Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is He Really Happier?

Well, he knocked on my bedroom door last night to tell me he found an apartment (we had discussed this a couple of weeks ago that he would move out and I would stay in the house with the dog until we could afford to sell). Asked if the dog and I would be okay in the house and said he would watch the dog whenever I needed him to. He moves out some time in July. I didn't think it would bother me that much, but it did make me feel really sad how mast he is moving things along and that he seemed so happy about it.

The day after the moving out announcement I got an email from him saying he felt like everything was moving fast, it felt surreal and he didn't know who he was or what he wanted. He has not told his parents because he thinks they will completely freak out and he can't face it. He says he feels sick all the time and almost starts crying when he reads/writes emails. He is still with the girlfriend and I don't know any more about that. He says he feels he is doing the right thing and than moving out might help him think more clearly. I confronted hiim about it last night (because a big issue is that we do everything via email and don't talk about upsetting stuff). I was somewhat hopeful after the email since this was the first time he had seemed not totally sure of everything in front of me since this all happened, but he seemed much more closed off when we talked, like he didn't want to give me any hope. I suggested slowing things down but he didn't seem open to that despite the email. He said if this was the direction things were going to go in he didn't want to delay it. He is moving out first week in July. He mentioned how fast it seems we have become distant and how well I seemed to be doing which surprised him. I am going to try and continue as I have been until he moves out. It is so hard knowing his girlfriend is in the picture and probably a stress free fun person to be around. I just have to try not to focus on her and focus on me. I even said to him that i had thought about what i would do if he ever wanted to come back and i didn't know the answer. He said nothing and I probably should not have said that. Oh well. Another day another drama!!

Florie, While being detached is a good thing, being kind to him, when you are able, is also helpful. I like that you offered for him to share your meal. I bet he appreciated that. Also, if you two interact better via email, then maybe emailing is the best way to communicate at this point. Do what works...

I agree with Plenty! I don't think being detached means you have to be unfriendly which is how I've seen some people interpret that. I am friendly and happy when I see my H (as I am with everybody) but my way of detaching is to try to limit seeing my H and when I do see him try to leave first after a few minutes or less! I do agree that email can be a good way to communicate esp. if you are teary or get upset or whatever. When we do email my H and I tend to be a lot calmer and more logical and you can think about what you are communicating more before you say it or send it or whatever. I do think you have to try to limit emails too though, sometimes we do tons of them and I do try to limit them to emails re: the kids, bills, and important stuff (although that is very hard for me!!!)

You mentioned how your H thinks he is going to be happier when he moves out. I remember my H was like that too; he kind of blamed me for everything like when he lost his keys or his being sloppy (thought he'd become a neater more organized person when he moved out but it didn't happen). H thought life will be less stressful, he was going to have more time, more money, be happier, etc. Basically they are in fantasyland or something. I have never seen my H happier than the day he moved out; I think he thought his new wonderful life was going to begin with OW! And I have never seen him happy since then! H realized that he would have less $ with double the bills, I think he misses the kids, and it's not quite the perfect life they imagine (of course)! So I wouldn't worry that your H is going to be so much happier. Plus, I found out that I was a lot happier without H and his OW, criticizing, yelling, etc. I think he was surprised to see how happy and great I am doing! Karen

Thanks for the feedback. I have been trying to ensure that in being detached I am still being kind. I have been keeping busy (went to a baseball game with friends Thursday and then out for dinner/movie with another friend last night). I sense that he is curious about my plans (I don't give him details). We have had a few little interactions over the last few days...Friday he received a sprts jersey in the mail and came down to show it to me as he had tried it on and asked my opinion. He was also very friendly and talkative with me for a few minutes before he went out today. While our interactions are limited, I am being positive and friendly and he is doing the same. Whether it means anything or not, it makes the house a more pleasant place to be at least and I can't complain about that :o)

I agree about the email too - at first I was emailing a lot and now I do it much less and try to respond more than initiate. I am going to keep occupying myself with things I enjoy, being 'lovingly detached' and be patient for now. Thanks again for the encouragement!

Hi Florie,

Thanks for stopping by my thread, and for sharing about your DB coach. I looked up the DB coach web page but don't see Susie there. Do you know if she is new to the team?

I think it's great that you and your H have contact. As for email contact, I think it's OK to email him from time to time, especially if it's related to "business" type issues. And if there is opportunity to thank him or show appreciation for anything he's helped you with, go for it, especially if his love language is "Words of Appreciation".

I think it was nice that your H asked you for your opinion on the sports jersey. He must have felt comfortable enough with you to do that, and also I think it showed that he values your opinion.

My H still wears the spectacle frames I got him a few years ago. He actually tried to replace them last year but went back to the old frames shortly afterwards. I guess he didn't like the look of the new frames after all. I think he trusts my fashion taste!

Tough weekend. H had not been out with OW for a week or so so far as I could tell so I was hopeful until he left around 10:30am Sunday and came home around 1:30am. I am dreading him moving out in July but at least I won't have to deal with the ups and downs around his comings and goings. Ugh.

Florie, sorry about your weekend. ((((Florie)))) I remember those days and they were really rough; my H would go out the whole night and went on some weekend trips with the OW (both of them married with kids)!!! Horrible! I know you are dreading him moving out, but that part will def. be easier on you, not having to know when he is out with the OW or whatever. Please post soon and let me know how your day is going!!! I hope good! Karen

Thanks Karen :o) Helps to know others have been through it. Today has been very blah. I sent H an email about the gutters and the neighbor and ended with 'I thought about you this weekend. How are you?'. Since he had the mini breakdown over email last week about things going to fast and him not knowing himself any more I was hopeful. His reply was very cheery - yes he is doing much better and said our talk had helped him and glad we had gotten things out in the open and some chatty stuff about a baseball game he is going to. It irked me because he barely talked at all after his breakdown email and it was all me reassuring him that his parents won't hate him, that I will be okay when he leaves and am still sad (it bothered him tat i did not seem that upset). Ugh! So today he says our talked helped and he is doing well - after a 14 hour date with his OW yesterday I guess he would be!

I caved and emailed back about how hard it is knowing someone else has his heart, how hard it will be to stay friends after he leaves and how i am torn between loyalty to him and moving on. I know, I know - I should not have sent it! He'll be home within an hour and who knows if he will say anything since he didn't email me back. I should not have sent it, I just caved and I almost felt I had been too reassuring when we talked last night and he was feeling a little too good about how smoothly this was going.

Who knows - I will post if he brings it up tonight.

Well I ended up hiding out in my room last night. We acknowledged each other when he came home and then I hid in my room with my computer and cds. Nice huh? I just wanted to pretend none of this was happening so I had a nice little night of denial and I'm sure he will ignore the email I sent. He'll have softball until late tonight so I won't have to hide :o)