Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED!

Tonights out unless it's on the phone. He works for the next 5 days. 4pm to 2am. Good thing it's the weekend I guess that gives me daytime. I am dropping the kids off at his parents tomorrow afternoon while I go to a baby shower. I don't expect h to be awake at all during that time.
How would I approach him? Can I talk to you? I know he'd say, "no. There's nothing more to say."
I just don't think he's ready to talk about this. He's mad.

I also know he isn't one to be alone, and likely he's got someone in the back. This whole thing is killing me.

Preliminary email:

Please make any suggestions....and an ending. I particulary don't like the last paragraph...


H,
I know you don’t want to talk right now, and I don’t blame you. I do have to say something though. When I said that nothing was going to change, and that we don’t have a chance I was frustrated. I didn’t mean those words, and I want to apologize. I know the many things I need to change, and have been working on them with my therapist. Change is hard, and is coming slower than I thought it would, but it is coming along and that’s why I’m still going. My mouth however gets me in more trouble when I talk to you. No excuses, just a sincere apology.

When I invited you over the other night, it wasn’t strictly sex that I wanted (although certainly a good excuse). I wanted to connect with you. I wanted to see you. My family means more to me than anything in this world, and you and the kids are my number one priority.

Again, I understand your frustration with me. As I said, changes are taking a long time, but no matter what I’m committed to seeing it through. I’d love the chance to talk to you about the steps I’m making in myself. And I would jump at the chance to go to marriage counseling together. I’m open to any suggestions or exercises to improve our relationship and put things on the mend.

Yes, the last paragraph gets too enthusiastic. It becomes pursuing. It would be better to say something along the lines of "I'm open to the idea of marriage counseling. I think we could improve our relationship if we worked together at it." That says that you are willing if he is willing, but you are not chasing him into it.

Another avenue you should look at is a Retrouvaille weekend. There is a lot of information on their website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org. They teach a method of healing a marriage through effective communication. It is all done by the couples themselves without a counselor. It is amazing the progress that can be made in only 2 days at one of their weekends. That is reinforced by 6 post sessions, often on Sunday afternooons. Of course, you can supplement it with counseling. Retrouvaille turned my marriage around. It is now 1 1/2 years later and we no longer have arguments. It is amazing how easy it is to get along when you have a method for dealing with problems.

Ms B,
You need to see the swimming lessons day for what it was: a HUGE improvement. You worked together on errands, he even invited you to lunch. Swimsuit suggestion as well, at each point he's watching your reaction. Don't react to the "D" word either. Divorce takes a long, long time, and he hasn't even filed yet. Don't even worry about it. This isn't the end of the world that it feels like. Trust me. You have a lot of time to work on yourself. If your husband really wanted a divorce, he wouldn't be acting like this. Just remember that we call our spouses "Aliens" around here and they do a lot of crazy things. A lot of it is because they've been hurt IMO.

I know it's easier to see from the outside, but your sitch has a lot of hope. You're still having a lot of great contact. And quit feeling guilty about having great sex. (Just avoid the R talk next time)

The feelings still seem to be there, this is all very good.

I think the e-mail is good, but I would leave out the last paragraph and make it lighter, something like:

When I invited you over the other night, it wasn’t strictly sex that I wanted (although certainly a good excuse). I wanted to connect with you. I wanted to see you.

And I really enjoyed it, thanks.


It sounds like your changes are working already, keep it up! And don't worry about him changing. That will come. I like how Michelle puts it:

Why Should I Change?

Ms. Ladybug,

I was so sad to see the title of your new thread, but I'm very impressed with how you handled things this afternoon at swimming. I'm pulling for you! Please don't let your hard head get in your way. ;-)

Hey Ladybug,

Great work today, pat yourself onthe back. You even got invited to lunch!

I thought the e-mail was pretty good with the suggested changes.

I wouldn't approach him with "can we talk" that puts everyone on guard. I would start with

"Hey, H, I just want to apologize for what I said the other night then simply state what you put in your e-mail"

Basically don't put him on guard and don't give him a chance to say no. You will probably surprise him with your candor and willingness to accept your part.

As far as method goes. Yo uknow him better than anyone. Does he respond better to a written letter, a heart to heart talk in person, a phone call, etc. Which ever one it is, pick the time he is typically the most receptive and in the best mood and do it!

Best wishes!!!! Hope your weekend continues to improve!

yes, i'm back

i'm going to be "solution oriented", and to the point for you.




THIS, is time for the real "as if" work. This is where you are supposed to apply the "act as if" mantra.
I think you need to "act as if", he will be willing to listen. Not talk yourself out of things, by assuming a negative reaction from him.

As far as a specific "intro"... just tell him, "There is something I would like to tell you. Would you please listen for one minute?"

If you can bring yourself to say that quietly to him, i guarantee he will listen.
It's not like he's refusing to talk to you.


Or the "I'd like to apologise" way that TwinDad suggested. he had some good suggestions there.


yes, he is angry. but also very, very sad. you said he was pretty much in tears yesterday.
You need to talk to him before the tears dry up, and all thats left is the anger. it will be a LOONG battle against that, if you let it turn into cold dry anger against you.


As far as the email goes... I think it was a good email. But I think it did not quite go far enough.

He's walking away from you, because he does not believe you will try what the counsellor said. you kindasorta said you would, but you left yourself a loophole, in the way you worded it.
You didnt include explicitly,
"I [....] will try [...] what the marriage counsellor suggests"

If you put it in writing, he's gonna be looking at it with an extra critical eye. You NOT explicitly saying that, will stand out.

Your last sentence half-way hinted at it, but you didnt say "suggestions from the MC", and you only said "open to suggestions", not "I WILL TRY the suggestions".

you didnt commit.
he's looking for a commitment from you. nothing less.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll have to reword a bit of it.
As far as sending it...I think it needs to be done soon. I don't see us even having the chance to talk for the next five days, and yet I think he needs to hear this from me.

I think I'll send it tonight (I'll be up for another half hour if anyone needs to talk me out of it). Reason being, I don't think I'll see him this weekend, and I don't think he's ready to talk to me.

My thinking is that I send out the email, he'll likely read it tonight when he gets home, or tomorrow before work, and have time to think about it some. So that THAT is the last thing he hears from me.

Maybe??

Hi Ladybug,

I'm here, but I'm not going to stop you. I think communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Cut that off, and you have nothing. I know writing a letter feels like taking a risk. You open yourself up, and he could reject you. But the truth is you'd be no worse off than you are right now if he does that. And there's a chance that he would have a good reaction and things will improve. If you do nothing, nothing will change. So you aren't risking anything by doing it. The risk is in not doing it, and letting everything stay the way it is.

Ok. Letter revised and sent. Before hitting the send button I said I prayer. I prayed angels over the letter. I prayed for an open mind and loving heart as he reads it.

Thanks, Sara. I feel better about taking that risk tonight. We'll see if I get a response...but your right, I'll be no worse off than I already am.