I've haven't posted lately, I am keeping an eye on your post. I'm sorry to hear about your W. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I heard this song this morning and immediately thought about you but I haven't had time to post.
Gary Allan: Learning How To Bend
I'm still learning how to pray Trying hard not to stray Try to see things your way I'm still learning how to pray I'm still learning how to trust It's so hard to open up And I'd do anything for us I'm still learning how to trust
I'm still learning how to bend How to let you in In a world full of tears We'll conquer all our fears I'm still learning how to fly I wanna take you higher I'll be there till the end I'll be your lover and your friend I'm still learning how to bend
I'm just trying to understand It's all in someone else's hands There's always been a bigger plan But I don't need to understand
I'm still learning how to bend How to let you in In a world full of tears We'll conquer all our fears I'm still learning how to fly I wanna take you higher I'll be there till the end I'll be your lover and your friend I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end I'll be your lover and your friend I'm still learning how to bend I'm still learning how to bend I'll be there till the end I'm still learning how to bend
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Haven't had much time to post and we had a fairly busy weekend and I don't post when roomie is around at home. I am back at work today.
A lot of catching up at work to do, so I think that I will be writing throughout the day.
Last Tuesday, on the way to Laredo, I gave roomie the sympathy card. Remember, I had written:
"Sorry about Grandpa Gama. He is in a better place and watching over you. You know you can always lean on me if you ever need to."
She started to cry, and told me thank you.
The rest of the trip was very pleasant. Quick stop for snacks for everyone. Conversation. Get to Laredo at about 2pm. Stop at kmart for some things for D's then to hotel to check in. Barely time to get ready and grab something to eat at Chic Filet. We are all eating in car and roomie and I are sharing our food.
At funeral home, very emotional of course. Viewing started at about 4pm and the rosary didn't start until 7pm. While there, I consol her a couple times. Just before the rosary started, she called her father. He also lives in Laredo, also. He had just gotten out of Chemo, and she told that he sounded terrible. Like he was taking his last breath. She was VERY upset at this point. I held her and told her that it was the Chemo and not to worry. We went in and sat down. I think that was the final trigger.
I could see her hands stiffen, she pointed to her face, telling me it felt numb and I could see the fear in her eyes. I had the director call 911. While in the ambulance, she loses her ability to talk. Right side weakness again. Just not as bad as last time. She still has some strength.
We are in the ER from about 8pm to 6am the next morning, waiting for a room to open up. While in ER, has CT scan. Nothing. Just like last time.
While in hospital, on Wednesday, has MRI, MRA, sonogram of heart and of carotid arteries. A doctor does not see her until about 7pm. By then, she is already starting to get everthing back. Even her speech. She is talking a little slow, though. Doctor is confused. I give them her history from last year. The tests do not show anything. They will consider what to do on Thursday. We tell them we want to get her back to San Antonio. They consider putting her in an ambulance, and let us know on Thursday, after the neurologist visit. No visit from doctor until very late afternoon, and then he decides to release her.
That was when I was at the library with my kids posting to you guys.
She nearly has no signs that anything happened by this time. She is very tired, though. We decide to stay with her aunt and uncle and leave in the morning.
While she was in the ER, I know she had her secret phone and her checkbook to her account. I snooped her phone. She did have lunch with OM on Monday like I thought. He even texted her to go by his place so he could fix her window. She did not go, though. Other texts, but not really anything. I notice a check to OM for the phones. Not sure why.
After her sister left to go back home to San Antonio the next day, the phone and check book were gone. Must have given them to her sister during the few times I had left.
Before we leave, her aunt and uncle talk to us about their marriage. They know what we are going through. The problems that thy have had. BIG problems. They even got divorced., but are back together. They pray for us before we leave. Makes us both cry. Drive straight to her appointment in San Antonio with our family doctor. MIL comes to pick up kids. While in waiting room, on TV, is Dr Phil talking about how to deal with kids during divorce. After that, Oprah has a deal on what divorce does to kids.
Her sickness. Her Aunt and Uncle. What we are watching on TV.
Signs?
I had been feeling down on myself. I haven't gotten any sign of appreciation from her yet. I guess I hadn't really expected any. After we get into the room to wait for the doctor, she looks at me and says, "Thank you for letting me lean on you." I tell her that its ok. She tells me that she knows that she has not been a good person lately, and that she does not deserve me. She then says that she still thinks that she should move out. I tell her that I know. I tell her that she needs to make some changes in her life. She says that it is not for another man. I tell her that she needs to end it with OM, but that I know that she can't. She then tells me that at this point, it is not that she can't, but that she has to. For her and our kids. I grab her hand and tell her that she HAS to take care of herself. She agrees.
We get interrupted by the doctor. We need to schedule an appointment with the neurologist and she is cleared for work. No driving, though. Roomie takes this hard. Loss of her independence and reliance on me. Again.
Rest of the day goes well. On Saturday, we are up and around the house. She starts to clean the house and the laundry room where the puppies stay. She is VERY frustrated and VERY agitated. I know that her apartment was supposed to be ready on this day. She had told me this. She just had not signed anything yet.
She decides that she will postpone moving until the end of summer.
We had a busy morning of discussions and activity. We talk about us. My positives and negatives. Missing paying bills, overdrafts on bank account, not moving funds to joint account(she thinks), living so far from town, all negatives. Recently, positives. At some point, she tells me that just because she is postponing the move, she is not changing her mind. I tell her that she did not need to tell me that. I already know. I have given up on her being my wife. I am just trying to keep the friendship. I tell her that I WANT her out of the house. She NEEDS to be out of the house if she is going to give her self to somebody else. I bring up OM. She says, "And what if it was someone other than Tom? Would it be different?" I am surprised at the question, and I have to explain to her that it doesn't matter WHO it is, either way it is wrong.
She thinks funny.
She tells me how she has not talked to him. He has tried to contact her. She knows that he has tried contacting her through my ex SIL, her enabler and he has tried calling her little sister. She has ignored SIL's calls. She DID text him that she was ok. That was all.
But how did he know she WASN'T ok? Hmm.
She says, "If he loves me like he says he does, then he can wait for me. If you love me like you say you do, then you will let me do this. I can't stand it here anymore! We live too far. I'm sick of it!" I remind her that I have let her go. We calm down a bit and we are sitting together on our bed. S14 comes in. We both talk to him. What he is planning. When? We all talk for a bit. I then ask WHY this has happened. As I told roomie (and she has been in denial as to why) he says that it started because of our problems in the marriage. Like he did not want to make a choice between us, so he decided to go with his dad. I see it sinking in with her. It became a tearful discussion. She explains how I am losing out too, and I explain that I am losing more that anyone else.
After this discussion, I then tell him I know what he and his mom talked about and that I will always accept him for who he is. Unconditionally. I will never judge him.
We are getting ready to go to the store, and I see roomie and S14 talking. She is upset. I find out he is mad at her for telling me.
The rest of the day goes VERY well for us. We leave S14 at friends house. Roomie says she want her and I to get new sunglasses. We go to Target and pick some out for each other. As we leave, they are handing out free pints of ice cream. We get two. We take D's to my parents house to spend the night. On the way to Home Depot afterwards, she asks if I have told my parents of her moving. I tell her no. She says my sister and dad ignored her. She had expected that from my mother, not them. I tell her that that is why my relationship has changed with them. If they don't want a relationship with me, then it is their loss. I see her thinking. She knows it is her fault my parents and I don't have the same relationship as we used to. I tell her that her little sister is treating me different too. I tell her that I didn't realize that her little sister was in on her OM action. She says she is not. I remind her that she told me that OM tried to contact her. How was that possible if she is not involved?
Then she tells me that she has another phone and that her sister has it right now. Gave it to her when she left. I don’t say anything. I already figured it out. This was very honest of her. The conversation is actually going well. Good talking. Honest. Like friends should be.
At one point, we are joking with each other. I tell her that when she was in her confused state at the hospital, I should have introduced myself and asked her out on a date. "Hi, my name is Roger. I have 2 daughters, a son, a nephew, his friend, 2 dogs, 7 puppies and a turtle. Would you like to go out with me?" Any one would leave skid marks. We laugh.
We get to store and shop together for things to make a bigger pen for puppies. They are going outside full time. Afterwards, I ask if she wants to go to the movies. We see The Happening. We share some popcorn and a drink. A terrible movie, by the way. Really bad. We almost sneak into another movie, but decide against. We get home and to bed.
On Sunday, get up for church. Sermon is about being free to live the way we should. Making the right decisions for ourselves. We cry as usual. At the end, we are holding hands. Go to pick up D's. Leaving, I notice she seems agitated. How she is being treated by my family. Maybe she is realizing she is going to lose them, too. Not just me. At home, we work on the yard and the puppy deck together. Feels great to work together. Later, dinner and D's watch a movie in their room and roomie and I watch one in our room, together. We are sharing some pistachios and sharing a drink together.
I now have at least two more months to keep working on my positives. Try hard as hell to get rid of the negatives. Keep having days like the ones we have been having.
This morning, I know she was upset. I have to drive her to work. That frustrates her. Relying on me. I validate how she feels. I tell her I know it sucks. I tell her I’m sorry it is like this and she tells me it is not my fault.
She is stubborn, but I see some really positive discussions.
Thank you for the prayers, guys. Ya’ll are great. Thanks so much for checking on me. Feels like family here. Sorry, but I haven’t had much time to keep up with ya’ll. Will take some time this week. Hope everything is well with ya’ll.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Its been a rough week. I hope that she really thinks. The good thing is that her move is postponed. I hate that it is because she got sick. She has to rely on me right now. I know she is hating it. I hate it because she has not choice but to rely on me and that looks bad for me. At least in her eyes, I think.
We have been having some good days. I keep giving her some truth darts. Life in general darts. For example, she gets really frustrated with the house. The puppy mess is crazy. She was ready to chuck it all.
She let our lab mix be an indoor dog about 2 years ago. Potty training it was hell. Really messed up our carpet, but she didn't really do much of the training. She didn't think of the mess it would make. Later she is complaining about the carpet, the stains, the smell. Lets just move.
We also talked about how she has told me very ugly things. The things she says out of frustration. I told her that I have learned to weed out the things she says. I had to. She didn't realize the effect it has. How things don't come out the way she intends. She made S14 mad during our talk. I had to explain what she meant to say to him.
I told her that God keeps on keeping us together, somehow. She did not want to see it that way. He kept me from moving out when she got sick last year. He now has kept her from moving out by making her sick again.
How can someone be so blind? I just don't understand.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
The thing is that I now have accepted her moving out. I asked her if she really realizes the amount of bills we have and the amount she is going to be paying for an apartment. Written everything down? She said no, because she didn't want to be disappointed. I feel like I laid out my boundary. If she is going to stay at home for now, it has to be with out OM. Otherwise, I WANT her gone. I told her this. I will have to figure out how to maintain my boundary. She has said that she is going to end it.
We talked a lot this weekend. Like she really intends to end it with him. I think seperating would be good for us. To let her realize what she would lose. I just need HIM gone. I have to keep working on this and also let her do it with out me hounding.
Hope she can do it.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
