Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED!

Today was hard. Being Father's Day and all. H and his parents and the kids and I had lunch at a Japanese Restaurant. When I first arrived, h hadn't gotten there yet and I ordered an iced tea for him. Then, I remebered something I'd left in the car. H pulls up while I was walking back to the restaurant, so I waited in the parking lot. He walks up to me and says, "why are you waiting for me?" Well, I thought it'd be rude to just walk on in after seeing him. He didn't know where we were sitting, etc... So, I just replied, "I just thought I'd wait. Happy Father's Day." We had a good lunch. It was pleasant enough. He opened his presents. I made a collage of pictures of the kids for him. TEMPTED, so tempted to stick in a family picture of all of us, but I resisted. I think he really liked the gift. The kids also made cards for him and we had another gift that he'd wanted from the Harley store. As he was leaving, I was still sitting down with the bill. I was holding s2 who slept through the whole dinner, and h leaned into kiss him goodbye. So, I looked up and again said, "happy Father's Day." He said thanks and patted my head.
He patted my head! What the heck is that??

Then, I took the kids out to my dads house. He stayed only a couple hours and then left. As soon as I got on the road, again the tears came and I cried all the way home.

I just hate this! I hate that on Father's Day, I can't connect.

I want so badly just to send him a text message that says "I enjoyed lunch today. Thanks for being an awesome dad."

Would that be bad??

Is it true? Is he an awesome dad? I think if it's true, then it's fine to say it. If you are just being nice to make him feel good, then I think you shouldn't say it. Next time you get a chance, pat him on the head, too.

I meant to say WE stayed at my dad's for a couple hours. Don't want to make it sound like h was there. He went to work after lunch.

ms b,
A lot of the advice from Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy is key here.

I'll have to go back and read, but I remember her reason for completely avoiding "I love you" was something like this:

He doesn't love you right now. The feelings are there, but he's trying to bury them. So, when you say ILU, all you're doing is reminding him that he doesn't feel that way right now. And all the ways you didn't appreciate it when he did, you didn't listen until it was too late, etc. etc. etc.

Is he right to feel that way? No. But the fact is that the more you're needy and seek out this "connection", the more it will push him away.

Once upon a time he was in love with you, and chose to marry you. Right now he doesn't want to remember that, but wants to run to his new motorcycle, probably OW (sure sounds like it), all the typical Mid-life Crisis stuff. You're better than all of that, but he needs time to figure that out. He needs to choose you all over again. But think about how great it will be if he does.

I know this goes so much against what comes natural. I think that's the most painful thing about this. All the things that would have worked a year ago, ILU's, gifts, letters, none of that will work with my W right now. This sucks. I can't stop thinking about all the things I didn't do when I had a chance.

My biggest advice here is: lower your expectations. You're getting to spend a lot of time with him, finances are still together, you're a LONG way from divorced. Just don't expect him to treat you like he did before, for now.

One of the reason I won't mention to him about the movie tickets. I know he'll get mad and jump to separate our money. He'll feel like I'm spying on him even though I've ALWAYS kept close tabs on our account (I had an identity theft issue in the past, so I watch it closely now).

Thanks for the encouraging words. That's what I need right now.

I'm feeling so uncertain about my future, and as a "control freak" I can't handle this. Doesn't God see that? I try to give it to God, but I'm too scared to let go. I'm so scared.

(((Ms. Lady)))

Ask yourself why you are afraid to let go.

I did that, and found a whole other list of reasons extending back to my childhood. There may be other reasons that have nothing to do with your M.

I read two books, Control Freak, and The Dance of Fear. I highly recommend both. There is very good insight, and great ways to combat the control freak within.

When the panic hits, put your feet firmly on the ground, deep breath, or take a quick walk. Believe me, it helps.

Lola

a mental pict that helped was, dont' laugh, from the indiana jones movies, the old ones. If you saw the lasts crusade, he has to step forward to a seemingly empty void, he knows there is a bridge there but he just can't see it, it's there though.
So he braces, clenches his eyes shut and steps forward.. and it holds.

If only you'd let go of your worries God can take over, but as long as you hold them tight He can't help you, you need to trust Him, keep your eyes on the one who has your troubles in his hands, not on your troubles.
It know it is asking to trust blindly, but you'll see, how he'll take care of you, how many time I've just given up and told God "here, you take it, this is too much for me to bear" and He carried me and showed me the way.

This is one of the reasons I'm so encouraged by your sitch. My W separated the finances immediately, within 24 hours. Your H still hasn't done that. That's very good. Again, if he really wanted a D, his actions would be very different.



These are great realizations! As a fellow control freak, I don't have easy answers. But you've made the most important step. I'm getting a lot of help at this group, in fact can't wait to go tonight. Should be one at a church in your area if you're interested:

http://www.celebraterecovery.com

I have to agree with Cat...having faith is a tremendous resource. Being a bit of a control freak myself, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. That book, Control Freak, focuses on letting God take care of the problems. I have a few mantras, but the one I have posted at work is one word...RELINQUISH. Whenever I start to get that tight feeling in my chest, I look at that word and it really does help!

I'll definitely have to check that out. Les Parrot is a great guy, he's actually based here in Dallas. W and I read his book "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" before we got married. Of course, I feel like we didn't follow any of it. Very painful to read some of this marriage stuff now, but good.

OK, sorry for the hijack.