Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Still in love with my waw....after divorce

Well, Bill..one thing I also learned after many months of trying to figure this out..

This started well before the A, and well before I was even in the picture...I know this for a fact, as well as my issues were well before her.

Now, the ironic part is...I have made the changes for me, and while she notices them and said to me I have become the man she always wanted...SHE cant bring herself to be with me anymore..

So, I cant force myself on her...thats the bad part..the free will...NOW, what you can do, is something you have done but add to it.

If you have God in your life, you can pray for God to open your ex's eyes...but only she can accept his invitation. And, regardless of if she comes back or not, you should at least pray for your future and be happy for what you have, not for what you have lost.

My biggest problem was I couldnt accept the fact that letting go to God would produce that many results before...I knew He answered prayers, but couldnt understand why I still felt the way I did. Until I realized I can only control my emotions and such, no one else...then I can focus on me and GAL.

My STBXW on the other hand, never dealt with her issues, and justifies everything she does..it seems, with OM, she has gotten nothing more than a band-aid for the wound...but all band-aids fall off in time..


God Bless

Chevelle

Chevelle....right as always

She had her issues LONG before me. She just repeated the same pattern with me. Now shes latched onto another guy(whos coming to my house to be with her tomorrow) to feel better. Hes younger than her just like I was.She was a Christian when we met and I looked up to her as a good example. Now she told me she respects ME and thinks Ill be the one to turn her around!! OHHHH...no pressure there!

I pray for her relationship with this guy."If this is what you want for her help them through their problems. If not, then open her eyes and help her to do the right thing..." or variations. I guess you can tell how far along you are in the forgiving/moving on front by being able to pray that and mean it....or close at least. Im learning to be happy where I am but the loneliness gets me at times and when that doesnt its the resentment.

Ive dealt with most of issues. I can tell because for the last week (off of bp med) my blood pressure dropped from a high late last year of 180/100 to 130/90. All because I was stressed to the breaking point for at least 5 years. Something to be thankful for!!!!

Im still learning to let go but since I started praying for her R with the OM I feel TONS better. Its amazing. I still try to take it back at times. But I just try to do a little better every day and show her what she lost...not that she sees or cares. But at least I know I learned from my mistakes.I dont know about her though.

Thanks again guys,
Bill

Oh and Chevelle..read most of your thread (forget which..earliest?) and it still amazes me how similar this stuff is. Do they share a playbook??

I feel the same way. Its hard to not want to be in the WAWs lives, especially when you still care and want them back.

I feel now, that this was a blessing in disguise for me. I always hold love for her..but I would not have made the neccessary changes in me that I needed and God wanted to show me to make. I also feel that this would have ended in some way shape or form later on anyway in the state I was in, anyways

I look back on myself now, and think.."I cant believe that was me!" I really have undergone a massive overhaul that can only be explained by God's grace. I, too, have wished nothing but the best for her, and I admit, I have my moments or disarray and loneliness about the M. How things could have been...

I too, wanted her to crash..to see its not so easy. But that would be wrong. I hope it works for her and OM. We were perfect for each other at the time...now, we are not...so I accept that, even if at times I disagree with it. Its easier to bail on a M than to work through it.

Its funny you mention the similiarities with you and OM. Her new BF looks just like me, and treats her the same when we were together! So much for finding herself..Thats why I worry about her repeating too. I have always had a gut feeling she will, at some point, come back to me...just a matter of if I want her back.

Some bridges can't be burned anymore.

But the past is in the past. So, what did I learn? How to be a better Christian, father, friend, and person. I cant even say I would take her back...but as someone posted here before..

The door will always be open...its just a matter if I answer when she knocks.


God Bless

Chevelle

You two are very insightful. Although I did not have kids, I feel very similar. My W has had absolutely no contact yet she lives around me. I actaully saw her the other day at a store. It was the hardest thing and it set me back about 10 steps of recovery. I too want her to "crash" and realize how good we had it. I realize too that I wasn't the perfect H, I had my faults. Yet I wish she would see me now. She would see the kind man of God that I've become again. Instead, I know she is living a wrong life. Using RO to cover up a multitude of sins. So do I just give up? Most say I should but I just don't know how to... Not that I can't live without her, its just that I dedicated my life to her. I made a promise before God. Things were great with her overall before she became crazy after our move.

My counselor has suggested that she might have an attachment disorder. That explains some things but it also makes me frustrated that we couldn't work through these issues. In short (as wierd as this sounds), I would give anything to get her back. But only the her that loves me, not this current woman that seemingly has no heart. Sometimes I just wonder if it was ever really there...

Hi Chevelle,



Ive felt the same. So many chains have fallen over the last 5 years! Im not even close to the man she married. Im 10 times better. I dont want her to crash anymore. I feel sorry for her. I see the way she repeats her behavior. She doesnt. I saw her fall away into drinking, sex and lies. She justified it. She blamed me when she "turned off" and stopped loving me. I didnt touch her enough, say "I love you" enough, leave her little notes lying around......basically....be more like her dad. Thats an example most men cant meet. She said this new guy (she just left to go for a bike ride with him. Im in the basement "cleaning") has a personality just like her dad. ???? Hes a recovering alcoholic, took a woman from her kids for entire weekends, cheated on her, lied, dumped her for another woman and crawled back and she took him back, only to find out last week he was bashing her to people, AND texting dirty messages to his ex AFTER she took him back......
So much like her father, right! As for all the men in her life, Im the closest shes ever come. Maybe not the outgoing type always smiling but when it came to unconditional love, I was. Who would stand by a woman for 5 years even after affairs and being cruel to him? I was always there for her. Always ready to listen and forgive. It was tough. Thought thats what "for better or worse" meant. She said she kept her vows until she turned off. So what about me. I still pray the last "thread" will be cut so it wont hurt anymore.....still waiting. Her first ex is trying to buddy up to me and tell me her "secrets". Probably lying but if not....

Oh well....venting over. Will I take her back? Probably not. It would take a major miracle in my heart now. Do I love her? Always and forever. Do I want her to suffer? No. I would like her someday to see what she lost and cry over it. Probably will never see that but it would be nice.

In a nutshell, Im trying to just be better than the day before. A better man, dad, Christian and ex-husband. Trying to see her as God does....tough. Treat her with respect and compassion without being walked on....even tougher. But thats what we do. We pick ourselves up, brush it off, pray on it and keep going....very tough.

Just found her work I.D. from where we met and the first Christmas card (I think) I gave her in a box. Along with journal pages I shouldnt have read. Hurt bad. I cried, prayed and got back to work. Now Im getting cleaned up and taking my son and her kids out to eat. I hope shes having a nice ride with her BF....its a beautiful day.

Bill

Still waiting...and I know what I want,now!


And it does tick me off she found someone so fast. Supposedly 4 months after asking for D but I dont buy it. And here I sit, alone, wondering why.

Someday.

oh...try looking up cognitive dissonance on wikipedia. Its my ex. Very interesting...

You never know, why..I think..until the next level is reached.

But, what is the next level? Lets see if I can explain it and you can send the hate mail or whatever..lol.

I find it a liitle strange now, but several months ago, I would have done anything to have my W back. I also remember being blind thinking her "actions" were fine as long as she found who she was. Now, looking back, I cant imagine possibly entertaining that idea without a lot of talking and time.

But, time DOES heal you if you let it. Time also allows you to expand your perspectives on what you were like then, to now..(provided you went through your reinvention of yourself)..and realized, this woman has lost it badly..

Sorry, that might sound mean...we all have a different definition of normal, but what my W has done over the past 2 years was not her. But it took me to almost completely detach from her lovingly of course, to see this.

I guess love is blind...maybe a little irrational or misplaced at times too.

Now, I am happy for her that she is happy, even if it is with OM..better than what she was doing. Jesus said..

Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

So I realized once I let go and became happy, and happy for her...like u Bill..I reached a new level. One that helped me move on and GAL even more. Now do I still feel like a broken-hearted schoolboy sometimes? Absolutely. But I know I also get better each and every day.

Sometimes I feel I am only upset because I lost the security of someone to call, come home to, sleep in bed with, raise my kids with, go places with...the familiarity. But that sounds superficial and selfish to me at times..because I can get those same things without being married or even being in a R.

As far as the waiting...like I said before..If you wait and be faithful in God's timetable...the reward will be well worth it..that He guarantees. But, what will be the reward...having to wait for your ex to come back, or just becoming a newer and better version of you, and maybe finding a new R with someone that you wont make the same mistakes with?

That is the choice you are faced with....and thats when you let God really take over..He will show you that patience is a virtue.

God Bless

Chevelle

Very wise....
Ive been thinking along the same lines...but it still hurts. Ill be happy when that final thread is cut.

Ive had the perspective shift and realized how I was. I showed her love...just not "her way" and when she tried to explain I couldnt understand. Maybe my past hurts were in the way, Stubborn .... probably but I LOVED her. This process was over 5+ years. Looking back I cant believe how blind I was. Its like looking in a book, skimming the chapters and saying "oh my...its so clear now!!" I can look back and see how she was then and now (and me too)and understand why this happened. I can even see when it was too late to fix it. And it hurts....big time. But thats the curse of hindsight. Too little(much) to late.It took detachment to see it too.

I think that my problem is losing half of me...someone like you said...to be there when I come home. But thats what makes the little things shes said over the years hurt and made me hold onto her more.

We once talked just after we got the papers. I started to talk about our past and stopped. She wanted me to continue and I said it didnt matter since we were only moments away from divorce. She said "we should get that stuff out now while we are getting along so it doesnt come up later if things change." Why??? Thinking things may change or like she said "you misunderstand everything I say. I didnt mean that (or other things) to give you hope."

kinda hard not to take it that way....So I hung on to emptiness.
Ill wait....and pray.....and wait....attend my churchs divorce support group...and pray...and wait...be a dad...and wait some more.

If someone is brought into my life great...if not then theres a reason for it. I wont chase and fill the hole like she did. I wont out up with garbage because Im lonely...

Something worth mentioning before I hang it up for the night..

Today at work as I thought about her plans to bring HIM over to the house, I started to get that knot in my heart. Then something happened. I felt a "shift"..a detachment and peace, that I wish was constant,hit me. It was GREAT! Like a section of a cliff face just gave way and fell. I wonder if thats what it will be like...not caring who shes with or what shes doing..I hope so.

take care,
Bill

Yep..thats how you will feel..the hardest for me is when I have to see her..when I dont..I feel better, but it doesnt linger like it used to.

My STBXW is too stubborn and bullheaded to admit when she is wrong, so I dont see anything being said when the papers are signed, nor do I expect any regret in her eyes for doing it.

Thats okay..I think along the lines, like you bill..if I am meant to have someone else...I will feel that connection in another woman..if not, theres a reason..

God Bless

Chevelle

Guys, what do you do if you still feel like you can't live without her? I mean I know I can but I just dont feel like I have much joy outside of my marriage. I didn't want my marriage to end. I wasn't that frustrated with it. Instead, this breakup blindsided me. I knew we had problems but we seemed like a committed couple. Love was there. Yet in our argument, she said that "shes hated me since we got married". Months have gone by with no contact. Could that have been true? Was I duped? I gave her so much. I was there for her. I kissed her forehead every morning before work. I made mistakes but I was a gentlemen to her most of the time. I was faithful. I don't know, I just feel really depressed. I'm not a depressed guy normally either. I do have alot going for me but I miss her. She was who God gave me as a partner. We dorked it up throughout the course of the marriage but I would've never given up. Here I stand days away from an official divorce and I wish so bad I could tear it up. But there is no one on the other end to go back to. She is lost in a world of partying, bisexuality and lies.