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If it makes you feel any better my MIL is the biggest enabler. She got into a big argument with me about H on Easter weekend. She is afraid that if she tells him what she thinks he won't come see her!! Who does she think got him to go over there all these years, now he goes to mooch a meal, do laundry, nab the lawn mower and they are good with it because they see him so much!

I haven't talked to her since. I did apologize via my FIL because she wouldn't talk to me but he must not have told her. I'm owed an apology too.

kat

I can relate kat. My MIL "enjoys having him there with them." He is the baby, afterall. She once told me I'd do the same for my boys if one of them was in crisis. I told her "No, I'd tell my son to get back home and deal with the problems." We still have a great relationship, but I know where her loyalties lie.

Barbara, I've gotta run to go golfing with S15. Should be a great dad/son time, as weather is clearing for us! Remind me later, and I"ll tell you about my own take on exposing to kids. At the time of my wife's affair last summer, I had

D20
D18
S14
S10

I'll tell you how I handled it with each, as I have no regrets.

Peace,

Puppy

Hey Puppy.

Not sure how to remind you other than this. I talked to OOW's mother tonight. Now I am trying to figure out what to say when H calls me severely pissed off. Any suggestions?

Also, really interested in hearing how you told the S14 and S10, as that is the approx ages I am dealing with.

Barbara,

I'll fill you in later on how I exposed to the kids.

When your H get pissed, you simply say "I'm fighting to save my family. I'm sorry that you don't approve of my methods." If he says "this is between you and me" (which he surely will) then you say "I disagree."

You can also so, "If my daughter were having an affair with a married man, I would want to know."

Puppy

Puppy, you are so wise. I have my best friend from childhood staying at my house tonight because she found out that her fiance has been having an affair for about 10 months. We are comparing stories. I showed her some of you responses to my posts and she agrees. You are very well educated on matters of the heart. I thank you so much for all the help you have offered me since I joined. I truly appreciate all that you offer and I know a lot of other DBers on here do too.

Thank you, Barbara. I truly enjoy helping where I can. "Pay it forward" and all that, as there were (and still are) others like NOP and MrsNOP and Hairdog and Corri and Lillieperl and others from the old SSM board that were so helpful to me.

As for exposing to the kids. This is obviously a very sensitive subject, and you will find that people have STRONG opinions in both directions about whether, and how, to go about this. I decided that there had been enough lies and deceit going on in my family, and to err on the side of telling the truth to our children.

When I suspected my wife was having an affair, I put in place several intel systems to get proof. One of them was a keylogger on the computer; I also checked the text messages on her cellphone. When I had my proof, I immediately confronted her:

"(Wife's first name), I know about you and (OM), and it needs to stop -- NOW. It's disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family."

That same night, as soon as I hung up the phone with my wife, I phoned our two adult daughters, then 18 and 20 years old, and told them that their mother was having an affair. It turns out (as it often does in these things) that D18 already knew and D20 strongly suspected and had been wondering "when Daddy was going to set her straight." D18, actually, had suspected and her and her best friend had FOLLOWED my wife one night, when she was supposedly meeting some friends after work for a drink, and saw her leave in a car with OM, but was afraid to tell me, the poor kid.

My sons were a more difficult decision. After exposing the affair to my parents and siblings, my wife's parents, OM's parents and wife's/OM's employer (their affair was taking place at least partially at work), I really struggled with what to tell the boys. We told them only that "Mommy and Daddy are having some problems, and we're working on them," as we had to say SOMETHING because we were sleeping in separate bedrooms, arguing more frequently, etc.

After about two months, when my wife STILL refused to end her affair, and she continued to lie to even her own family, I decided to tell S14, in an age-appropriate manner.

"Do you know why me and Mommy are fighting?"

"No," he said.

"Do you want to know?"

"I don't know. I guess."

"Well, I want to tell you the truth, (S14's first name), and I will ALWAYS tell you the truth, okay? And you can always ASK ME ANYTHING, and I will tell you the truth."

"OK."

"Mommy has a boyfriend, and married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm obviously upset about that, and I told her she needs to stop it, and she won't. So that's what we're fighting about. I love her, and I don't want to divorce or anything, but I also won't allow her to have a boyfriend, as you can imagine."

"Yeah," he said, his eyes tearing up.

"Do you know who it is?" I asked.

"Yeah, I kinda think I do," he said, and then he proceeded to tell me "it's that guy from the gym, (OM's first name), isn't it.

Man, kids are no fools.

As I said, it's a tough decision, Barbara, and only you can decide what to do. I think adult children should definitely know, and most experts agree. 12-17 year olds, I think it depends on their level of maturity, and I think they should be told in an age-appropriate manner. Some experts feel that even younger children should be told, in an age-appropriate manner, as families need to have truth and honesty at their core, and there are also studies that show that kids later on in life are traumatized that they grew up "living a lie," they feel, when their parents didn't tell them. I ultimately decided that my 10 year old was too young, and so we stuck only with the "Mommy and Daddy are having problems, and we're trying to work them out; it's NOT your fault" thing.

I hope that helps.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy.

I am going to wait until the kids are done with school before I say anything. I think I am also going to look into a counselor for them so that I have a professional for support at the time that I tell them.

They are just so optimistic that Dad will move back home. I wish I shared their optimism. At first, I thought, "Ah, he'll be back." But each day that passes, it just seems the likelyhood that he will return grows more distant.

I have stopped snooping, I have enough proof of the A. I just wish I could turn my brain off from thinking about the two of them together. Although, it has proved to be a great weight loss technique, as when I am stressed or nervous, I can't eat!

Yeah, the ol' "divorce diet." I dropped about 30 myself, and got in the best shape of my life.

Well, I've gotten two emails today from OOW. Taunting me about how she plans to sleep with my husband when he visits her for four days at the end of the month. If I wanted to believe that he was really not going there, that illusion is shattered now. I called H and asked him to tell her to stop. He responded "She's not sending you emails." I forwarded what I had received today. He tells me we need to talk this weekend. That we have alot to talk about. Oh, and he withdrew $1,100 out of our joint checkbook yesterday. Why do I still love him?