I thought I might weigh in as someone who can relate to having an LD wife. While things with my wife and I have never been as bad as you described, we are very mismatched on desire and sexual approach in general. I would be happy with 3-4 times/week and with being allowed to be me. By being allowed to be me I mean that I really like doing romantic things for her, and want to show up for sex able to try different things and go with whatever my mind wanders to during. Instead, we average twice/month. Once is always a "quickie" with no touching to speak of and the other time she allows herself to be taken to O with my hand before sex. I feel like I have to follow a sex-handbook the size of the tax code. If I protest or try to talk about it, she may get it once or twice and then things go back to the way they were before.
I tell you all this, not to hijack your thread, but to put something into perspective. I changed my screen name recently because I analogized that I feel like Charlie Brown with the football. I have become pretty cynical and jaded towards our sex life and many times over the years I have thought my wife finally gets it and things are now going to change. Just when I start to let my guard down and get re-energized towards our love life, the football is yanked away and we are back like before. Every time this happens, the new wall I put up is bigger than the last one and the less likely I am to try again. Over the years, that wall has gotten to be awfully big, let me tell you.
It sounds like that is where your husband is, so I think, and this is just my two cents, the best way you can bring it down is to keep doing what you are doing and realize that it will take a lot of time for the wall to come down and stay down. Understand that he will be watching to see if "the football gets yanked away" and if it does, a new larger wall may go up.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Good God woman! This is almost the worst thing you could say to a man! (or if he figures out how you feel) This is basically asking him to cut off his member and throw it in the bin! If my wife told me this or I thought this, I would either slit my wrists or leave!
I know I know I know I know I really know..... and now I know some more. I was young and depressed and quite selfish really I think.
What cues am I giving? Short of wearing the Kama Sutra on my head and balancing the beer on (um, I dunno?!) I'm not sure that I could be any clearer! But seriously, he knows I masturbate alone (he likes that, it shows I'm not just doing it for him), I'm vocal, adventurous, we talk about it afterwards if need be etc...
I'm learning alot from your posts NTE! Thanks for sharing!
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
Thanks for your input, it is really helpful. I'm trying to think of anything recently that might have put him off because I'm not aware I yank the football away any more...
We did have a small issue recently because he likes me to talk dirty (ie swear) in bed and I didn't know how I felt about that because I am a christian and I don't swear at all. We had a talk about it and I have done it a couple of times but we both know it's not really me. Maybe that has brought back some bad memories for him, I don't know.
I think also his idea of exciting sex is stuff like group sex (I kid you not) and really that is going to be out of the question for me. Don't think my Pastor would approve. I wonder if he thinks I can ever really be exciting enough for him.
My heart really goes out to you Charlie.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
If you are doing all that stuff, that would be the right track for me. I would have a heart attack if my wife behaved that way. Initially, I might be suspicious, but that would seriously be an answer to prayer.
My thought might be in some agreement with Charlie Brown that there might be a HUGE wall that needs to come down.
A thought on him dressing well etc. I know I need to feel like I could still seduce SOMEBODY. Since it is not my wife, I get a kick out of catching another woman give me the second glance etc. Part of this goes back to the male ego. It is really demoralizing to have landed the big fish and then find out the fish doesn't want what you have after she sampled the wares. This starts a round of destructive questioning, "I am a lousy lover, fat, unattractive," etc etc.
Before I got married, I worked really hard at seducing women, collected different types etc. I eventually got myself straightened out and quit that stuff and then met my wife. Now, here is the one I gave my heart to, and she does not find me attractive. Someting to ponder.
There are so many other things that I have said or not said to him which I can now see has affected him negatively - I'm not going to even tell you what they are, I know what you'll say...!
The other night I came in from the cinema and I was crying (hasn't happened since). We had a bit of a row, and he said it was difficult for him too. I said at least he wasn't the one being rejected. He said, and I quote, "I was rejected for 10 years, 10 years!!"
I learnt alot from that.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
"We did have a small issue recently because he likes me to talk dirty (ie swear) in bed and I didn't know how I felt about that because I am a christian and I don't swear at all. We had a talk about it and I have done it a couple of times but we both know it's not really me. Maybe that has brought back some bad memories for him, I don't know."
This is negotiable, depending on how comfortable you are. Not an unreasonable request, not an unreasonable refusal (my opinion). As a release to morality, I do not swear at all, but I would in bed if it turned on my wife. The marriage bed allows for the relaxing of some rules.
"I think also his idea of exciting sex is stuff like group sex (I kid you not) and really that is going to be out of the question for me. Don't think my Pastor would approve. I wonder if he thinks I can ever really be exciting enough for him."
This is TOTALLY OUT OF BOUNDS! It is not a matter of if your pastor approves or not. This takes two people with some serious life issues to make work on any kind of basis. I doubt you fall into this catagory. I will tell you the idea of a two on one is about the ultimate common male fantasy, but that does not make it right for practical application.
My guess is that your husband has a pretty severe porn or erotica habit if he is seriously needing that to enjoy sex. This is something he has to fix. It is a totally unreasonable expectation. Some amount of fantasy, role play etc is great for some folks, but there have to be boundaries. If he has been sex starved for so long, that could easily be where his release has been.
If he does have a porn issue, what is that to you?
"No, not porn, just his life before he met me. And not just group sex either, that's just the start of it."
Doubt it. The hold things had on me from before my getting serious about my morality and my marriage (14yrs) don't have much hold on me now. It is the stuff I put in my head later that really causes the isses.
What else is he asking for? Has his rejection of his faith really driven him this far? Habits are usaully somewhat short lived, at least in terms of years when they are starved.
