So, I should be at my party. I finished work and rushed home to pack my kids up for the weekend. I guess I am feeling a little dip. I know that the house is getting to me (clutter tends to build up during the week we are all rushing around, and when Fri comes, I just hate the thought of having to straighten it all out again--thank God summer is only a week away!) And I won't have the kids. They are going to a pool party tomorrow, and maybe out on the lake on Sunday.
Is it Father's Day? I lost my own dad so long ago (1994). And it was weird to not go shopping for x. I asked the kids if they wanted to, and they both said no, so they just got cards.
I got the first of the new support payments--$150 less than it was. Ouch.
CW was at the bus stop waiting for her girls, while her h was at their house. She dropped them off and took off. They can still be in each other's presence. I wonder if I will ever be able to do that; I hope so, cause I know it will be better for the kids. And the first test will be Monday at son's Court of Honor.
x was with his brother yesterday, helping to paint a house. I wonder if his life will really turn into the Hell that so many people predict. Maybe not.
Life is going on, I guess...I just have to get up and keep up with it, myself. I have been sitting around for far too long.
Seperate Ways by Journey just popped into my head.
I hope X's life does not become hellish. It would not make your life better, it would not be good for the kids.
Will his R with his GF work out? Maybe. But I'd guess not -- it is weird for him not to take her to the wedding. Either way, there will be some emotional stuggles to work through with respect to that R. This is true of any romantic R. And, most romantic Rs fail. A painful truth, but not one that makes a person's life hell.
Will he confront his behavior at some point and start to feel some guilt about some of his choices? Probably. This does not mean that he will seriously question his choice to leave the marriage, nor that he will conclude he should have remained married. We all have regrets. We live with them and can have happy lives.
Focusing on his projected future unhappiness as a way to cope remains seriously co-dependent. Don't let your friends, family, or the boards drag you down that road. Your emotional welfare should be independent.
Try to quit cataloging and analyzing X's choices and actions. When you start doing so, put a big "DON'T INTRUDE" in your head, for his life is not your business.
Resist any urge to revisit the Father's Day shopping question.
What are YOUR plans for the weekend? Maybe you and a friend could drive out to the vineyards to some wine tastings? Go take pictures of your favorite color in the city?
ot, I must be getting better at this. I pretty much journaled it while I started thinking about it, and shut it down as something not productive while I finished typing. I got up and went to my party, and had a great time I think the flash was triggered by seeing CW out, along with having the kids go. At least I am starting to make the connections, so I can be ready for the reaction that wants to rear up, and replace it with a healthier thought. I know my mind wants to drift back to the "comfortable" idea of him having a change of heart some day (which is why a part of me wanted him to go through Hell), but I've had enough of staying stuck and am forcing myself to deal with what is, which really isn't that bad.
The group of people at the party are from my drama-free school. I wish I could be there full time, but the budget doesn't allow the kids to have art 2x/week, so I have to go to another school 2 days. The building is only finishing its second year, and I have been a bit behind in getting "in" with the team, since I was out 1/2 the year last year for the spinal surgery, and 12 weeks this year. So, it was good to be able to have face time with my peers--it is a great group of people.
Thinking back on it, I might have smacked a little of the martyr a few times (trying to fill in a few people about my divorce who had no idea, without sounding like a victim--but why did I feel like I had to bring it up? Maybe to make it more real? More likely more self-pity, a bad habit), so I have to concentrate on getting that language out of my interactions with others. Its not who I want to be.
Tomorrow I am going to fire up the new kiln for the first time, and babysit it a while to make sure it runs ok. At the house, I have to mow the lawn (I actually love my tractor), and dig out again from the kids' cyclone. I am thinking of visiting my aunt on Sunday, but have to really look at the $$ to see if I can afford the gas (its about 100 miles round trip).
And I think I am going to splurge on a color change for my nails (cheaper than a manicure), and maybe even a massage--I went through a lot this week, even if I am doing ok with it. Maybe a reward for not falling apart?
Oh, I spoke with my psych today about getting some documentation to help me get an extension with grad school, maybe even a reimbursement for some of the classes I tanked when I couldn't do any of the work because of the depression. She was happy to hear how good I sounded and said she would help.
Congratulations on being strong during the court room portion. I dread going home to face a divorce. I really want to thank you for sharing with me about you "going for a rest", and being so open about your desperation. (Loved the phrase. LOL!) As you may recall, I almost checked out on my prescription medications in 2006, and spent 10 days "resting" myself. It is a darkness those who have never visited can understand. There were 3 suicides yesterday here in Iraq. One kid actually jumped out of a helicopter at 300 feet. Most of the suicides here are due to the loss of a spouse or significant other. People are amazed at how these Soldiers respond, but I usually say nothing. Those who know me here in Iraq see a quiet, performing officer, and could never have guessed that I was there two years ago. I am still so sad about the loss of the family structure, but not like I once was. It kills me that we get a vote that doesn't count here, and our kids pay for the bill.
I guess I'm somewhat taken aback by the reaction of your WAH. It's waht they want for so long, and maybe it is like the proverbial dog chasing the car.. They don't quite know what to do when they get it, but they are on a mission, as though guided by some weird internal beacon, but I did like ot's response.
I hope you have a great summer. You sound as good as you can for someone who just went through such an emotional ordeal. I only hope I handle it half as well as you appear to have.
Thanks, F. I do remember the darkness...sometimes I still look up into a perfect blue sky and see the umbrella of pain, but it is on the rare occassion, now, where before it was constant, even in my dreams. It just blankets everything, even when you have a moment of levity or laughter. Like those cartoons with the small raincloud over the head of one person, following them around. Those stupid people kept asking me how I had planned to hurt myself. I said, hurt myself, are you kidding? I want to STOP the pain! I'm glad for both of us and our kids that we hung in, even when we didn't want to.
As far as x getting upset...I saw it once before right before we separated. I had grabbed a notebook and dragged him around the house, asking how to shut the whole-house water off, how to change the furnace filters, etc. He started to cry. I said, what did you think divorce was? Do you think you are going to come in and do this stuff? They aren't second-guessing themselves, just doing their own grieving. I think one of the major problems is that these two people are on such different time schedules through this emotional path.
The last few times we had contact, he had said that it "didn't have to be this way." I said, what, you want to be buddies? Its like they want to pick and choose the parts of your relationship that they liked and just eliminate everything else, like respect, loyalty, security, love...if I had been better at Dbing, maybe I could have done just that, met him on his terms.
Take care of your men, and watch your butt over there!! Come home and know that it will not be as hard a job as the one you are currently in, even if it feels that way.
I got the lawn mowed (Fig, I did it side to side, too--is that wrong?). We're on an acre; next house will have a smaller yard. I missed the meetup with the custodian at school, so didn't get to fire the kiln, so that has to wait until tomorrow. My cousin called and reminded me that my side of the family is getting together tomorrow--did I want to come down to Brooklyn? So, I'm doing that tomorrow.
We also talked a little about the divorce and the whole thing--she can tell how much better I am sounding. Just forcing myself to stay in the moment.
Before anyone slams me, yes, I know that the below was going to happen--not unexpected. And no, I am not flying into a fit of rage, or even deeply disappointed.
I just got off the phone with the kids today. I knew they were going to a party, and asked if she had fun. She was blowing me off a bit, but I chalked it up to the tv being on. Got on with S, and I asked if there were any other kids there his age, at least. He said no, not at the party, but CW and her kids came by later--don't get mad at dad, mom. (The kids know that I really don't like her, and haven't pushed to find out the why behind it, but they aren't stupid, either).
Blech. I think that is the best word to describe it. Looks like she will be part of their lives sooner rather than later. So much for him getting the advice of the kids' counselor before doing anything. (I can hear his rationalizations now--"they came over as friends, like we had always done in the past-I didn't introduce the new R to the kids, yet!)
Whatever. I bet my kids will actually find a way to accept the situation quicker than I would think they could; they have been amazing at how well they have coped so far as it is. I'm the one with the problem with it, and as a grown-up, I'll just have to learn to live with it.
I still hate her, but will try to let that go, too. It doesn't affect her life at all if I hate her, but brings me to a more negative place.
Man, I bet he is celebrating. Saving $150/week, able to have his Brady Bunch life with the CW, her kids and our kids all together.
Blech. I now why they call it bitterness--leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
I don't blame you at all for how you feel. My sadness has been replaced by anger. No uncontrollable anger or rage, but anger that makes me pity my W., and hold yer responsible for the destruction of my family. Did I do evertything perfectly? No. Did my family deserve this over something like "empty love tanks"? Who knows. I think not. The anger is more of a smoldering resolve to not act or accept being treated like an unwanted pet. You sound as good as you can!
I guess it is something similar, here. I won't be yelled at again. I won't be desperate or begging again (finally, I know). My question, now, is what communication there will be at all. I plan on keeping it to email.
I sent a brief one yesterday:
Happy Father's Day. Thank you for helping me bring these two wonderful kids in the world and my life. Hope you enjoy your day.
I got: thank you!! back.
I spent the day with my family at a grad party; lots of good food, company and dancing!
Now, I just have to continue to concentrate on grace...
I didn't even get a Happy Fathers's Day. She's incredible. I sent her a birthday card last year. No response. I sent nothing for Mother's Day this year. Oh well......
I think the flash was triggered by seeing CW out, along with having the kids go. At least I am starting to make the connections, so I can be ready for the reaction that wants to rear up, and replace it with a healthier thought. I know my mind wants to drift back to the "comfortable" idea of him having a change of heart some day (which is why a part of me wanted him to go through Hell), but I've had enough of staying stuck and am forcing myself to deal with what is, which really isn't that bad.