I hear ya!! and your not alone at all in how you feel about things...
glad to hear your gonna "get off your butt" (your words from a previous post) and enjoy life for you...I know it's hard to do..especially when part of what you want to do is enjoy life with h...but maybe if you're having fun enjoying your life with dd, h may want to join in...and if he doesn't well...after all it will be his loss wont it??
Hi Tania, Thanks for stopping by my thread in Hopefulness a couple of times. I'm glad for you that you are piecing, but I guess you still have a lot of work to do. Did your H say why he wanted to try to work things out? It might help you to understand his motivation, and maybe find what you can build on.
I know you have to give H time and space to get over OW, but I don't think I could be understanding about the OW ring and a picture still in his briefcase. It's tough though, because he has to see her every day. If we get to piecing, my H will still see (denied) OW regularly because she is a rep. to his agency that he deals with.
Where in MD are you? Are you and H federal employees? Where? My H is, and I was until October when I quit to stay home with S. I need to re-apply soon. You can email me at nick1023@yahoo.com if you don't want to say here.
You're in a tough situation, but it seems like maybe you need to find some things to do to move it forward just a little bit at a time, without freaking him out.
Welcome Longhaul.....PATIENCE...take things slow...make yourself do things for you..have a long talk with yourself, and realize you will be a better person because of this..I know that sounds strange, but I have never felt better about myself in a long time...and I think h could maybe say the same about himself...I have lost weight, taken up hobbies I have put off, gone out with friends..of course I would like to say that h and I are living happily ever after..together...and that will come if it is meant to be.It is so hard, but you have a beautiful daughter who needs a strong, healthy mom.
Thanks for stopping by. Yes H and I are both Federal employees working in D.C., but we live in Rockville. He came to me in January and said he wanted to work things out. I was surprised and caught a little off guard. I'd previously spent so much time thinking about us getting back together, but hadn't thought about it for awhile at that time. I was making plans for D and me and trying to move on. I made the mistake of jumping too eagerly on the bandwagon I think. Should have taken more time to figure out how this would work.
H gave the ring to OW on 5/7 (which was the day I transferred to D.C.) with a letter saying he needed to work on his family now. Not that that makes buying her a ring any better. I thought he had already made that decision. H hasn't really lied to me that I know of. Answers questions that I ask, and sometimes offers up information on his own but rarely. I think there are things he doesn't share though.
I don't think things between them were over when he told me they were. Just a feeling. I'm also not sure where he is in the process of getting over her. I'm not sure what goes on between them at the office. They could still be e-mailing or whatever. H doesn't know that I know about the picture in his briefcase.
I told my H early on if he changed his mind to let me know and it would never be too late to try and work things out. He took me at my word and I don't think he believes I will ever not be an option for him. Honestly when he came to me it was almost too late. H indicated he cared about my and our Ds welfare, and felt like he was running away from his responsibilities. I made it clear I didn't want him to sacrafice his happiness for D and I didn't want to either. Early on it seemed like we had some good discussions about it. Now only rarely.
I don't know what's going to happen. We carry on a relatively normal but totally platonic family life. Can I live like that forever? No. I told him recently we were just going through the motions and I didn't know how long I could hold on waiting to feel a connection from him. Wouldn't that be ironic to go through all this and be a WAW in the end?
I knew working this out would be hard and would take a long time. I didn't think about how the lack of true companionship and affection would feel over long periods of time. I don't recommend people try it, it sucks.
I have to accept that my H is still deep in fog or the throws of his A or post-A and still has feelings for OW. Truthfully though someday he will have to decide to really get over her or he will force me to try and get over him. That's the brutal reality of all this. I don't know when the time to make that decision comes. Does he need a few more months? Can I give him a few months?
We just bought a new house so we can't sell it and escape capital gains until we've owned it for 2 years. Not that that would stop us from selling it if we had too. Sometimes I think he wanted to buy a house so he would feel trapped, but I don't know that for sure.
A mutual friend of ours told me early this year that in November H told her OW wasn't the "one" but he didn't know if he wanted to come back to me. He sure acts to me like he felt OW was the one.
Susan I'm so sorry you're going through what you are. You're smart to get on the bb early in the game. I lurked but should have shared. I think I would have felt better if I did. Stay strong for your S. It's so unfair to them to be going through this. My D is 5 and was aware of daddy's absence, which was really painful for me. Keep doing well for you. Hopefully your H will figure out what he has to lose before it's too late.
Sue
Thanks for the kind words. I need to focus on me for me and be more patient. I'm afraid that H will view that as pulling away. He did seem concerned that we didn't do enough together when all this started. I need to figure out how to balance my feelings for H and letting him know I care about him and feeling good about myself.
Thanks to you both for stopping by. It eases the loneliness a little.
It's so nice to hear someone say that my thoughts are normal. I've had a lot of support from my family and a few close friends, but as much at they try they can't understand DBing. I was lucky my parents supported my desires to save my family. My friends supported it but some of them couldn't understand why I would want to.
Had an okay day today. H started preparing the kitchen to paint. We painted together. Later took DD to the park and stopped for popsicles. I appreciate the little things. It's so hard to reign in the little voice that screams why can't you just love me? Why does this have to be so hard? Wasn't this your idea?
I am my worst enemy. H is off work tomorrow and is taking DD to his parents. Could he go out and do something contrary to our marriage? Yep. Can I control that? No. So why do I think about it.
Resnooped on his cell phone to torture myself with old text messages. Why do I do that to myself? It's not like he couldn't delete any new messages or calls and I would never have any idea. Found out he sent message after he told me he wanted to work it out. Wonder how many other omissions are out there.
I'm not proud I've snooped. I haven't done it very often. I'm sure H would be angry and I couldn't blame him. Every time I think it's safe to trust though something happens. Like she calls distraught from her therapists office and he tries to make her feel better. I find out he still has lunch daily and rides the metro with her sometimes. He buys her a ring 2 days before my birthday.
There is nothing I can do about what he does though. The only person I can control is myself. If I can't control myself all I can do is make the situation worse and not better. I did take her skirt out of my closet and her vitamins out of the cabinet and put them in a bag today. I won't through them out, it's not my place. It would be nice if he wanted to sanitize to protect my feelings, but the gesture won't have the same effect if he does it cause I ask him to. Anyway I already asked twice and OW still lives with us, a little anyway. She did have some really good conditioner that I've almost used, and her shower gel smelled good.
I understand it's hard when something ends. I respect that they shared something, probably something H isn't ready to/or doesn't want to give up. I deserve respect too. Keep stuff someplace I don't have to see it. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but sometimes I feel like he thinks I am.
Hey, Longhaul: You're right, every couple who plans to be married should be given a course in Keeping Love Alive. It's too easy to take our spouses for granted. Still, don't beat yourself up over it. Forgiveness is a gift we can give ourselves. Give it to yourself, and if you're up to it, offer it to your spouse. When we realize we are imperfect people, married to imperfect people, forgiveness is an absolute must. Also, what you're saying, and others, too, is right. Get out on your own. Enjoy your life, and give yourself a pat on the back. At least he wanted to spend time with you. It may not fall into the catagory of fun, but it's time spent with you. So often we forget it's the little courtesies we do that spell love, and it's that time together that means love. Remember when you first met? You couldn't have enough time together. Even if you had nothing to say, or do, just being together was good! Take the baby steps, arouse his curosity. His interest will peak, and he will inquire about you. Remember, people are magnets. When you are attractive to yourself, and you like yourself, you can attract the interst of others, in this case, your spouse. And you're right about snooping. It often gets us no where, makes the other party mad, and makes us feel more down. It's like we're working to justify something, and really what we should be doing is working to make us closer to that other person. In other words, work to find a solution that works, rather than analize ourselves into paralysis about the problem. You're doing great! Keep up the effort! Sincerely, DoRight
