Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Watching the kids while W goes to OM

So I'm posting this here because I think it's a better spot, but the latest in my story is here

The latest

Anyway I know she is going out with him tonight. I really appreciate her honesty and I found out yesterday that it's better to know than to wonder.

I don't want to do anything right away but I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Should I set more boundaries when it comes to this? If I do she'll probably just have her mom watch the kids. Although since her mom is sick it may limit the exposure. I'm definitely uncomfortable with it, but not sure I should tell her that since it may just make her be deceitful again. It's also disrespectful, but I know her mind is in the clouds and she's not seeing these things.

I'm hoping that you wise DB's may have some ideas on what to do or how to deal with this issue.

Lynn

Hi, Lynn! Oh, I'm sure they will have some ideas here! I was advised early on that I shouldn't facilitate my H when he is going out with OW (I was washing clothes half one night before he went off with OW on a trip). With hindsight, I can see that was really good advice, and I think that was my "bottom" and I stopped being as much of a doormat after that (although I'm still working on that).

I don't think you should be helping your W in any way to continue her affair. And my H also was very upfront about his cheating, like that excuses his behavior, but I don't believe it does, when they do something horrible and tell you about it. Anyway, I'm sure you will hear from others here, but just my 2 cents! Karen

Yea I don't want to be a doormat. But I'm afraid that if i tell her I'm uncomfortable with her going to see him while it's my night with the kids she will just go anyway and not tell me. I would rather not wonder and face it head on.

Plus she's going to see him regardless, and she is going to leave when I come to spend time with the kids. I don't see what I could do. Telling her is only going against LRT isn't it.

It's definitely a sticky situation that I'm very confused about.

Lynn

Lynn, one thing that I have been told over and over again (and yes I have a thick head) is that when you "help" your WAS you are really letting them have their cake and eat it too. They have no need to leave the OP because they are secure that you will also be there for them. The first and hardest thing you should do is try to emotionally detach yourself from your wife. She is in la la land right now living out a fantasy world. By making it easier for her, she feels entitled to continue on the same way.

I know that is a scarry thing to do, especially because it feels like you may lose them if you do it. But the reality is that they are already gone. This is a time to take care of YOU and to GAL and to GROW. That way, if they come out of la la land, you are in a better place to deal with what YOU want from the relationship. As hard as it is, let her go and do not help her any longer.

On the up side.....97% of all affairs crash and burn in less than 2 years. Of the 3% that go on to marry, 80% of them will end in divorce in 5 years. She has her own journey right now and you need to focus on yours until/if she wakes from the fog.

Good luck!

Ok, but how do I break this to her in the best LRT way? What's the best way to say this or approach this?

We have an agreement that I go over and spend time with the kids most nights. I don't want my kids to suffer and I do want to see them. I would be just fine with this is she was going out with a girl friend after all.

Lynn

Lynn,

You've posted a half a dozen threads, on several different forums, and for the most part, people have been telling you the same thing.

I also think you KNOW what the right thing to do is; you're just not willing to do it.

"Giving your wife space," and offering to take the kids for her, and encouraging her to take a vacation, etc., is classic "rescuing" behavior, and you need to stop treating her like a princess. SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU, AND HAS BROKEN HER WEDDING VOWS.

If her mother wants to enable her affair, that's up to her mother. But you shouldn't.

My advice for you hasn't changed; I suggest you go back and re-read it.

Puppy

Puppy you are a very wise person, and I am a very thick headed person.

I went to see a counselor today and he helped me reach the same conclusion. Being a doormat is not helping me grow at all. Also that it's not my fault for the affair, that is her fault. I have been treating her like a princess and I've been doing it throughout our marriage. This is why it hasn't been that good of a marriage in the first place. I kept trying to fix her, make her happy. I realize now that's not my job. She has to fix herself and make herself happy. And in the end I'm guessing that the OM can't make her happy either. That is her journey that she just keeps refusing to take.

I'm going to work out a few things in my head before I have the talk with her, and probably one more counseling session, but it's time to start looking out for me now. It's her choice to see him, but it's my choice to enable her.

I did reread the posts. Yes, you were right all along. I guess it just took me this long to get clarity to see it. Thank you

Lynn

Lynn,

How can we help?

Puppy

Hey lynn,

Just adding my $.02. If you want an example of how NOT to do things, feel free to skim through my thread. I was the nice guy, trying to be friends, avoiding the obvious. I think if I'd stood up for my wife rather than been so suppliant, things would be different. I don't know that for sure, of course, but I definitely wonder.

Anyway, listen to Puppy. He offers great, concise advice. You'll have to balance that with what you're willing/can do, but you should still listen.

lodo

Yes, I've come around to realizing Puppy is very wise and I am still learning so much from him!!! I guess I am thick-headed or a lot of us here are, I hope not though. I'm glad Puppy and others had patience with me when I got here. I think it just takes a while to realize what is going on in our own lives, get the strength to do what needs to be done, etc. I think it's a process and you just try to move in basically forward progress, although sometimes I backslide a bit (but Puppy and others make sure you get back on the right track)... Karen