Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives To Hope or Not to Hope?

Thanks, Michelle. I actually made myself a notecard and stuck it to the vanity mirror that says: "Do nothing out of ANGER & REVENGE". And then another that says: "Find your Strength".

I will definitely get to the GNC and get those supplements. I'm going to make that a priority.

I just discovered that the tags on my van are expired. Lovely. Can't renew them until I renew my license which I can't renew until I pay a speeding ticket. All in all, I'm looking at a grand total of around $270.00.

I feel like I'm being constrained on all fronts to try to push me in a certain direction. I'm going to look into some GS jobs here on Post. Do I need a lawyer to file separation papers? I don't know if they do that here in NC. There's a mandatory 1 yr physical separation time before a divorce is granted.

Some positive things I've been doing for my PMA: started going to the pool with the kids...soooo relaxing. I get to read and swim and lay out. It's an awesome community center here in our neighborhood with an outdoor pool. Very pretty, too. I started going to the gym in there, too. It's limited to cardio machines and a personal trainer circuit-type machine but it is just fine for me. I walk there, run a little on the tread mill, work with some weights, jump in the pool and OMG....I feel awesome when I get home.

This weekend being Father's Day, H said he is trying very hard to come up here. I got a little flirty with him on the phone today (you know, checking his "pulse". lol) and he responded just as I hoped he would. I could hear his voice melting. It was quite a pick me up for me. :-)

So, give it to me.....what are my goals for this weekend if he comes up? Oh yeah, did I mention that my ex-husband will be here , too? lol He's coming down to go to a festival at Carowinds with S16s youth group. He doesn't care for H because as he put it, "he has the nerve to steal my family (me and S16) and then kick them to the curb??!!"

More about that later. That's a whole post in itself.

Gotta run. Baby's "calling".

I made an appt for a financial readiness class with a financial advisor here on Post. I want to lay some ground work. I used to be pretty good at that but lately, I'm not myself (can't imagine why? lol). I'm a big list maker so I need to have some knowledgeable neutral outside party help me come up with a plan. The Bible says, "Without VISION, the people perish" so I'm trying to come up with a vision, plan, goals, etc. I have some other things I'm working on but just trying to find time is rough.

Trying to stay upbeat and positive. Have been hanging note cards in a few strategic places around the house. The one I put up on the kitchen cabinet today says: "We may not have much money for the things we want, but we have A LOT OF LOVE IN THIS HOUSE AND WE HAVE EACH OTHER". I wrote it in marker on a 8x10 piece of paper so the kids could read it.

L&L

can I borrow your 8x10 quote? I think we need that in my kitchen, too!

Good for you for going to see the financial counselor. I would like to do that, in conjunction with H, but he will not be willing to go with me, I am sure. I am going to have to start pushing him soon. He revoked my POA, but he will be leaving on deployment in Sept. Both cars will need to be re-registered, I will ahve to renew the lease, plus there are any number of other issues that come up during deployment thaa you cannot deal with without one. Luckily, a close friend is an ombudsman for H's new duty station. She will go to the command, even if I do not have the nerve to do it. I may do it after he goes to sea anyway, if only to force his hand. Then again, maybe not. Who knows. Right now, I am just hurting and cannot think straight.


SMW

In our unit, the command MAKES the guys get a POA for their wives. Mine expired but I need him to give me at least a specific POA because my i.d. expires on July 3 and he'll be at school.

Well, he's here right now at the house (I'm at my neighbors patio enjoying not being "paged" by any children). I thought he wasn't going to make it because he usually drives up at night after school and he wasn't here when I woke up (but my ex-H was for S16. lol). But he slept a little first and got here late this morning. The kids were ecstatic. I didn't tell them he was coming. S5 was taking the dog out when he saw his daddy's truck pull up. I got tears in my eyes watching him run to him and the look of excitement on both of their faces. The kids played with him for awhile. I was so happy to see the baby's response to him, like no absence had occurred. The neighbor kids came over and H said they could play for a little bit while he took a quick nap after that long drive. Well, he slept a little longer than he expected but um, well, I might have had something to do with that. teehee I've had to make a lot of sacrifices and go without quite a few perks I'm used to. If I've got an opportunity to get some guilt-free somethin-somethin, I'm going for it. I "earned" it. :-) My friend called (the kids were at her house) but I didn't answer the first time so she figured I was "reclaiming territory". lol

No relationship talk. I'm still doing my own stuff around the house although it's hard not to stay glued to him like we usually are. One of the kids friends asked him where he lived. He said, "I live here but I'm just away at school for the Army". Hm. I asked him a few minutes ago if he would buy some groceries for the kids because we were out of most stuff. He said yes. He also ordered pizza for everybody.

I've been noticing myself doing things differently as a result of the awesome advice I've been getting and the things I've been reading in DR and in FWO (I admit, I've also been reading, "For Men Only" to see if I'm a "typical, normal" woman. I'm happy to report that I am. lol) The biggest think I've noticed is that I'm starting to look ahead at consequences of actions or reactions before I do something. I made a note for myself on my cabinet, "THINK before you act and then THINK AGAIN. No: "more of the same" or going down "cheeseless tunnels". You all must think my whole house looks like it's wallpapered in post-it notes. ha ha

For example, when I woke up this morning and saw that he hadn't arrived in the night. I almost started crying. I went to check my email to see if he left a message. Nothing. I tried calling him. No answer. I almost sent him a message about the no show but chose not to (big huge step for me, sarcasm is one of my strongest traits, sadly). Then I thought when he called, I'd make comments about the "Cats and the Cradle" song and about this being the 3rd time, blah blah blah. When I was in the yard and saw his truck pull up, my heart leaped and I thanked GOD that He stopped me from actin a fool during one of my emotional assumption episodes. Big leap for me in maturing.

I have had a bad habit since I was a kid of doing the "flyin by the seat of my pants, knee-jerk reaction, aggressive controlling" thing in a desperate attempt, provoked by fear, to keep myself from feeling pain. I have FINALLY figured out (after 40+ years)that just because I can control the outside of things, it does little to affect the inside. Like that old joke about the rebellious boy whose father told him to go sit in the corner and he says, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm STANDING UP on the inside!" The Bible says, "man looks on the outer appearance but God looks on the heart". So, I could surmise that my H is fine in our marriage because I managed to scare off an OW, monitor his cell phone, whereabouts, etc. But I discovered that assumption was far from the truth. When the time was right and after his "insides" had created and added to an elaborate escape plan (ok, well it's not all James Bond-ish as all that, but you get what I'm saying. :-)), he flew the coop. Only he and God can do anything about what's inside. My job is to not encourage him in the wrong direction and to stay tenacious with the DB techniques. The outcome is whatever it is.

I see that I am really growing through this process. I'm glad I've been journaling here and on my blog. I'm able to see where I was and how far I've come.

Well, I just peeked in my back door and they (and the neighbor kids) are playing a game at the table with the Poppa, eating pizza. No one seems to notice I'm gone. HALLELUJAH!! Even the baby is happy. Usually, I can only get about 15-20 minutes out of his view before he starts looking for me and crying (hence, my short internet sessions when I go outside). I know he's up here for Father's Day but glory be, it feels like MOTHER'S DAY to me. lol

l&l--

You are doing great! Definitely stay away from the relationship talk and keep up the PMA you are demonstrating in your post. Think and Think Again is a good motto to live by for those of us who have a tendency to open mouth and insert foot. Enjoy your time with him and the parental break you are getting. Do not have any expectations of anything further happening, but if it does enjoy it for what it is--two people who have great sex together.

Oh, and love the friend's comment about reclaiming territory! LOL

SMW

In our unit, the command MAKES the guys get a POA for their wives. Mine expired but I need him to give me at least a specific POA because my i.d. expires on July 3 and he'll be at school.

Well, he's here right now at the house (I'm at my neighbors patio enjoying not being "paged" by any children). I thought he wasn't going to make it because he usually drives up at night after school and he wasn't here when I woke up (but my ex-H was for S16. lol). But he slept a little first and got here late this morning. The kids were ecstatic. I didn't tell them he was coming. S5 was taking the dog out when he saw his daddy's truck pull up. I got tears in my eyes watching him run to him and the look of excitement on both of their faces. The kids played with him for awhile. I was so happy to see the baby's response to him, like no absence had occurred. The neighbor kids came over and H said they could play for a little bit while he took a quick nap after that long drive. Well, he slept a little longer than he expected but um, well, I might have had something to do with that. teehee I've had to make a lot of sacrifices and go without quite a few perks I'm used to. If I've got an opportunity to get some guilt-free somethin-somethin, I'm going for it. I "earned" it. :-) My friend called (the kids were at her house) but I didn't answer the first time so she figured I was "reclaiming territory". lol

No relationship talk. I'm still doing my own stuff around the house although it's hard not to stay glued to him like we usually are. One of the kids friends asked him where he lived. He said, "I live here but I'm just away at school for the Army". Hm. I asked him a few minutes ago if he would buy some groceries for the kids because we were out of most stuff. He said yes. He also ordered pizza for everybody.

I've been noticing myself doing things differently as a result of the awesome advice I've been getting and the things I've been reading in DR and in FWO (I admit, I've also been reading, "For Men Only" to see if I'm a "typical, normal" woman. I'm happy to report that I am. lol) The biggest think I've noticed is that I'm starting to look ahead at consequences of actions or reactions before I do something. I made a note for myself on my cabinet, "THINK before you act and then THINK AGAIN. No: "more of the same" or going down "cheeseless tunnels". You all must think my whole house looks like it's wallpapered in post-it notes. ha ha

For example, when I woke up this morning and saw that he hadn't arrived in the night. I almost started crying. I went to check my email to see if he left a message. Nothing. I tried calling him. No answer. I almost sent him a message about the no show but chose not to (big huge step for me, sarcasm is one of my strongest traits, sadly). Then I thought when he called, I'd make comments about the "Cats and the Cradle" song and about this being the 3rd time, blah blah blah. When I was in the yard and saw his truck pull up, my heart leaped and I thanked GOD that He stopped me from actin a fool during one of my emotional assumption episodes. Big leap for me in maturing.

I have had a bad habit since I was a kid of doing the "flyin by the seat of my pants, knee-jerk reaction, aggressive controlling" thing in a desperate attempt, provoked by fear, to keep myself from feeling pain. I have FINALLY figured out (after 40+ years)that just because I can control the outside of things, it does little to affect the inside. Like that old joke about the rebellious boy whose father told him to go sit in the corner and he says, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm STANDING UP on the inside!" The Bible says, "man looks on the outer appearance but God looks on the heart". So, I could surmise that my H is fine in our marriage because I managed to scare off an OW, monitor his cell phone, whereabouts, etc. But I discovered that assumption was far from the truth. When the time was right and after his "insides" had created and added to an elaborate escape plan (ok, well it's not all James Bond-ish as all that, but you get what I'm saying. :-)), he flew the coop. Only he and God can do anything about what's inside. My job is to not encourage him in the wrong direction and to stay tenacious with the DB techniques. The outcome is whatever it is.

I see that I am really growing through this process. I'm glad I've been journaling here and on my blog. I'm able to see where I was and how far I've come.

Well, I just peeked in my back door and they (and the neighbor kids) are playing a game at the table with the Poppa, eating pizza. No one seems to notice I'm gone. HALLELUJAH!! Even the baby is happy. Usually, I can only get about 15-20 minutes out of his view before he starts looking for me and crying (hence, my short internet sessions when I go outside). I know he's up here for Father's Day but glory be, it feels like MOTHER'S DAY to me. lol

Oh crud, I think the sex might have been too good for him. I just went over to refill my tea and he's asleep again in the chaise!

The kids finally gave up on him taking them to the pool and started a game of "hose tag" outside. H told them we would go to the pool tomorrow, that he wanted to do that for Father's Day, and we would take a picnic. D8 came over to me, crying, about how she's waited all day for Daddy to wake up and go to the pool with them. I told her that I would've taken them but didn't feel right about all of us leaving Daddy sleeping like that after he drove up here to see them. I told her we'd go tomorrow and that it would be fun. She started crying more and said, "no, we won't go tomorrow either. Daddy will have a headache or be sleeping." It makes me so sad because that is a prominent memory of their time with him before he left us, that and being on the computer for hours on end. In the past, I would've used all of the psychology and persuasive powers I could muster to "coerce" him into doing things with us. Probably 75% of the time that's how it was. That had a lot to do with my frustration with him and the ensuing sarcasm and angry outbursts from me. I am VERY family centric and I believed him to be so, too. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. He DOES indeed love his children very much but he's not very involved for long periods of time. When he's away, he doesn't call them very often either. His family is the same way. They haven't spoken to the kids or me since Christmas. I swear, if it wasn't for me and the kids over the years, H would've had very little contact with his family. They get along great, just not big on keeping in touch. Strange. I talk to my family several times a week. Anyway.

I really believe he suffers from clinical depression and has for some years. Sometimes, he can rise above it. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. He just reminds me of those Cymbalta commercials. The anger and depression make me think bipolar or at least borderline BP. Who am I to say? I'm trying to stop "diagnosing" him all the time.

It hit me the other day that it seems like most of the time, there was this underlying anger towards me most of our marriage. There would be months where I didn't feel it and then for a couple of months, there it was again. I would wonder what I had done wrong or be afraid to speak so as not to set him off. Hard for me because I am VERY outspoken and confrontational when I need to be.

Well, I keep wrestling with whether I should go check on the kids or not. I hear S5 having a fit. But then I think, hell no. I'm with them 24/7. Sleepy or not, he can deal with them for one afternoon. I'm not going to "bail" him out. That's how most of our marriage has been. Me putting out fires and coordinating everything and him doing his own thing. No more. Well, at least not while he's at my house. When he's at school, I can't control that.

It's a nice cool breeze out now and I certainly don't want to go back in the house. I feel forgotten over here and it feels great! lol

lovnlrn,

I'm new here and can't give any advice really but I wanted to let you know how similar your situation is with mine in some parts (the career and personality of our husbands, that is).

I'm a military wife also, husband is in Iraq right now. I started my thread with my story yesterday, been going through this for about a month now. What really strikes me is the moodiness of these guys. Mine is exactly the same way, you never know what you're gonna get. Also, the injuries with work, losing jump status because of it (mine too), stresses of combat, the complete detachment from the rest of his family, possible depression and bipolar disorder. Do we have the same husband? This has been going on for years. It's hard, I know. I feel for you.

One thing I wanted to talk to mention though. (I also have a 16 year old). Kids are more resilient than we think they are. Are you dead set against moving with your husband? I didn't think mine would make it, and she did much better than I thought. I was always catering to everyone's emotional needs, I never realized the move would go as well as it did because the whole thought of uprooting my child's life was devastating to me.

Good luck and hope to talk to you soon!

Funny you should mention that about my 16 yr old and school. I was just sitting here thinking about that. In all honesty, if I thought H would really give a concerted effort to making the marriage work or if he even WANTED to stay with me (which he says he doesn't), I would love to move to GA with him and start fresh. It would be a good start for a new life for us. A new Post, a new area where no one knows us and we have no negative history, a new MOS for him (in computers which he is very gifted at)... But my S16, well, the high school in the town outside Bening is in a very bad neighborhood. My son is in honors classes and is doing really well with the baseball program, which is like a big family. Plus, the love of his life lives here and goes to school here. He already told me that if I moved to Georgia, he would not go and that he would move to Baltimore with his dad (my ex). I only have 2 years left with him before he goes to college and it is a horrible choice to make. Plus, I gave him my word. A hard thing for me to break. My H has said repeatedly that we will never live together so a couple of months ago, I started making plans for a life without him, which he kept telling me I "had" to do and accept that we weren't staying married. My kids have been through so much. H and I used to fight a lot, verbal stuff, but harsh nonetheless.

I am very torn. H is so quiet today. I can't figure out if he's depressed about being around me in our home, like it's suffocating him or going backwards or something. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive but for someone who says he's "having the time of his life", he doesn't seem very happy. I feel like he just wants to "erase" us and move forward with a new woman and a new family. His face lights up around our children though but he just seems so distant in general. I just tried talking to him about normal stuff, me going back to school, etc. and I just got a blank look at the tv in return. Typical stuff. Like before he moved out. The kids talk to him and I have to get his attention and say they said something. I don't know. I'm not in a position to say anything to him about it, though. **sigh**

My h got new (unexpected) orders too, I thanked god when I found out, a new start, no one would know who we are, or that he had had a pa, but then I found out he didnt want me to go with him. I dont know if he plans on taking the OW there, but I dont think so, right now Im planning on moving with him, I dont know what else to do, the chaplains have been an incredible resource for me, they havent been trying to sway him or anything, just praying with me and listening when I need to talk. Good luck, sometimes I feel like the military community here is sort of shunning me, rumors and gossip, like hes on the inside and Im on the outside, Im sure that they just dont know what to say, but its still tough, but I hope you arent going through that.