing ALOT of research and Goggled 'seperation' and this was a definition I ran across". So I play stupid and just listened and validated where I could while she explained the definition of WAS. She says, "why do you want this when I have been such a total b$%ch to you I have been so mean I treated you worse than a dog for 9 months I am so sorry I just didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling" (somebody HIT me cause I can't believe the things coming out of her mouth, the clarity she is coming to tells me she is understanding it?) I say what I have said all along, " I just want you happy and if that means letting you go then I will I believe in this marriage we have both done wrong but it's not too late to make a difference, and cause I love you, you are truly my best friend". With that said she broke down sobbing & saying, "I miss my best friend so much where did he go?" I said, "that's where I let you down, I got so involved in makin a better life for you & the girls, that I forgot to be a husband, father, friend, and lover & I am sorry". I said, "we men are very simple animals, we think as long as there is 'nagging' we think we are doing it right, give us books with out words & just pictures and we can do anything you stop 'nagging' & we freeze and start freaking out that there is something wrong and try to fix it". She says, "yeah and you men think with your other head too much". I chuckled and said, "honestly that is how men express their love it's what makes us feel close and that we are doing it right". She replied, I am beginning to see that you weren't just trying to get some and that it was honest emotion. I said, "I probably smothered you too much with wanting to be close with you". She said, "no I just didn't feel I deserved that kind of love". (here you go again my 2 wise ladies SC, Gypsy)
W tells me you need to loosen up, you are so conservative, go with the flow more be alittle crazy show some emotion why are men raised not to cry? This is something I am working on and I think she is noticing it. It was a long phone call alot came out mostly positive I think she is open to being friends as we both agree it got lost. She still believes that it was right to leave & I'm thinkin now maybe it was also, she seems to be doing alot of soul searching and is genuine in her apology's.
She asked me again why do I want this? So I went outside of the box and threw caution to the wind and told her, "besides what I have said in the past and believe, it goes back to 14 yrs ago when I saw you for the first time and said to myself, I am going to grow old and die with that woman". Sorry guys after I said that I just broke down sobbing I let it out and then she started crying and said, "why could you not show me more of that side of you caring, you saying that and reacting the way you did to it tells me alot".
I ended the convo there & said you need some rest and said thank-you and goodbye.
I know this is long I am sorry there was alot said and I wanted to give as much info as I could remember it took alot out of both of us. I know I have forgotten some and as I remember I will update and go from there.
W sends me a text in the morning telling me to have a nice Fathers Day and to enjoy it. That meant alot I know she didn't have to do that so it was extra special.
Had both of my kids with me D11 made cinnamin rolls in the morning for us and then they cooked an early supper and did great everything was tasty! They gave me some nice cards and gifts couldn't have been more nice.
So I decided to come out of the dark and contacted W via text, to tell her what a great job they did and that they did her proud with the cooking, W is an awesome cook IMHO and enjoys teaching them how to do it. She responded with "GOOD I taught them something I guess". She then said "Wow! I am impressed. U contacted me first. That has not happened since all of this took place! Glad u had a nice day". (maybe I shouln't be so dark?)
So instead of texting W calls me on the cell. I asked W how she was feeling her bike ride didn't go to well she over did it and was not in good shape. She got to a point where she couldn't go any further and started to call people to come and pick her up, she tried D17 couldn't get her, she tried calling her mom and couldn't get her finally she got ahold of D17 so she went and picked her up. Her mom called her back and said why didn't you call Brian? W said don't know. So I asked her why did you not call me? W said, "well I was angry at you for being late and being a A$$ in the morning (Mike you were right on this) and being mad that's probably why I pushed & went to far, I can't call you everytime something goes wrong, I don't know maybe it was my pride". I said, "you can always call me especially in that sitch, I asked you once before not to make decisions based on pride please don't do that". She says, "I know you did and you are right it's not a good way to make a decision".
She then tells me she went to the library to check out some cd's and instead gets 6 books on relationships? She then says, "I know what I am". I said, "whats that?" She says, "I am a WAS"! I'm like OMG WTF? She says, "I have been doing ALOT of research and Goggled 'seperation' and this was a definition I ran across". So I play stupid and just listened and validated where I could while she explained the definition of WAS. She says, "why do you want this when I have been such a total b$%ch to you I have been so mean I treated you worse than a dog for 9 months I am so sorry I just didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling" (somebody HIT me cause I can't believe the things coming out of her mouth, the clarity she is coming to tells me she is understanding it?) I say what I have said all along, " I just want you happy and if that means letting you go then I will I believe in this marriage we have both done wrong but it's not too late to make a difference, and cause I love you, you are truly my best friend". With that said she broke down sobbing & saying, "I miss my best friend so much where did he go?" I said, "that's where I let you down, I got so involved in makin a better life for you & the girls, that I forgot to be a husband, father, friend, and lover & I am sorry". I said, "we men are very simple animals, we think as long as there is 'nagging' we think we are doing it right, give us books with out words & just pictures and we can do anything you stop 'nagging' & we freeze and start freaking out that there is something wrong and try to fix it". She says, "yeah and you men think with your other head too much". I chuckled and said, "honestly that is how men express their love it's what makes us feel close and that we are doing it right". She replied, I am beginning to see that you weren't just trying to get some and that it was honest emotion. I said, "I probably smothered you too much with wanting to be close with you". She said, "no I just didn't feel I deserved that kind of love". (here you go again my 2 wise ladies SC, Gypsy)
W tells me you need to loosen up, you are so conservative, go with the flow more be alittle crazy show some emotion why are men raised not to cry? This is something I am working on and I think she is noticing it. It was a long phone call alot came out mostly positive I think she is open to being friends as we both agree it got lost. She still believes that it was right to leave & I'm thinkin now maybe it was also, she seems to be doing alot of soul searching and is genuine in her apology's.
She asked me again why do I want this? So I went outside of the box and threw caution to the wind and told her, "besides what I have said in the past and believe, it goes back to 14 yrs ago when I saw you for the first time and said to myself, I am going to grow old and die with that woman". Sorry guys after I said that I just broke down sobbing I let it out and then she started crying and said, "why could you not show me more of that side of you caring, you saying that and reacting the way you did to it tells me alot".
I ended the convo there & said you need some rest and said thank-you and goodbye.
I know this is long I am sorry there was alot said and I wanted to give as much info as I could remember it took alot out of both of us. I know I have forgotten some and as I remember I will update and go from there.
Brian
That is what I'm talking about. That is what I'm talking about.
Now, no pressure. Be her friend.
From here on out, you have to PUT HER FIRST.
Really good Brian, really good.
Think she might consider MC?? Since she has been doing research? Did she mention anything about working on the R??
Its like you cant screw things up. You thought that you did but look where it went. This should be an inspiration to everyone. Best of luck!
I appreciate that, but I am just doing like everybody else, taking it slow, making mistakes trying different things and then sitting back and watch what works. This I do know about my W when I have screwed up in the past done something stupid whatever it was, and apologized for it, thought it was okay then but in reality she never took the apology and in turn just piled that on top of other resentments and boom here we are. So I am just listening to her listening and learning from people on this board and hoping for the best.
Yes, but how long has she been out of the house, just pretty recent huh? And no D filed yet. I skimmed back over a lil of your sitch, but have read so many, and have crappy memory, forgot the basics of yours.
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
Thanks BobbiJo, the last 2 times we have spoken have been very open and honest, I listen and validate and try to stay the path she is very confused about herself and what she wants out of life but seems to at least be thinking about it, her anger is gone for the most part doesn't seem to be spewing at me for the time being.
