All of the things I have suggested to you are things which have been suggested to me on this board. So have a think about them and do what is comfortable for you. Take your time, but speed up (If you know what I mean).
How about a movie about Hawaii?......not that it is romantic, but it would show your interest in the vacation plans! Our library has lots of travel videos/dvds.
Matilda and Lanzo, I'm trying to think what part of the country has frequent storms that quickly come and go, and then reveal a peaceful blue sky and pure air. This is what it's like being married to my W.
She hurt her wrist yesterday trying to protect our cat from the handyman's dog. Hopefully, it's simply a soft tissue strain.
We were up practicing dancing until midnight, so I didn't fall asleep until 12:30AM. She had to be at work at 8AM.
I didn't wake-up until 7:30AM (I'm usually up at 6AM to write my poetry). There was a note on my mirror, but it was not legible. The only thing I could decipher was that she was calling in sick. I noticed that she was up and in her bathroom, then went back to her room, so I figured she was up (apparently not).
As I was preparing to leave and say goodbye to her, she came storming out asking why I didn't wake her. Once again she placed the responsibility of waking-up on me, and hoped that her note would coordinate things. Normally, it would have worked, but my sleeping-in derailed her plan.
Now, she's mad at me blaming me for her calling in sick to work ten minutes late. She also had decided on her own, that she was going to work.
I sent her an email this morning explaining how I woke-up late, and couldn't read her scrawled note. I'll just have to let it go beyond this point, though further scolding is possible.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Practicing with W til midnight sounds good keep it up.
Originally Posted By: Concerned Listener
frequent storms that quickly come and go, and then reveal a peaceful blue sky and pure air. This is what it's like being married to my W.
Same for me too.
Originally Posted By: Concerned Listener
I didn't wake-up until 7:30AM .......
As I was preparing to leave and say goodbye to her, she came storming out asking why I didn't wake her.
Why not try and take control of this situation (without being controlling). Get yourself a new alarm clock or fix your old one and get into the habit of waking W in the morning with a fresh pot of coffee or similar. This will start W off in a good mood also it gets her used to you entering her bedroom in the mornings. Actions like this could help you in you progression to moving things forward.
Lanzo, I think the lack of coordination that occurred yesterday is reflective of the transition that is occurring in our R. One gets used to being single again in a sense, and it's easy to miss the cues when the spouse wants to be in partnership again. I have to learn to think as a partner again, or for the first time with different situations.
My W wants me to assist her in waking-up. I approach it as I'll wake her up, if I'm up, but otherwise she's on her own. I can understand her embarrassment about calling in sick to her job, fifteen minutes late. Instead of viewing this as an annoyance, I can view it as another sign and opportunity as you say for increased partnership.
I am an early riser anyway, so it's not a problem usually to wake her up. She's asking for my help, and is hurt when I fail to assist her.
I did get another scolding later in the day, but I listened and let her say her piece. I could only offer that I too slept in that morning as an excuse.
We got back on-track later that day with the dance lesson, and dancing at a downtown venue that evening. I'm getting more confident on the dance floor.
My dance teacher said that dancing is allowing me to express a part of myself that is within me but needed a way to be expressed. I think she knows the dynamics between my W and I, and the intimacy issues that I have. Dance lessons are also dance therapy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W wants me to assist her in waking-up. I approach it as I'll wake her up, if I'm up, but otherwise she's on her own.
This is a little confusing to me. Will your wife know when you plan to wake her up and when you don't? Just saying "if I'm up" is the part I don't find helpful. Even my D17 relies on me to get her up for school, but if she has somewhere to go during the summer and she knows I will have already left for work she gets up ok on her own. You're your wife's security.....she just seems to demand things from you instead of appreciating what you do.
I like Lanzo's idea of waking her up with a tray of coffee or tea (add a flower for good measure), but I would think you would need to feel you were doing that out of love instead of because she "demands" it. That could be a nice surprise one morning(just not after being scolded for not waking her up when it's not really your responsibility)
I like Lanzo's idea of waking her up with a tray of coffee or tea (add a flower for good measure),
Hey good ole Lanzo (nothing like a bit of selfpraise).
Seriously though, if you are already up in the mornings why not start this as a regular routine it will sure ease any tension that occurs in the mornings.
Matilda and Lanzo, I do make her coffee in the morning. Your point is well-taken. I have an easier time with rising than she does, so why not help ease her into the day, and give her some latititude with her grumpiness.
She asked me to sleep with her last night and wanted to be cuddled. She said I didn't have to if I don't want to. My only concern was that it might move too quickly into sex.
We had a nice evening last night. I've been venturing into her computer/TV room more often to talk. I pulled-out a grammar book I'm reading to brush-up on some grammar and quizzed her on typical grammar mistakes. She enjoys this type of mental stimulation as grammar skills are a strength for her, and it helped me to review some basic grammar for my poetry writing.
My supervisor is leaving the agency, leaving open a management position. My W and I talked about me considering this position, and my readiness for it. I've been with the agency for twelve years, and practicing as a social worker for 19 years. I've never held a management position.
I recommend a poem called "Chinese Print: No Translation" by Peggy Shumaker from her collection, Esperanza's Hair (1985). It's about a husband's frustration over his wife's expressed unhappiness with the marriage, and his efforts to find out what she wants so he can make her happy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Things are moving forward positively for you! Exciting and scary? Your W asked you to sleep with her and cuddle. This is a strong message from her. She'd like to be close to you. She's attracted to you. Did you use her request as an opportunity to talk about your sleeping arrangement and your feelings? Your W is opening a door to communicate on this subject and IMO it's important that you address it and not let it slide.
My H and I have had intimacy problems for years. He too was timid and wanted everything to be almost perfect before approaching me. ML was an anxiety producer for him and he avoided it. I started getting used to being his roommate too. When I realized I no longer desired him, and was closing the door to my own sexual expression and identity it was very painful. I wasn't willing to give that part of myself up and after a year, I wasn't willing to wait on him to decide to be part of the solution. I had NO idea what the magic combination of factors was that would lead to us ML on a regular basis. Very frustrating! It was hard to see an end in sight to the lack of intimacy and in my mind, being in our M meant giving up my sexuality and an important part of who I am as a woman.
Our C advice was.. just do it!! He explained that it's at the very heart of being one as a couple. He told my H straight out that withholding intimacy and rejecting your spouse regularly is abuse. I was shocked that he took such a strong stand with my H on the issue. I was willing to stick with it for 6 months and be patient and our C said that's too long. He asked my H to make a decision about whether or not he wanted to be married to me and has what it takes to meet my needs. He said if he does, then he needs to start meeting my needs on a regular basis, if not, he needs to fess up and let me go. I thought it was very harsh advice, but honestly, it was what my H needed to hear.
We've continued counseling and things are wonderful now. That session with the C was a turning point in our R. My H was waiting on a laundry list of things to happen so he could be comfortable ML and being close to me. When we started ML regularly again, those things started to come together.
Think about it CL. You are a wonderful, man. If you can reach into yourself and find love for your W, take a chance? You deserve to be be blissfully happy and in love... you've worked SO hard! Maybe a little more intimacy will solve some of the problems that have kept you distant.. the sleeping elsewhere.. the anger you wife exhibits over small things. She might be speaking out of frustration at those times. Maybe part of her overspending and materialism is a way for her to meet her need for love she feels she's not getting? You never know until you try.
If you are not sure about it at least let W know what you want to happen (cuddle no sex etc.) but at least you will be together, talking and being connected.
Exciting and scary? Your W asked you to sleep with her and cuddle. This is a strong message from her. She'd like to be close to you. She's attracted to you. Did you use her request as an opportunity to talk about your sleeping arrangement and your feelings? Your W is opening a door to communicate on this subject and IMO it's important that you address it and not let it slide.