Jak, Matilda, and Piecing Friends, My W and I went dancing two nights over the weekend. Friday night was at the local R&B venue, where we hardly know a soul. Sunday night we ventured to a different venue to try out our west coast swing steps. It seems like my W is most happy when she's on the dance floor.
On Saturday night we slept thru a party we had been invited to. My W turned in for a nap around 8:30PM. I too fell asleep. At 2:30AM, my W came storming into my bedroom, shrieking that we had missed the party.
It was unpleasant for the next 12 hours. She really wanted to go to that party. I feel badly that I didn't push myself to get up and wake her up. I offered to go to a casino that's about an hour from us, as I knew she'd be unhappy staying-up by herself all night. Even though she was initially crabby, she was grateful for the companionship.
She bought a 52" screen TV for her entertainment room. I went with her on Saturday and helped her pick a new sofa. She asked me if I would sit and watch a movie with her sometime.
She again asked me if I really wanted to go to Hawaii with her, as she didn't want a party pooper for a companion. I told her that I felt like I already conveyed my interest in going, and didn't know what more to say to conninvce her that I wanted to go. She's going to follow-up with the travel agent soon.
She continues to struggle with sleeping on a regular schedule, falling asleep, and peaceful sleep. It's hard for me to relate or understand how it affects her mood during the day, as I'm a regular, sound sleeper.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It was unpleasant for the next 12 hours. She really wanted to go to that party. I feel badly that I didn't push myself to get up and wake her up.
I understand where you're coming from here, there is a similar dynamic in my R, BUT when you catch yourself feeling bad, please remember to ask yourself: How old is your W? Who is really responsible for waking up and remembering to go to parties?
Aud, I did not apologize for what happened to her. I did explain to her that I fell asleep, as I didn't want her to think I was up and about and let her sleep thru the party. I think this is what she was most concerned about--that I chose not to wake her, because I didn't want to go.
I assume the dynamic you're referring to with your H, is one blaming you for something that was their fault.
You are correct. Her sleep problems are for her to solve. I can assist her to the extent I can, but it's not my problem to solve. She's going to add a few more alarm clocks in her room as a back-up.
Perhaps my feelings are related to the missed party opportunity, and our failure in communication, versus thinking that I've done something wrong.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Once again, it sounds like you handled the right way. It sounds like your W needs someone to yell at sometimes. And you are it, as the closest person to her.
Glad you're keeping up with the dancing. That is something that connects you.... something that you have together that you both enjoy. Keep it up!
What's up with yoru W's sleeping problems? I didn't realize this was an issue. I know that depression causes sleeping problems. Couls this have something to do with it?
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, I'm not sure what the deal is with her sleeping problems. Her sister told me that she has been difficult to get-up even as a child. Her sister also told me that insomnia runs in the family. Different factors probably also affect the quality of her sleep--alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, anxiety, and other factors.
She is on an AD (Remeron) and Ativan for anxiety. Her mother had psychiatric problems (we're thinking a mood disorder with psychotic features).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, and Piecing Friends, After our dance class, during the week, while people were chatting and gossiping, I noticed the dance teacher swoop over to my W and ask her a question. The two of them went off into a corner. I noted to a classmate, "I think there is trouble happening." He replied, "Trouble is their (women) middle name."
I strained to eavesdrop on the conversation. I think the dance teacher was asking about our sex life. I think my W was stating that there isn't one because I won't touch her. I can't be sure that this is what was said.
The simple advice is that I should speak-up and address the issue (intimacy) with my W. My therapist thinks I'm being conflict-avoidant. It's hard to know where the line is between patience and avoidance.
I think I'm still on the side of patience. I will have to see signs that my W wants to move forward. I don't think we can risk any more trauma or rejection in this area. I like to think that I'm working on building a foundation for intimacy and connection via the dancing and poetry, and will be better prepared to address it relationally when the opportunity presents itself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
