Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Watching the kids while W goes to OM

Lynn,

There are probably others here with more experience on how to handle the kids. My only advice to you in their regard would be to always tell them the truth, in an age-appropriate manner.

If you wife brings up D or LS, then say "I don't want a divorce. I would still like to work on our marriage, and hope you'll end your affair and work on it with me." When she asks you again, say "I haven't decided anything new; my position hasn't changed. I do not want a divorce." If SHE says something like "I can't live like this!" or even "I want a divorce!" calmly say "I can't stop you from doing what you want to do. I don't want a divorce."

Lynn,
My sitch is a little different in that we are all still at home and WW and I are still in same bed. Further to Puppy's comments, I was told a few weeks back by WW that she didn't want to be "here" (married to me). When I asked why she was, her reply was that I decided we were not getting D. I have been consistent using a line similar to what Puppy has suggested - it appears to have sunk in a bit.

I think you have to be firm and consistent on this one.

Puppy/Choc's story good place to start:

I will Praise you In this Storm


Puppy will tell you more.

Uh-oh, I think your secret is out Puppy!!! Sg, thanks for posting!!! Karen

Well the bomb got dropped, but it wasn't by me. I must say that I wasn't prepared for this one at all.

W had her counseling appointment today. She came back from it and we talked. I focused on listening and then I was going to have "my talk". Well I didn't need to. Her counselor told her she was doing great. She was showing independence and not letting anyone push her around. She thought that it was good she was taking it slow with the OM and that it was good for her to explore her feelings for her. She thought that I was wrong for trying to control her last night (which I was) and thought that we should talk or see each other anymore. I only confuse her and try to control and manipulate her. OM listen and doesn't try to manipulate her. OM is better and you should go for it.

I listened, reaffirmed what she had said. Said I would pick up the kids on Saturday, went in and gave them a hug and a kiss and left.

Maybe they are right for each other and I should get out of the way. This doesn't seem like a normal affair where the two people take it slow and work out thier problems before the go to fast. She said were separated and it's not an affair anymore, it's a relationship.

She basically just told me to do LRT, I doubt it's going to have any effect on her. I didn't go into telling her that she needs to end it because it seemed pointless. She just said she was going to go down that road and it was over between us.

So besides LRT and GAL what am I supposed to do? Seems like the affair is full steam ahead and I'm having a hard time thinking I want to save it.

Lynn

Hi Lynn,

All I can do is offer advice based on my sitch, but I think this sounds perfectly scripted.

My W melted down at one point and moved back in - it's all in my threads. She just couldn't put any energy into making things better in R. Why? Involvement with OM! Finally she moved back out, said she couldn't deny her feelings. It took 5 hours for her to move out - she kept going back and forth about staying or leaving. Finally she said she was messed up and needed to see IC. So she moved out and said she'd call after C appt.

Well, that C appt. was what has brought our sitch to where it is. He told her that OM sounded like a muse for her. Pressured her to make a decision and deal with the consequences. Reminded her that CA had a 6 month waiting period for D, so if I was really dedicated to her, she could try OM and then come back to me if it didn't work.

So she asked me to wait 6 months and I said no. D followed. Currently, R with OM seems to be off and she's definitely coming back to me as much as she can. She's still set on D, so who knows what will happen. Would I take her back at this point? Good question - I've seen a pretty ugly side of her.

Does any of this sink in? I feel like it'd be good for you to hear. You can certainly read it in my threads. But just because a C says something doesn't mean it's true. In many cases, what a C says just makes things exponentially worse.

IMO, lodo

Lynn,

Nothing's changed. The only thing is that she got to you before you got to her, but NOTHING in the dynamics, nor what your strategy should be, has changed.

What should you do?

\

You say:

"Look, (wife), you can delude yourself if you wish. I choose not to play those games, and would rather deal with reality. So long as we are married, make no mistake, you ARE having an affair, and it is totally unacceptable, and incredibly disrespectful."

While I'm not surprised (was just talking about this on another thread today), I must say that her C is a quack. Many are, sadly.

Do you REALLY not want to try to save your marriage, or are you just feeling hopeless? What really -- REALLY -- changed from before her talk with you to after?

This is why I wanted you to approach her two weeks ago. Now we're behind, and we have some work to do. The GOOD news is, people in entrenched affairs lose about 20 IQ points (NOTE: entirely my own theory, unsubstantiated), so we'll have THAT going for us . . . which is nice.

Chin up -- we've only begun to fight. But only YOU can decide if you WANT to fight.

Let us know what you'd like to do, Lynn.

Paul

I do want to fight, I am just being hopeless and numb from this. What is my next step?

Puppy do you come up with that stuff on the fly, damn I wish I would have thought to say that. But in her cloud she would still say that separation makes it ok. So in then end it will make me feel better for saying it, but wouldn't get through to her. (see more hopelessness).

I am considering getting on with my life though. Should I start looking for apartments? Should I start splitting the finances (currently I do them all). Etc.

Lynn

Lynn,

What would you counsel your son to do, 25 years from now?

Puppy