Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy in limbo and an emotional mess...

karen, I think dysfunctional to describe the OW out there is probably an understatement, I just can't figure out what is so appealing about someone who has nothing. H's problem with OW is he doesn't see the lies or games she is playing, not like I do, its much easier to blame her ex for the mess she's in that he was too controlling of her, etc. I have a different take on that but won't even go there with H cause she has totally turned H away from her ex who was his best friend for at least 20 years. She calls his cell phone I can't tell you how many times a day, and texts as well. I wish I had the time to GAL,, maybe someday, but with work and the kids the time just isn't there. H needs to get her out of his place or nothing will change. I just don't think H will "throw" her out..

Puppydog-

Thank you for stopping by, and for your support. I'm glad to hear that things are on the mend for you and your W. I can only hope for the same. I hope things keep getting only better for you,, a year already, thats great. I am thinking about the anti-depressants I just try not to have to go that route unless I truly have to. Although at this point anything would probably help. Thank you again and keep the faith,, i'm glad its going well for you

SueS-
I'm sorry you keep having to come back here,,going through this once is hard enough let alone several times as you have. it doesn't seem fair that those of us who want to make things work keep getting the short end of the stick,, but all we can do is try, at least we can never say WE didn't do everything we could. Everyone here is very supportive and it has been a big help just to have someplace to go to vent and discuss everything. Well my day yesterday needless to say did not go as planned,, what else is new there, I had to leave work a few hours early to see my grandmother in the hospital as she is not doing well... while I was there H called and left me a message on my cell OW starting trouble like she always does when she knows he is going to see me or the boys, she will pick a fight with her ex, who calls me occasionally to update me on what he may know, etc. so she picks a fight with her ex, to put ideas in H's head and make his question me,, why am I talking to him etc,, H actually told me I am not allowed to talk to him,, but I diffused that situation. Then my older son called me and told me to stop at a local park to pick him up on my way home,, (mind you he should not have been there) but went there to meet his "girlfriend", they got in trouble for being on water company property so I had to go pick him up from security, I won't discuss what they got in trouble for doing as I am just disgusted. But son wanted me there and specifically told me not to call his father. I agreed that I wouldn't call him but told him that in turn HE would have to tell his father about it when he showed up for dinner. As you can tell my whole dinner thing is not off to a good start. H showed up about an hour or so late, and I had our son hit him with what he did right off the bat,,, that of course tied up about 2 hrs. which is the longest H has ever spent talking to our son without screaming. After that i was basically interrogated on questions about OW's ex and was told if he called the house again H would have him arrested. This led me to again say "see" these are some of the games she is playing,, and he came to her defense and said her ex is the problem, she has no reason to lie,, again,, doesn't see it. In any case we talked a while and I basically told him i'm just tired of everything, he again said "he told me he was coming home" etc. but I just left it at that, was a tiring afternoon and night, so he left around 10:45 and I just went to bed because I had to have my 12 y/o at school by 5:30 this morning for a field trip. As far as boundaries, i'm slowly getting there, but I have to pick and choose my words and battles so I toss things out here and there,,but again told him last nite I just can't keep doing it, i'm tired, and I know he sees that,, he told me he is tired too... then end it,,??? I don't get it, I just fear if he comes home she will not be out of the picture,,

Hi Sugar- yes the weight loss is actually ok with me,, been trying to do that for years,,, just not a healthy way to do it, the sleeping is a big issue for me,, yesterday with everything going on I actually was very lightheaded in the afternoon, probably due to lack of sleep and not really eating. But yes the exhaustion takes alot out of you. I'm tempted to just let H do whatever as well,,,I have so many people telling me to stop putting myself through this, that I deserve to be treated better than this,,my neighbor tells me to stop letting him beat me up emotionally like this,, he tells me i'm an awesome mom and any guy would die to have someone like me,, course i'm like yeh right,,nice to hear but still can't just let go. LOL the Troll,, good nickname, but yes the OW in your sitch sounds alot alike,, she gets mad if I call, or text, etc. She too was mad that he spend mothers day with me and the boys (like she had any tie to him on that day) She is crazy, and I do think he will get tired of her, it is just so hard to get out of the situation. You almost feel like by doing that your giving up,, I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you and that you don't have to walk away,, what is your H asking of you? Is he still home? or living with her,,and how are you dealing with the OW being pregnant?. I give you a lot of credit for even trying with that going on. I told H if that happens I will be done... our kids know pretty much everything.. especially the older one,,,we'll see what happens this weekend... the boys have 3 baseball games and a family birthday party to go to so that'll be my weekend,, see if he shows up for anything or not.. gonna be sunny and 95 here all weekend so at the least i'll sit and watch the boys play and work on my tan just get some fresh air
I hope you have a good day, and thanks

mzul-

Yeah, it's a bummer that I've been on here a few different times, but I keep coming back because of the amazing people this board brings to it.

I understand how you feel about your H defending OW or his getting angry at her XH calling you. Mine is the same way. OW's H in my case calls me from time to time. I'd never told H about it, but apparently OW tells him because a few times I've gotten the.......I know you've talked! comment. SO WHAT! We talked....we didn't have SEX! Last week my H & I were talking and I told him how upset I was to find out through OW's H that my H was moving out soon. Not upset about the moving because I know it's coming. Upset about not finding out through my H. My H threw a fit. He called OW's H every name in the book. He told me that I need to tell him never to call me again and that he wouldn't wish OW's H on his worst enemy. It just AMAZED me. OW's H is just a guy (who admits his mistakes) who is fighting to keep his family together. My H is the one sleeping with his wife and pulling two families apart, yet OW's H is the bad guy? Makes NO sense. My H has defended OW too. My H feels like he's rescuing OW from a man/marriage that's just a mess and that she needs to get out of. It seems like my H in some twisted way realizes the mess he's made of our marriage and if he can just walk away from ours and start a new/clean relationship with someone else that needs to be rescused, life will be grand! He's rescuing her from exactly what he's done to me all these years. Life hasn't always been bad for me. We've had a lot of very good times....and I suspect that OW & her H have had the same. She's just very messed up now.

I'm sorry for stealing your thread to give a very long explanation of why I understand what you're feeling and to say....I get it!

Take care of you and those kids. Put you first for a change, okay.

Hugs - Sue

Sue and Mzul isn't it funny that they think this new R will be so great when its based on lies and deception? How can you have a new/clean R when you have to hurt and deceive SO many people to get it? My H says he wants to do the "right thing" by her and as a human being I can understand this, but as his wife...I'm having a really hard time with this sense of duty and obligation, only where she is concerned.

My H is asking for approx. 6 more months to "get OW through this." The details of that are the gray area. I'm not sure what that means as H does not possess a uterus (to my knowledge.) He is living with his mother and OW lives with her D12 and her parents and 2 sisters and their kids and their kids kids....how cozy. We agreed that he could have until July 2 to work on his issues (gambling and OW) and that was fine until now. Now its pretty much I want more time and I feel like I would be a fool to put my stamp of approval on my H continuing to cake-eat. Sorry for the hi-jack. Just wanted answer your question. How am I dealing with her being pregnant? I really don't know. I know that OW is a symptom of a bigger issue and this just complicates it, but the saddest part is that neither one of them REALLY want this baby. I truly believe that she deliberately got pregnant either to keep him or because of the money...shes addicted to gambling too. I'm just tired of thinking about this and its probably time to just let him go and fix the mess hes made of our lives. I really want him to get better so he can be a better dad to my kids and because we have been together for 20 years and I'll always care about him, hes just so confused...it really is sad. ((((mzul)))) hang in there.

Not to TJ but I heard the same thing Sue. When I confronted my WW about still talking to OM after she claimed the affair was over she said to me "why do I have to stop talking to him if you're talking to OMW"? I replied "because I'm not sleeping with her!" Didn't really change WW much and didn't help the situation, but it made me feel better.

I also understand what you're going through.

I have a male friend that I talk to and H is very jealous of this R even though he knows my friend is gay, but my friend made the best point the other day. My H has ALWAYS said that he and OW are more "Friends" than anything and Matt said, "We enjoy watching scary movies together and talking on the phone, but your not pregnant about it!" I just found it funny and it was so true... Just because they are doing something shady doesn't mean that everyone else is and because you are talking to OMW/OWH it doesn't condone what they are doing. That is so childish and Jr. High.

Isn't it amazing we all have such a similar situation as far as them being upset or demanding when it comes to us talking to their OW / OM's exs...that is exactly it,, we are not the ones tearing apart 2 families,, our H's and the OW are, so it gets twisted and they try to find a fault with us to ease their "guilt" or blame everyone but themselves. we are supposed to sit and sulk (which we do) and they are out sowing their oats and playing their game, I ask myself sometimes why? and only come up with if I have no one to talk to who is tied to the situation then we can't find things out we normally wouldn't have, and they probably don't want us to "hook up" with someone else (yeh thats why we're fighting for our marriages) OW was feeding H, that her ex was gonna try to get with me as "payback",, well I don't play that game and H knows it,,, just another way the OW will make H fight with her ex to make him look like the bad guy in H's eyes. Thus she gets more sympathy from H - Sugar as far as their sense of duty and obligation to the OW, it makes me sick, if they were as obligated to our marriages then we wouldnt have these issues now would we,,, but that don't realize that..at least your H put some kind of a time frame in there Sugar, mine just says he's "planning" on coming home,, well when,, that will be my next question...and in the mean time she lives with you, sleeps with you (and he denies that but I know otherwise), and is playing "house" all for free... but the 20 years we've had kind of get swept under the rug because she is around. No reason for anyone to apologize about the thread,,, we all have the same thing going on, and thats what we're all here for,, you all are great... thank you

The only problem with that time frame is that we origionally agreed on July 2 and now he wants 6 more months... Whos to say that in 6 months he won't want some more time? Its just too much. I've been hearing "I'm coming home" since February...with no results. I hope and pray your sitch is different.

(((mzul)))