Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband wants to reconcile again-try#4

Thanks, Kansha!

I am trying to be patient and go with the flow for now and Most importantly I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that things will take a long time to work through and our M wont be fixed over night.

There are many many things and issues that I am struggling with that I dont know what to do about:
- H's alcoholism
- H wont talk to/visit with my family yet
- H want to absolutely kill my older brother (who is also an
alcoholic)
- H only wants to hang out with his new friends and not
reconnect with any of our friends from the past.
- H wont do holidays with my family any more.
- H still hasnt talked seriously about making any moving dates
together.
- H still acts and says things that blame me.
- H is slightly secretive still.
- H is not talking about our future together much at all.
- H is still spending lots of money & being selfish.

These are the bad things I am sensing as we are reconnecting and I am just besides myself with fear and pain.

He has also done several things to show me he wants to have our M work. I will list them later when I get time.
TIPPER

O.K.
Here is my list of things that my H has said or done that have been good for our Reconciliation:
-When H first told me he wanted to work on our M, he said things
like *he knows he hurt me badly *he knows he put the blame on
me, *he knows he needs to rebuild my trust and there is nothing
more he wants to do, *he didnt think he gave enough effort in
previous reconciliation attempts, *he said he knows he loves me
and its the strongest feeling on earth.
-He gave me a diamond "lifes journey necklace after we were
together for a week.
-He started to reconnect with some of our old friends for a few
weeks after he came back (but now he seems no longer interested
in doing so).
-He has been wearing his wedding band.
-He has agreed to go on a bahamas cruise with me over our
anniversary in August.
-He texts me sweet things sometimes when we arent together.
-He has introduced me as his wife to most people he brings me
around.
-We had a bad argument and he decided to stay and work through
things instead of leaving and hurting me again.

I dont know how to think of my situation. I cant tell wether things are going well and I need to have more patience, or if things are as bad as I feel they are at times. I just get frustrated because I have read before that when a couple tries to reconcile they usually end up with a better M - and this doesnt feel like it is better to me.

There are so many awkward situations due to him not being able to face my family & friends. It seems so unfair to me. I have to do everything alone when my friends get together and then my H has said that he doesnt want me to come between him & his new buddies so I also feel awkward hanging with that group.
TIPPER

Update:
I have had a pretty weird weekend. But overall it turned out good.

On Friday, I told my H I wanted to go with all my friends down to a new grand opening of a tavern owned by my older brothers best friend. My H said he would be in the pub across the street becuase he knows he is not welcome there (which isnt true, but that is how he feels).

So I went, and my H text me and said he wasnt at the pub, and instead he went with his younger cousin to a house party. I said "o.k.". He text back "if this makes you mad I can go to the pub". And before I got that message he text again and said "whats the problem hon". So I text him back and said "There is no problem, I just feel wierd because his roofers are at the bar I am at and they were just hitting on me.

So like ten minutes later my H showed up at the bar we were all at. He asked me which one of his crew was hitting on me and I said it was the one with the shaggy hair - but when I told him who my H was - he walked away politely. It was still awkward though. My H went up to the kid, and the kid said "hi" and my H said to him " your the reason I am here". I felt really wierd and I told my H that this is a problem to me : that he cant find it in him to come to a place all of his old friends are at unless if there is a problem with something one of his new freinds does.

While I said this, a long term acquaintance of both of us was standing next to us. She spoke up, and said to my H that this was absolute crap, and that she would be just as mad and she doesnt know how I can even handle all the things he puts me through. My H was shocked, becuase this girl has always been really cool to both of us, and she was digging into him hard. My H went with his roofers across the street to the pub. And I stayed there. He text me again and said a lot of really nasty things like I was being a coward, and that I blame him for all the bull Sh*t. Then he started asking (begging) me to go over to his apartment and talk with him. I said "no, I have been drinking and we know how that can turn out, so not tonight and call me tommorow".

He persisted, and finally I gave in. I met up with him and told him right away, that I dont think it is good for us to argue when we have both been drinking. We argued anyways, and I started to walk away and so did he. Ten minutes later he found me and talked me into coming back with him to his place. I did. We finally talked more like adults and I think I got some important points across to him. I finally got to vent to him all the things I listed in the posts I wrote up above this one. It felt good to tell him how I really feel. He agreed with a lot of it, and said he understands why I am so frustrated and how this isnt easy on me.

That night, after we actually made some progress talking we had some of the greatest sex ever. I think this actually really helps us to bond more and get closer right now. I stayed the night at his place. He worked the next day. Then at night he invited me to go out to a really high class fancy restaurant with him. We had a great time and he talked so openly with me, it felt really good.
The owner of the restaurant knows my H through business and he gave us a 300$ gift card to his restaurant out of the blue. It was really cool, and it was nice to see someone who respects my H because not so many people do anymore. Then we went home to my place and watched movies all night.

Overall we had a good weekend, and he still is fighting to stay with me even when i get infuriated and try to walk away. It is like we both know we have great love for each other, but our relationship is so rocky and it has a lot of things we need to work through, but I think he is willing to slowly go through it.
One of our biggest problems now is all of my freinds who used to be his friend also, dont like him or want to give him a chance anymore. But all of these people never left my side and they were all there for me in so many ways this last year, I just feel so torn.
TIPPER

Tonight I went to watch my H play drums at his gig. They did well and I am becoming more comfy going there, but its still a bit awkward.

At the end of the evening, I asked my h if he would care if i were to put him back on my health insurance plan through the school I teach at. He was weirded out about it (he also had been drinking all night). He said that is quite a commitment & that he knows that we are doing well now, but we have been on and off for so long that he doesnt think he is a good enough man to deserve it. He was thankful, but then he was saying dont bother & that he doesnt need it.

I let him know that I care about him and that it doesnt cost that much to add a person. I said, that he needs it, considering he is a roofer and I would feel much better knowing he has it. He accepted and thanked me and then I left.

I dont know wether to be happy that he accepted finally, or to be mad that he was so wishy washy about a commitment that only lasts a year.

I am going to put him on my plan either way, becuase I love and care about my H and his health despite what we are or have been going through.

Should I be happy or more conserned about his major hesitation?
TIPPER

Today was a really good day.

I got this thought just today on the way home from work about how awesome it would be to just have my H back at home when I get there so I can talk to him about my day and confide in him the way we used to. Then I was daydreaming that he would be there to surprise me just because he wants to see me.

Much to my surprise when I got home, I walked inside and my dog did not greet me. I looked around and there was no sign, at first I panicked a bit, but something told me in the back of my head that the dog is safe with my H. Then about 2 minutes later, he came in the door with our dog and stayed with me for dinner until I had to go to my bowling league.

It was like a mini little dream come true. He has been very loving over the past few days, except for his hesitation the other night about health insurance. We had no plans of meeting up today, so I was pumped.

I do think that because I am still doing every GAL activity that I was since he was gone (art night, bowling league, vollyball leage, trivia night, Dart league, &hanging with my Friends and Family), that he is starting to feel a little left out - and maybe wants in, more and more.

He often has been making comments about how I am always too busy. And how he is envious of certain things I have been doing. Little remarks that are starting to show me just how important it was & is to still be me and to do all the things that make me happy (GAL). Especially becuase it seems to be drawing him in little by little.

I also think he is actually really happy about the Health ins. offer I gave him since last night he accepted and since then he hasn't said anymore in regards to not wanting/deserving it and has been very loving.

Yeah, It must be Gods divine design that somehow we seem to be actually slowly working this out.

We had a great evening and dinner together tonight and we still have many issues to deal with in our M but I am just thrilled to be having the chance. PATIENCE is the key!!!
TIPPER

Well my H spent the night two extra nights this week. He seems to be chasing me more and more now that I am just continuing on with GAL. Hopefully we can build up to moving back in together eventually.

My H will not go to any Holidays (fathers day) with my family and this is making things hard on me. I dont know how to not feel sensitive to this subject. Its all because he hates my brother and cant face my folks yet.

I will still go to dinner with his folks though.

Does this seem backwards or is it just me???
TIPPER

Tipper,

Not really backward. He's ashamed of what he has done and can't face your family. You have nothing to be ashamed of so going to be with his family is not awkward for you.

I agree, I just hope that eventualy this storm will settle within him. I will see both my dad & my father-in-law on fathers day and I will feel good about it. Meanwhile, I have to deal with the hurt of my H not wanting to be around any of my family or friends.

He has hung out with his buddies the last two nights and has gotten wasted. This is like the only thing my H likes to do anymore. I am going crazy, because I love him to death and I would like to see him want to be with me more often, but it goes in spurts. He will hang with me for a few days, and then be off with his new freinds.

I am torn constantly between doing what I want to do and what he wants to do. Weekends are especially hard.

I just want to screem right now, he should be here with me instead of at the bar ALL THE TIME. He keeps saying he will cut back but I am not seeing it.
ANY ADVICE PLEASE-I feel like I am going to blow.
TIPPER

I'm so sorry Tipper. Unfortunately, I have no good advice for you on this one. I have no patience for people who would rather drink their lives away than spend time with the ones they care about.

IMO, if you confront him about his drinking, he'll only run further away and drink even more. If you say and do nothing then he'll keep perpetuating the behavior. There is no winning.

The only thing I can think of is to keep GAL including during the time he is hanging in the bar. Don't sit at home while he's doing that. Go out with your girlfriends to coffee, karaoke, poetry readings, whatever makes you tick. Go do it and enjoy it. Live your life and if H is serious about wanting to put your lives back together he will have to come to you again, and again, and again until he realizes that he is the one that needs to do the work.

Mishka,
My thoughts exactly!!!!

The only thing I can do is to keep the GAL I have started on my own this past year. I am more busy than my H by far with healthy hobbies while he is out at the bars.

The more I do GAL, and act like its no problem that he is out at the bars, the more I often see him gravitate to me. However, every couple days after he always goes back to the bars for a few days straight also.

I seem to be in a stalemate here and need some advise on maybe how to ease his path back home for good. He is still in his apart. and no word of moving yet. We are going on a cruise together on our Aniv. in Aug. so I hope that helps us reunite in a more powerful way.

Any advise on how to make him choose a healthy life as my H over the bar life would be great-but I know thier is no really good answer.

I went to watch his band tonight as usual on Mondays. Their was this girl thier that was really pretty and really excited to see my H and I dont even know her. He sort of blew her off by just nodding, and then he walked me to my car. I left and I know she was still there and My H stays there till close usually. I just hate these scenarios I get put in, and I am challenged constantly to trust him.
URHG!!!!
TIPPER