Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Separate or Not Separate?

Okay, fellow DBers. I need some voices of experience. My H walked out 7 weeks ago after I discovered an on-line affair that I think has turned physical (he denies) but they did meet and spend a weekend together in a hotel room (1 king bed). We have been communicating in a friendly manner, but he runs hot and cold with me. He still has contact with OOW.

I had to ask him for help with the kids on a future date and he stated he would like to help. When I told him the date, there was silence. He then stated that he could not help because he would not "be around" on that day. I inquired "the whole day, all weekend or what?" and he said "all weekend, and I'm not getting into this with you" I later found out that he is flying out-of-state to visit OOW at her apartment for four days. So if it isn't physical yet, it will be on June 26.

He continues to yo-yo me and I am tired of being hurt over and over. BUT, I still love him and want him to come back to his family. I have had DB coaching sessions and she tells me to not file any paperwork and wait for him to do it. I am afraid that if I wait, I will be at the disadvantage. I am also afraid that if I do file for S that he will look at that as his pass to freedom and he will never look back.

Does anyone out there have any experiences to share or opinions to offer? Thanks

Going to see my attorney tomorrow morning. Still not sure that I want to file for legal S, but the trip to CT to see OOW really has me angry!

H told his brother that "he is confused and doesn't know what he wants" WOW! Is that the understatement of the year??

Don't file out of anger. File when you are over the anger and when you have had enough time to think things over. Decisions made in anger are the ones we regret. Also, don't file for LS unless you are ready for D. And if you are ready for D file for D. Talk to a lawyer about what is appropriate in your situation. I inquired about LS and my lawyer told me it was better to just go for D.

One good thing for LS, and what he's doing... he won't need to feel so guilty! LS will make it easier for him to feel that what he's doing is okay. If you are LS, why not?

I know this is painful, and it's not going to change what he does. If he wants to do this, nothing will stop him. And anything you do to try and stop it will just make him angry and help him justify the decision. I personally think your best bet is to go "dark." Have no contact with him for awhile and work on you. If he contacts you be busy, you don't have time to talk, and FOCUS on YOU. Make YOU the type of woman he'd be stupid to leave.... and some other guy would be lucky to have. This won't happen overnight. You will go through a lot of pain, and it will be hard not to want to scream at him, or throw a cherry pie in his face, that's why it's important to go dark. You need to work through your anger and detach.

Thanks Runningout of time. I appreciate your take on the situation. I am not ready for D. I thought that maybe a LS would snap him back to reality, but did think about the fact that perhaps it would backfire and he would be relieved. That is, afterall, what he told me that he wants.

I am just afraid that if I don't file first, that I am at a disadvantage in setting terms.

I just filed for D today and wish I had the choice of Legal Sep. because that is really want I want. (not a choice in my state) I do think that all of this is going to snap my H back into reality (or maybe not). I said to him, "this is really happening...." but he still doesn't get it.

You have to look out for yourself. Legal sep is not divorce and I think it might be what you need, but only you can decide for sure.

I didn't file first, and I don't think I was at any disadvantage. I had the better lawyer, read lots of books, researched and learned as much as possible, etc.....

Not only did I not file first, I dragged my feet and went as slow as possible on everything. In fact, I think I had a better advantage because I got to see who his lawyer was and get someone much better!!! Also, I think if we had gone to court I would have looked like the more responsible partner because I was trying to keep my family together.

I don't think anyone should file to try and "snap" a spouse out of what they are doing. That's the wrong reason to file. You should only file if you want a D. And my A explained LS is usually done for specific financial purposes. One thing you have to consider, once you start LS or D the momentum of D can sometimes be difficult to stop. Also, if the LBS files it makes it more difficult for a WAS to return to a M if they have any second thoughts. Also, if they file they have to live with that regret, they are always responsible for having made that decision. They can't blame you for wanting the D in the first place. (My H tried to pull that one on me! When he started to finally "wake up" he said, "But you wanted the D, you filed..." Sorry bud, I have the documentation to prove otherwise).

The other problem with filing for LS is that it can be turned into a D very easily in some states. Just a matter of the L taking the LS papers in front of the judge and then all is final. Food for thought.

Someone once posted: If you could snap your fingers today and be divorced would it really change the sitch you are in? You would still have the pain and problems. I agree with ROOT. She is VERY wise and knows what she is talking about. Wait until you are sure you are ready before you make a decision like that.

Thanks everyone. I'm still contemplating what to do. I worry about money and it really makes me mad when I see that husband is buying plane tix to go visit OOW. Then yesterday, find out that he has applied for his passport. How do you keep the hope alive, all the while knowing that he is running around with OOW having a great old time?

Hi Barbara,

I'm sorry you're going thru this. My wife had an affair last summer, so I know what you're going thru.

I see where this has been going on for awhile now. Tell me, what were the consequences to your husband for having an affair? Have there been any? What do you plan on doing if he goes away for this weekend?

I'm not the typical DB'er, but to me, just based on the limited things you have posted, I think you may be giving him tacit approval for what he's doing. No, you can't STOP him, if he's hell-bent on having an affair, but there are certainly things you can do to make it a HELLUVA lot more difficult.

Puppy

Hey Barbara,

Did his mom ever get invovled as she had mentioned she might?