Gosh, I feel so back and forth right now. Just when I figure I have a strategy, I wind up tossing it out. That makes sense, though, because sometimes my "strategies" were what hurt us. The "supposed to's" SD wrote about. My husband called them "shoulds." Thank God for all of you and this site. My husband took Friday off and when I came home the house was practically spotless. He and the kids had done so much work. He took our girls shopping and bought them fashion template craft sets that were way marked down. He made sure I knew how much he paid because he knows how I always try to get things on sale. He and I went out to dinner Friday night with our friends, then he went for drinks at a neighbor's with me yesterday. When we got home, we talked for a while and asked me what home project I thought we should work on first. He already had a list of ideas. Of course, I showered him with praise for all of these things.
I may not have the whole prize, yet, but I have to keep reminding myself that he really isn't acting anything like the man I had before who did little more than sit around, read, watch TV and sleep with very little conversation and in a grouchy mood. Crammed into the past week was a trip to the movies and dinner with my girlfriends, workouts for me and alone time at his place for him. All things I wouldn't do or give him time to do before. I do have GAL on my mind and I'm so glad. I just suggested a girl weekend to my friends after we saw Sex and the City. He is certainly not opposed to counseling - we went through it but he was so focused on OW, it was of no value. Now, I'm convinced he would be focused on us and repair. He might consider Retrouvaille and I'll discuss with him. I accidentally left this site up on the computer yesterday and he mentioned that he saw it and wondered what was on here. I told him about the great advice I've gotten here and told him about what Saffie wrote - being 100% open and honest, eggshells, etc. And how important it is for us to have total open communication. Just before I went to bed and he started to leave for his place I told him he was always welcome to stay here overnight if he wished. He said he'd rather do it all at once (meaning move home) and then, "Don't worry, we're gonna make it." I really do believe that. I think I do just need a little more patience. This probably won't look like it does in the strategies I create in my head. So what, right? As long as we are working and trying and taking one day at a time, I think I can be okay with that.
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
One thing to add to the already good advice on this thread. I have been through piecing and it takes a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. it takes far, far longer than the DB stage and far longer than you think it will.
My H came home. The fireworks didn't go off, the violins didn't play, he didn't take me into his arms and tell me he loves me.
Instead I got a long, long slog of making things better. Some weeks things moved forward, some weeks they slid back. Most of the time things just stayed the same. Things gradully gor better, but by the steps of a tiny baby.
It was very stressful as well for both of us. I full recommend keeping up the GAL, getting away from the house and from H at times. You will need it for you.
Good luck and remember this is a slow, steady race - you may feel you want to sprint to the finish line but now is the time to slow the pace even more. Believe me, it will be worth it!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Just before I went to bed and he started to leave for his place I told him he was always welcome to stay here overnight if he wished. He said he'd rather do it all at once (meaning move home) and then, "Don't worry, we're gonna make it." I really do believe that. I think I do just need a little more patience. This probably won't look like it does in the strategies I create in my head. So what, right? As long as we are working and trying and taking one day at a time, I think I can be okay with that.
And I would like to add that patience is something that takes TIME...along with that you really NEED to keep working on you because sometimes what your mate is looking for is long lasting change not just temperorary change to get them to come home...
So keep GAL...giving time and space...working on you (controling and balancing your "strategies")...and working on patience...because then he will know (and so will you) that you really are gonna make it!
I have a hang up about the eggshells thing. I have atendency to get things fixed in my mind and project my feelings of insecurity surrounding them on my H....and then I find I am walking on eggshells. That's why we have an open and honest strategy. It's amazing how much one can ASSUME the other person is feeling and how WRONG that can be.....that's why we went for open and honest. It is done in a pleasant, non-accusarory way.
I agree with Jen that this stage takes a long time....in fact I would go as far as to say it is 'the way to be'. We have found that this is the way our M works best. We do slip back and then we have to pull ourselves up and start working on things again.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sara - thanks for the suggestion of Retrouvaille. I spoke with him about it and I think he will go - it's a matter of timing. His sis is coming to visit up the same weekend of the next session and there isn't another until September! SD - it's hard not to be judgmental when it feels like we're stepping backwards sometimes. I really do realize how much he's doing and how far we've come. But there are those moments when I think he just wants to walk right back into my life and pick up where we left off as if nothing changed. I sometimes want to scream: When is it my turn? I believe it will come - it's just tough and I know I do things that make him wonder whether it makes sense for him to return. His choices are also difficult. For a while, he had a good friend but the guy moved to Costa Rica. His only interests are self-focused like books, computers, painting - none that offer him the escape of getting out of the house. I still do this - but he doesn't. It really isn't healthy but what do I do?
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
That is wonderful that he is willing to go. September will come, but if his sis could change her weekend, you could get so much accomplished much sooner. The important part about waiting is to maintain being nice to each other. It is easy for all of us to let our bad sides show. The most important thing for us getting back together was to be polite, saying thank you and noticing the little things the other might do. Not being critical. Coomplimenting the good, turning a blind eye to the not so good. Where we used to come and go without acknowledging each other, now we kiss hello and goodbye. These are little things, but they make a big difference.
