Well I will try this one more time. I was typing and then suddenly the window just closed.
I am doing well and actually feeling optimistic about my future and my life. I have been listening to Oprahs' new eart Webcast and it is really hitting home with me.
I see how it is going to help me oh so much.
To grow and move forward instead of staying here stuck in my self and stagnant within my own Life.
I also see how I have been afraid to feel the old and just push thru it and let ig go. I have the power within me and always have.
I have the power to love my H and to love myself more importantly, but ~I was in my own way. I have the power to feel the ugly feelings and then let them go and not hold them in me anymore. I alone have been sentencing myself to carry around this pain. I alone have the power to let it go and not hold onto it anymore. My H can ML to me and tell me he loves me til he is blue in the face and while I hold on tight to the past I will stay there.
I am sooooooooooooooo tired of living there and living in my old way and not living in the now and enjoying what I have here in front of me. My H is in front of me and I want to love him like he and I deserve and instead of Ml to him and feeling him...... really feeling him I am stuck, stuck in the past like I am in the mud literally and I cant ML to him when I am in my head thinking about all this other bullsh*t. So yes on paper this seems so simple but I for one know it is not.\It is extremely difficult. But I am at least aware now and I am going to work hard to be in the now. I am going to work hard to let him feel me, not my fear not my pain and not my insecurities. ML to those things instead of him.
I still struggle with this and hope to one day be able to say yes I ahve released my inner sexual being for good. I also see that I need to desire him not to just be in the mood . I need to want him , he has to feel my want and my need. I was comfortable in the fact " ~Well he knows I love him so EVERYTHING is ok and it should all flow"
Wrong and also I need to flirt with him more.... Maybe then he wil flirt more with me in the long run. I dunno why I have that part turned off in me.. that will be something to look for in me and ignite.
I have been trying to understand this and look at it upside down and sideways and bent over backwards and it didnt trun on any light for me and it had no action behind it. I need to shine within myself and feel who I am so I can let him see me and feel me once and for all.
It is so much easier for me to hide behind everything. I can hide behind all the pain you caused me cause you hurt me and I dont want to open myself up anymore and take the risk anymore. Why risk it when it can just be ok.
I see now that I am asking him to love someone who is not really me. He sees who I am underneath all the faking it. I am a beautiful Woman who is scared out of her mind to let go and turn myself over to you. If I let go instead of holding on so tightly.... ...... maybe you will really see who I am.
~...... fall in love with me even more and maybe I will be so Happy I cant contain it. That would be so foreign to me, I am used to the pain.
......used to you letting me down. And letting myself down too!
If I take this chance will I be able to shine when you fall down and arent there to pick me up. I want to learn to love myself enough for me to shine regardless of you. Your love isnt enough I need to love myself and know that I am IMPORTANT TOO!
I love you but you were not put here to hold me up when I am feeling weak all the time. I also was not put here to fix you.
I vow to stop carrying the past with me into the bedroom and into our life as much as I Humanly can to set my pain free and to really let you see me and get to know me the me who is here underneath all the fear and pain. It was easier to carry it around than to let it go and chance getting hurt even more.
I want to live now, live with you in our home and wherever we are make our love better and ML to you with my being, not my fear. ~Wow I bet it will feel so amazing. I cannot wait.
I am excited to live this "new" way and a little sacred too. A little scared that now that I am aware I will fall down more than triumph.
I am ready to take care of myself , love myself and love you too. To realize how beautiful I really am and to be free of the past and the way it holds me down..... I really think I am......
I am new here and haven't read any of your posts except this one. I just wanted to say - wow, what a powerful post (this last one).
I hope and pray for you that you can find that sexual being within yourself and offer her 100% to your husband.
I - unfortunately - am divorced. My husband and I had many problems, sex being one of the biggest ones. I now know that, like you, I never really gave him 100% intimacy. But I also now realize (years too late) that I was literally too immature to experience 100% intimacy.
NOW...I am experiencing it, with a new partner. But I really wish it was something I could have given my ex-h. There were other problems too, but I really wish that was one problem I could have fixed on my end. Because now that I am experiencing giving 100% of myself to my new man, I realize how many years I missed out on such a loving and wonderful experience of mutual love and pleasure.
Early in my R with my H I was totally present in our lovemaking. ...... and now it seems I bring everything but the D*MN kitchen sink in the bedroom.
I do find when we are not in our home or our regular routine something in me is different... more to think about!? I am however ready to just have it be my H and I in bed and making love not all that other stuff in there too.
he even said to me today when I am with you I forget about everything...
so why has it been so hard for me?
I am working on this and no longer analyzing it to death and hopefully the results will be amazing.. I will keep you all posted. I want progress, I want passion back and I want to feel him, I want to be present when we ML and fully there like I used to be... God bless... and thank you for your reply. DQ, I really do appreciate it. I love others input on this board.
Well I feel like I need to post and put my feelings into words. For me it is a good release and a good reference point for my Journey.....
I am also saddened and confused by the way this board seems to be so "proper" now and doesnt seem to have ~LIFE.
When I used to come here I could drop in on any random thread and draw knowledgr from others and , cry and laugh too. Blush occasionally and say to myself you know what I never looked at it that way and genuinely change.
It genuinely breaks my heart that I do not see that here anymore.
MY M has greatly grown and as a Human Being ... I have grown tremendously by taking in what I have read here. It was is if the person posting was here with me and I could really take in what was posted and use it for movement forward.
I also used to put books that I had read down in my posts, is that breaking the rules also?
I was never trying to break rules .... I genuinely dont believe any of us are. All of us want to be here to provoke thought and to grow and to change and to make our M the best it can be.
Were there a few bad apples or is it going towards being just this shiny version with no real Life behind it. Life is raw and organic and sometimes doesnt have order.... sometimes , most of the time. We are trying to find ways to live better with our significant other and live genuinely.
So why does this seem so stifled to me. I posted here weeks ago hoping to get some advice and still have not heard a thing..... And I feel I am ok with this,, but what about someone who is in pain like I used to be is he or she getting help? I hope so....
this board saved me literally. Without all the real people here I dunno if I would be Married to my H anymore.
Is there a way to get this board up again that would please everyone again? I truly hope so and I will pray for this.....
This place really can work Miracles in us..... where is everyone? I dont need everyone to post to give ~ME advice. I am not that ~EGO centered I just dont feel the Life in here that I used to. and it breaks my heart ~really.
Where did the vibrant community of before go, you ask? Sometimes it helps to highlight a response, Alimari, and everything becomes clear. Have you ever tried that?
Alimari Is there a way to get this board up again that would please everyone again?
I don't think the old group will come back. I don't think they would be welcome, and that is the main problem.
I know they have a better cyber life on another forum.
This forum got lots of people through some tough situations, as is the new forum doing for many of the regulars that used to post here along with new blood.
I am also saddened and confused by the way this board seems to be so "proper" now and doesnt seem to have ~LIFE.
Well, a few moderators said some of our honest posts were not within the DB guidelines, and they were blocked from posting. Now we can (the non-banned members) can post what is considered within DB standards. I wish I could direct you to a more helpful place in your life. If I did, the post would be deleted or I might be banned.
The book, Divorce Remedy " is still a good book. "Keep Love Alive" are still good in my opinion. What isn't helpful are the *DELETED ADVERTISING* signs references you strewn about on this site. Most of those were links to helpfull sites, and had nothing to do with commercial advertising or money generating links.
Alimari, sorry but I have to say, work with what you have, and not what should be.
This forum saved me many times before the moderators cracked down. Now it is so generic and I no longer have much to say or don't think I can really help anyone, because I tend to tell people the good and bad things I tried and used to DB.
Michelle W Davis has her reasons for cracking down. She pays the bills and we have to follow her guidelines, no matter how much less useful they are to individual posters.
Sometimes it helps to highlight a response, Alimari, and everything becomes clear. Have you ever tried that?
I am sorry but I really do not understand what this means....
When I started to post this I was going to post just about my life to get it on my thread and then I just started to post that I missed everyones wit and advice and perspective..... I am sorry if I offended anyone....that was not my intention.
I love this place and how it has helped me and the miracle it has helped me achieve. My computer froze when I was posting this previous post, I never even knew it posted.
I am sorry but I really do not understand what this means....
This will probably be deleted as advertising soon so be quick Alimari. If you want to find the others that used to be on this forum go here EDITED--ADVERTISING If the moderators were actually stepping into the vacuum they created and, you know, giving advice it would help. But they don't.
Alimari, sorry but I have to say, work with what you have, and not what should be.
you know what I love this.....
I have been thinking about this comment a lot. My whole life I have been trying to live in a way that pleases GOD and a lot of people would tell me noone else lives in the world you do Alicia, noone else is that open or non judgemental.etc etc etc etc blah blah blah.....
Yes I need to work with what I have and not what should be.... this is the amazingness I am referring to. For me it can be the whole post or it can be just one sentence that pops out at me and inspires me to get even further out of my box and think ..... people have so much beauty in them and with just a few words can help someone else tremendously. So I thank you and I know/think you werent even referring to my R but that I where it is going to help.
I also have done this a looooooooooooooot in my Marriage.
I have been so busy working towards what could be that I forget to enjoy the ~NOW.
The time when I am present with my H I miss it totally. I am their in body but in spirit I am not. And this way of living and also ML is going to change. It has to!
I want it to change my H does too~
I do believe I am ready for it. I do want to get the book Sex Starved Marriage.. I currently am reading a NEW EARTH and have read Passionate Marriage many times.... but what I needed most to see was that I wasnt in the moment I was in the past. Lovingly dragging it with me every where I went. Like the blamket you see toddlers carry around. I know I keep repeating the same things over and over but somehow it is helping me to purge this out of my soul. I have realized that I have done this with many things...
BUt most of all when I was ML to my H where was I ?
Was I really feeling his love for me? I dont think so , I was feeling many others things but not the pure beauty of him with me, sure he wasnt always the Man he should be but if I was there why couldnt I take that as a gift? ..... why did I ? *(*&&&*) I dunno....
I cannot answer that and I dont want to dwell once again .... ......just putting my random thoughts on paper.
I know I did all these things and he was ugly too.
I wonder if I can seduce him , if I can be the sexual being that God created me to be. That with Marrying you..... I am supposed to be, a sexual being, freely without fear. WE are supposed to be one til death and yet sometimes you scare me so much and I scare myself too. I have always loved you.
...... and have always been in love with your being not so much in love with your physical attributes. I have always loved you the essence of who you are and now I need to find the place in me that sees who you are physically and wants to touch that and enjoy you. The solution still eludes me at times cause I felt loving who you really were would be enough. It wasnt.......
and when we are together we ML all the time but how many times did I really take you and take your flesh against mine and feel you? I can say that some times I have and that is when it felt so beautiful I was brought to tears.....
I know you need this and you need me to give myself to you in a way that will be good for us both and bring us closer. And while I was in love with you and your body is also beautiful to me....
.... but it came in second to me.
.... for the love that bursts in me for your being, takes over and has more strength.
.... you seem to love my body so much and I needed you to love me, who I am under all that. Underneath the flesh there is ~A me who was dying for you to touch.... I wanted to feel you ,not just feel you on my skin. I wanted to really feel you touch my soul and love me for that. For who I really am.
So here we are and we are wanting the same thing really.
I know I will help you find me and I will find a way to touch you and make you feel me. I want to find a way to truly feel you and feel you in me in a way I never have before. I want to feel you. I really do. I know God will help me with this... I always prayed for you to open your eyes and ow I have to also open mine.... you need me to love your form and not just your soul and I need the opposite. I have faith we can do this, because now you are seeing. I always prayed for you to be able to see me, not just the breasts and the booty but me, I am not my body after all I am so much more, and I used to ask myself if you ever saw beyond that?
I am sure you do now. And while I want you to transcend and love who I am underneath the D cup Victoria Secret bra... I need to accept that too.
.... it is a part of the way you show me you love me, it is all you knew. I am a Woman above that but I am starting to learn to take it and smile or laugh. But that is why when you call and say I should tell you what I have on for undergarments it is not the first thing I think of ,,,, but I must remember that for you this is important. So one thing at a time but I hope one day you will fully see who I am and look faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar beyond those things that I wear on my body.Or what my Body looks like. I feel like if I get past my hang ups you will also one day transcend who you are now,,,,, I need to guide you and be your teacher. Take you in my hands and make you feel me, show you how to love me too. Not just rock your world but rock every cell you have so you can finally see me and who I really am. Open your eyes even more .....
Ok so here I am again.... I am here in my room. sitting and just enjoying my day and then my husband CALLS..... WHAT A BLESSING FROM GOD~ we talked for over a hour and a half.... it got a little emotional for a bit and I thought I would go into what I used to.
*( dread , crying , defending my positon , trying like H*ll to make him see my point of view, blah blah blah....) and not be able to move forward in the conversation.... I didnt~ wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhooooooooooooooooooooo!
Nope I felt the pain and let it rise in me and then let the energy out... and we proceeded to have a very amazing convo.
I think I am getting better at hearing him and he at hearing me..
he asked me this and I have been thinking a lot about it not from my Ego but from that who I am.....
" what is it that I do that makes you feel like I dont love you or want you?"
Good ? and I had the answer I told him..............
Yes I finally had the answer........ The mechanics are great you perform like no other and you are the best lover on the planet but there are times when I dont feel you, I dont feel who you are beyond that. I dont feel your essence."
and his first gut respnse was " honey you need help , there is something wrong with you.." ~wow... Now I could have gotten angry and said.." well you know what buddy there is something wrong with me? you are no walk in the park either.."
I instead stayed calm and almost laughed actually..... I said... theres something wrong with me? Actually no there is not it is just like when you say to me you want to feel my Passion you dont want me just to ML or touch like a robot you want to feel me.....
so sure I can feel you and feel how hard you are trying and how good it feels but I want to feel who you are underneath all that *work/sex/ML..
.. the unseen and the untouchable... the unspoken words between us the essence of really feeling you and knowing you want me..... not feeling your body is reacting to me.........I know with my eyes you want me *(())(*(***( it is right there but I want to feel you
I am sure he thinks wow I thought she was nuts before and now she has really lost it......
I actually want from you what you are saying you want from me...
I remember I told him @ 2 years ago when I was so preoccupied in my mind when we were seperated and we were about to ML and I thought I could fake my way thru and you wouldnt know my mind was racing. I could let it go and ML to you..... it was like you read my mind and you got upset.
..... and said see Ali you arent even here... it is exactly like that... he replied I do not remember that and I said I am sure you dont but for me it was like ...
~WOW................
I have not said a D*mn thing and he can read my mind without a single word being said..
it is that energy I am talking about.....
I want to feel you really feel WHO YOU ARE and feel that Passion .....
......not just for the physical.........
HE SAID .... why havent you ever told me.... I replied... I think even if I had tried and was ready to tell you , you never would have heard me......... not really understood it.... and I started to cry.
I said you know yelling and screaming and you calling me names and then me yelling back has not gotten us to know one another quite the opppsite. I am just now really getting to know who you are......
almost 12 years later......
He also said I should not get upset when I say something to him and then he reacts........
I said are you kidding me... I want you to react!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...... just like this
.......not with calling me names etc etc etc ..
......but with really listening to me and showing that you ******* are really alive I want to feel the life you have in you.
I want to know you! I can only know you if you speak. Are you kidding me I LOVE THIS! I have waited for this for a very long time. (* he had mentioned his Mother previously..) I am not like your Mother , I do not want you to be who I want you to be , I do not want you to sit over there quietly, and shut up and be who I need you to be, who ***I think you should be.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want you to be you ****** and be alive and be known... Please do not ever confuse me with her and everyone else in the world for that Matter ,, be who you are .... I want YOU to be alive and full of life this is the you I have been waiting for.........
Sorry for Rambling.........
But this to me is sooooooooooooooooo AMAZING!
I told him it is like you finally hear me and I you.. what a GIFT!
