Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Hmmm, Dilemma?

I am having a hard time with something now… I miss my H, I truly do. But he hasn’t attempted to contact me, and I worry that it may be way to soon yet. But missing him isn’t enough to want me to contact him on that alone...

I’ve been reading and reading, thinking and thinking, sorting and well you get the idea. I’m open to sending an olive branch, but not if it’s not going to be received well and I just don’t know if it’s been enough time for H to have ‘licked his wounds’, so to say. I have no intention of walking back in to his life at this conjuncture, no. Not without some serious commitments (and a little head examining- as one of my friends would say. The Proctologist called. They found your H's head...).

But, I certainly don’t want to head into another attack coming at me from left field, saying how it’s my entire fault again. (Yeah, I got the message. Can you tell?) Plus, if he is receptive to the olive branch, I would like to begin steps (working slowly) to greater change for both of us, ie counseling perhaps, goal setting, or something, you get the idea. I do have to eventually get some more belongs from the house before I head off to visit my family in July. I also know that he has a camping trip planned right before I leave, which he’s going to need the truck, which I have, and I would like to swap cars anyway. I thought that this might be a good means to see how receptive he is at this time.

One of the problems I have is that he changed the locks on the house, so I just can’t go in and get my things while he’s at work. (Why he did that… past experience from his ex wife… nothing related to me, so you get the picture here... his pas tis influencing his present... thanks.)

The last time I asked for some specific items from the house, about one week after I left, he put all my requested items in a garbage bag, (mind you I had also requested my grandmother’s shoe box of slides) and placed it in the sun/heat at the side door and left the gate unlocked for me. That was a nice thing he did, instead of leaving it on the curb. I don’t want to send him a list of what I need, just for him to ignore it, and start stuffing all my clothes/belongs into garbage bags again. I don’t have the space for all that right now, and I just can’t stop the feeling that it’s going to get ugly for some reason. (Think positive, right? Good civil exchange and interlude. Positive reinforcement, be in zen state…. ummmm….)

So, how should I go about it? I don’t really want to call, and leave some shaky voice message. (This will be tough for me… I know when I get near the house, I’ll get all emotional… ugh, I’m sooo procrastinating on this.) So, I’m thinking email may be my best bet? But I don’t want to be all pissy sounding in my email either.

Should it just be sweet and simple? Or just list the stuff I want, like:
____

Husband,

I need these items from the house:

item
item
item

Thanks,
AnonJane
_____

Or should I actually try to say something nice?

I know it's a stupid question....

Well.. I think you answered your own question.. right here..

"I’m open to sending an olive branch, but not if it’s not going to be received well and I just don’t know if it’s been enough time for H to have ‘licked his wounds’, so to say. I have no intention of walking back in to his life at this conjuncture, no. Not without some serious commitments (and a little head examining- as one of my friends would say. The Proctologist called. They found your H's head...)."

From the way he responded last time.. I have to assume.. he will respond the same way.

I know you WA.. I think it may have been a smart thing to do. From his reaction.. and your description of it.. he is in "Protect Mode". He has been here before.. and everything that happened then.. is going to be twice as "rigid".

I personally.. just being a man.. hate notes.. email.. txt messages.. or anything non-personal when it comes to getting things done. I hope you understand what I am saying there.

The thing you are afraid of.. will likely bring about the best result. I you think you "could" be up for calling him.. I can help you with that.

You can send an olive branch by just keeping things light: the need to swap vehicles soon and need to pick up some items from the house.

However you wish to do that, voicemail, email, whatever YOU are most comfortable with. It doesnt need to be anything longer than to get the above points accross.

Hello, As you know, we need to swap vehicles soon and while at it, I need x x x x from the house. Call me back, thanks bye.


His reply will give you an idea of your possible reception.

But if you have not had any dialog with him in weeks, I would do my best to avoid any heavy/drama talk. Maybe a little lite chit-chat, friendly body language. We men expect drama from ladies. So just keep things simple, light and friendly.

Like you said to me in another thread...baby steps!

But honestly hon, if this guy isnt willing to address some of his issues, he isnt worth your time. Not that I am suggesting you enquire about that when you speak with him, that proabably backfires. Let him bring it up, and if he never does..well thats your clue.

I'm not one of those drama queens, and yes, I am quite familiar with them... after seeing the mess that his ex wife and xgf... I scratch my head.

I guess in many ways, I think that we are opposites, were on some levels, not all of course, but on some levels I have more calm and rational thinking, where I've seen him, literally fly off the handle at some of the stupidest simple things. I guess that's why I get so confused sometimes.

I don't plan on bringing up any relationship issues/stuff, only thought I should have some sort of contingency plan if he does bring it up. Does that make sense?

Baby steps... yes, that is right. (I told you it was a stupid question...)

Thank you to both of you, I was hoping to get a male's perspective on this... this is new territory for me. So, in that way, I guess I just need a little support, but I'll get through this.

Yeah, I can understand having a contingency plan. But its tough to plan for the various scenarios that you could get.

Just try to stick to your calm, friendly & rational guns.

If he seems like he wants to talk about stuff, react positively but perhaps hint that you are busy and would rather have proper time to talk. This perhaps would let him know you arent going to be difficult to deal with while giving you some time to prepare for that discussion.

Dont slam the door shut unless of course you want to. Maybe more like a 'wow, didnt really expect this from you. I wish I didnt have yadda, yadda, yadda to do today. Maybe we can talk soon?

Jane,

I agree your H is being very defensive and is obviously very angry......belongings in a bag left outside is a couple letters short of class (i'll let you guess which ones).

Even though you are not his ex wives, to him right now you are (whether it is justified or not). If he chooses to have an R talk I wouldn't have any plan other than to just listen, don't get defensive (even if you feel he is completely wrong) and try to see his perspective. If he wants to talk then he wants to be validated, even if it defies logic. You can always make a choice later on , that he is crazy or not worth it, but arguing or presenting your side will not bring you closer to him right now.

I hope it works out well, it sounds like you feel very frustrated and like you have been wrongly accused, which is probably the case.

As far as extending an olive branch, I would use which ever medium he has responded to the best in the past and chose the right time and place. Do you feel that your H has any major complaints that he has voiced?

TwinDad-

Yes, I understand his POV, perfectly. But it's always about him, and never any acknowledgment of my POV, ever. So, I just clam up, what's the point?

See, I've been where he's at. I had a mountain to climb once before, and hated all men, and passed on my anguish I had from my past experiences with my stepfather, and my ex fiance. I understand where it comes from. Yes, I do. It took a lot of maturity on my part to figure it out. But, I don't believe that my H understands it.

There was a time when he used to 'stop and think' before he spoke. There was a time when he used to know that he was angry and why. But I think it's consumed him now. Now, his complaints are... It's my fault, I am to blame, I am a bad wife, I am a bad mother, I am a horrible person. etc. It's total defense, I understand it. Somewhere along the line, he feels insecure, worthless, and even maybe vulnerable. But at the same time, he pushes me away, and I leave him be.

It's very hard to listen to these things, when all you want to do is grab them and hug them. He won't let me get close to him either. He's very defensive about anything. I try very very very hard to not be accusative, so most of the time, I don't talk about things, unless he brings it up, but lately he's been bringing things up, then before I know it, he's yelling at me, at I feel blindsided. Things have just gotten way out of control, so I bolted before it got worse.

I know where I went wrong, I feel horribly guilty for that. I'm procrastinating about contacting him, because, I am anticipating it being another bitch session. And yes, you're right, I should just sit there and listen, but that just seems to promote his 'bad behavior', like condoning it. I know that he feels totally alone, but the problem is... he's not.

Someone once told me I should try to ask him questions such as...

'How would you like me to feel?' 'Was that suppose to hurt my feelings?' etc, When he says mean things. It's supposedly, suppose to point out his behavior to him, but I just think he'll just use it as an excuse, and respond with... 'However you want to feel.' passing the buck. I totally understand that you can't argue a person's feelings away, just like he can't expect me to not feel hurt by what he says, because he is hurt from his past. So, how do you go about it? A person can only take so much before they start to feel it... and I've hit my limit, I'm afraid.

If I can just break his outer wall, I could totally 'fix this'... but I guess we're all in that boat one way or another, huh?

Jane,

I know what you are saying. I thought I could fix my W or at least our R. Everything seemed so clear to me, but yet I couldn't get her to see my POV. I probably still can't. You are right it is extremely frustrating. I don't remember the exact circumstances leading up to your current sitch, but is it possible that he is having a MLC? I spend a good deal of time reading and posting over there (though my main one is in sep) and this sounds very similar. It wasn't until I started reading some of the threads over there that it started to click for me. It also helped me feel a little better. I don't know if you have checked out some of the reference links but that at least might shed some light on some portion of your sitch.

You are in my thoughts and I appologize if I have come off aggressive, it wasn't my intention and I have a lot of compassion for the pain you are feeling.

MLC... hmmm... I don't really think so. Could be possible, I suppose? I don't know. I guess I'll have to 'read up' on this.

I don't think you're aggressive... trust me. I can be aggressive! LOL! I think you have given me some sound advice, all of you, thus far. It really helps me to get a male's perspective.

I picked up a new book today, "Stop Blaming, Start Loving!" It is very much like the DB and DR book (I have DR on my wait list at the library.) I recommend it for anyone in similar situation as me.

And of course, I know you can't fix anyone that's not willing to fix themselves... catch22.