Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trying Hard to Detach

Update:

The weekend was really nice overall. The W went out Sat nite and I worked all day Sun. I still got lots of kid time in on both days. Interaction with W was nice and yet distant. She seems very distant at times and then just like we were pre D Filing at others. I am trying to be consistently detached.

She has called me twice this am about kid and non-kid stuff. There is still a huge amount of dependance on me for many issues. Should I help her on non-kid issues??

Well, no replies on the question about helping her on non-kid items. I agreed to help. Why not? Maybe I can DB with detached kindness.

Update:
I had my first Divorce Support Group Meeting last night. It was part class, part prayer and scripture and part group therapy/conversation. I was very interested in the opinions of two WAW's in my group and how they would get back with their husbands if they could "trust" them again. Maybe that's what the DBing with patience and consistency is all about. This group is another GAL activity that I have going with exercise and two church groups. I find that being with other people in the GAL activities really help. I realized in the group just how much that I love my W and Family and want the M to work. I spilled my feelings with my story and am still very much in the DB/DR Mode. The stories of the others were interesting, especially the bitterness that many have.
My W seems a little more relaxed the more that I detach. She is getting more and more comfortable around me. I am trying to get our interaction back to "normal".

Today was weird. Two calls from the W about kid stuff. Two more nice talks at home.

Then she tells me that the home appraiser is coming tommorrow. Everything has to be a lie and a secret with her. She could have told me before she found out I would be home at that time (I originally was not going to be home). It is so weird how she seems embarrased by these things. I am very open.

Still no D and R talks in 2.5 Weeks. Things are getting so calm and comfortable it is uncanny. My DB/DR GAL may be working w.r.t. reducing tension and making us like good friends but I see no cracks in the D armor. She seems determined and as happy as ever.

I want to have a R talk so bad. A check up, a status report, a toe in the water........ I know that it is wrong and will not help.

Detaching is hard whne the bombs are dropping. But I can see that it is my best hope to regain my self respect and ultimately my dignity.

No Posters on the thread in a while, so I will keep journaling.

Hi

I can't offer any advice on detaching because I'm not doing so well with it either. Just wanted to let you know that people are reading your posts so keep journaling at least.

GL
Jen

Eagle,

Patience - you and I are in the same boat, at least you have been doing a good job DBing for a couple of weeks, I have been since Sat. My thoughts are just like yours. The more I detach, the more she likes it! It seems so counter-intuitive, but all my posters say I have to detach more, don't call, don't have R talks, etc.

Stay strong. Sorry I haven't been around, I have been having a real rough time as well.

Be strong,

CBK

JenIV/CBK,

Thank you. I have been so focused on detaching that I expect results right away. I do know that I hit my babygoals almost every day. I swap out 1 a week (remove easy and input a new one). I just have no belief that she is in conflict..... I just need to keep detaching and letting it happen.....

I have not really reacted to last two or three cruel jabs.. I have heard her complain on phone that "He is so nice that it is driving me F$%&%$ Crazy!!"

I just wish I knew what was going on in her head.

Eagle, that is EXACTLY what my W said in counseling - he is "super" husband and I don't want it. I said I was doing this for myself. Then of course, I backslid Thursday and Saturday nights...

I am like you - in total limbo. I am willing to give this a long time, and trying to be patient!

CBK

It seems like you are doing pretty good with the detatching and GAL. I wish I could do a better job.

I looked into one of those divorce groups at a church, but it doesn't start up until September. That seems like such a long way away from now. But maybe once September gets here, I will sign up for it. Do you think it is a beneficial group? I have taken a break from IC because....well...I don't know. Maybe it is my own embarassment.

Keep journaling. I am reading it and am interested in what is going on.

Sara

Update:

I can't sleep tonight after the assessment issue. I am really questioning the whole DB/DR thing. The negative tension and emotions are removed from the sitch. No R/D talks. Alot of coparenting and friendship talks. My W is more open and in better moods each day.....
Why shouldn't she be? I have been reduced to a paycheck who sleeps on the couch, is a live in babysitter and funds her social life. Every day she gets closer to the D (and happiness). I am wondering if the DB techniques are working or she is just delighted that she is in control and getting what she wants. Can anyone tell the difference?
I will keep up the fight (especially to detach) but I beleive that she is enjoying this far to much to be having internal conflict.

I think the consistancy issue is a big one with WAW's. It eventually leads to building trust.

Real trust however is something that the WAW has to allow herself to feel, IMO...and someone that is 100% closed off simply won't allow it.