I only have a minute. Don't move out. Don't enlist that couple's help. It's not likely to be quick.
Be patient, be kind. Do not get into relationship talks with her. Read that chapter and everything on the board written by Jamesjohn about going dark and coming out of the dark.
Click notify when you want help.
Do not give her any ultimatums. They will most likely work against you.
As DQ said, she has experienced your behavior as abuse. You are just going to have to 'take it' from her for a bit.
Slow, patient, kind, gentle.
This does not be a complete dormat....I will help you with that later (today).
Have a great day and hang in there.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks, I'm not going to do anything until I get some solid advice so I can put a plan in action and stick to it. I guess time is hard to deal with for me. I have three to four months before the D would be final I believe unless I did not sign the papers, I think that could delay it a bit... not sure.
One reason for the confusion on my part about moving out and LRT is because she was so livid about it and demanding it. My thoughts on it were that by me NOT moving out I am just making her hate me more. Partly because she keeps stressing that by me living here it is causing her too much stress, making her angry etc.
I know I know I should not take much of what she is saying now to heart and let it just slide off, but this stuff about moving out is something she is stressing on and focused on just like the divorce seems to be.
I was thinking about trying another test just to see how she reacted. I was just going to move a few things out of the house and see if she got mad again over it like she did the last time I moved a few things.
One thing I have to my advantage is I know when my wife is really annoyed because she will start cleaning furiously. This is her "tell" so to speak. It never fails either. For example, I moved that stuff out... she started cleaning, slamming stuff around while cleaning. It's the ONLY time she is like that, when something stresses her. Another example, remember I said I was talking to an old friend of mine. She flew into a "cleaning rage" over that. I say advantage because I use that in my what works and what doesn't journal. So now I know to stay far away from the topic of talking to old friends. She does this when something REALLY bothers her.
I have been listing to what she has been saying. She does not speak to me often at all, but from what little she said earlier I clearly got that not only was she scared of having to go through the "episodes" again, but she has stated whether indirectly or not of feeling unloved, unwanted, neglected etc. And I do realize that while I was focused on healing myself and getting my own problems straitened out over the last say 6 months that I totally neglected her feelings. I become a total introvert so I do know where the feelings are coming from and why. Man enough to live up to the fact that these problems are pretty much all me even though she is a psycho bitch right now!
All last week I was being positive, kind and happy, but she was still highly agitated pretty much at all times towards me no matter what I said or did. I wasn't just doing it to get a reaction out of her either.. I was in a good mood basically because I was so happy about how great I feel "physically" and "mentally" right now. Even though my emotions are shot and stress is pretty high. It's been many years since I have felt this good.
BTW - Thanks you all for your guidance and help. I'm so happy this forum is here! You guys are awesome.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
It is a bit of an awkward situation. We have one of her older family members living with us. The house was given to her too.
Two days ago she said if I did not move out she was going to. I can't see that happening especially with the girls and her family plus the fact that it's her families house even though it was given to her.
Now last night when we got into that argument she said again that she was going to move out. So I don't really know if she is just saying that to be hostile or spiteful or if she really means it. Her emotions are literally psycho sometimes. It's like a really bad case of PMS. She says all kinds of spiteful things so it's difficult to tell what to take seriously and what to let slide. Hence all the confusion on my part.
I said why do you want to move? She said she is sick of being around me, all the stress that she feels (note- I said that she feels and not that is occurring) and then she said shes sick of sleeping on the couch or in the kids room on the floor.
When she first stopped sleeping in our room, I did not give into her spite at all. She kept telling me to move and I said I will when I can, but it's not going to be anytime soon. I said if you don't want to sleep in our room than don't. Not mean or anything I just said it firm and I said I'm not doing anything to you and you've hardly said 100 words to me in the past three weeks. If you want to sleep somewhere else then that's your choice.
I do know that she is totally focused on nothing but negatives. She even told me last night that she mad a list of things she needed emotionally and how i have not given her any of the support and emotional needs. Now of course there are plenty of times where I have, but she is only listing and focusing on the negatives and does not even acknowledge those moments. She is basically being really stubborn and spiteful.
- Scott
Last edited by Scott123; 06/20/0801:32 PM.
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
gucci loafer - I was just going to post about our finances because that adds to our problems.
I'm self employed. My wife works part time outside the home and was helping me with some business, but that ceased about 6 months ago.
She handled a lot of the money and I just let it go. She recently picked up a gambling habit. It's not a major habit, but i can see it becoming one. She has an account she keep over drafting and i know a lot of times when she goes "out" she goes to a casino. This is easily verified by the withdrawals at atms at the casinos that show on the bank statement.
Regardless of all that... part of her annoyance with me is money related now because I've confronted her about the gambling and I've also cut back on the money she has access to from me. I've made sure there's enough for bills and some play money. I take care of insurance, gas, groceries etc.
She was stressing last night in our little bitch session that all she wants from me is support until she can get a full time job and take care of everything herself. She was saying this while she was telling me to leave again. I basically told her that she would have had a lot more money if she cooled it with the casino. I took the bank statement and circled all the withdrawals and added them up and it was several hundred dollars per month. I was not angry, I just pointed it out. I was probably a bit cynical during the R talk, but I made sure I did not get angry or yell at all.
She got real defensive saying its not a lot of money and then changed the subject to me helping the kids out. Man, I've been jumping all over in these posts because that's how she has been jumping around.
Note: When we are clicking and getting along she does not go out much, does not really party at all and wants to spend more time with family. Once stress starts that's when her behavior changes.
She will probably go out tonight and tomorrow and be out all night drinking. I can see it coming already. The kids will get dicked out of another weekend and they'll be rebbelious to her come Sunday and next week. She's stealing time away from them.
I told her that she knows I would help her with the kids at any time, but I will not pump funds to her to go dump in a casino so that really annoys her too.
Another thing now that it's on my mind. For about the past 3 weeks she has pretty much stopped cooking. She gets nothing but fast food and junk. I don't know if any of that was a spite action because i have to eat certain foods or not, but I would not put it past her. It does not bother me, I'm already way passed any kind of junk cravings and I'm set in a special diet permanently. However, the kids are affected by it. Just thought I'd add that into the nutty behavior list.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
