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"When I bring up this fear, she behaves as if its just wishful thinking on my behalf."

That's a simple defense mechanism. You got to close to "her inner issue". She's reflecting, diversion tactic so she won't get hurt. It's a sort of response you would give when you want to convince someone of the contrary, but you really are trying to convince yourself.

I also gather that, and this is based that most woman who are natural talkers, she's gravitated to individuals that she's seeking as sounding boards, they are reverberating what she wants to hear. In that aspect, she's getting fed feedback based on only her perspective, and it supports her 'theory' of what should happen. Does that make sense? She's in full force defense mood to convince herself that change can never happen. So, you're only recourse is to physically prove it otherwise. When you call her on things, she'll get scared, and defensive.

Has she done any self evaluating that you can tell? Books laying around? You won't want to push her into it, that's for sure. Believe me, that's fatal.

Yes, that makes total sense to me. She has said more than once she wants to see changes in me, but she feels she wants so many changes; an overhaul...that she doesnt feel she has the right to ask me to do that.

Thing is, I wanted the changes too. Not only for her, but for myself, for my son.

I am so happy with how I have grown, like I said the whole thing is bittersweet. I am ready to move forward in life with new found confidence. A sense of inner calm I never had before without the aid of substance abuse.

But, while she is still in this house, I much prefer to salvage this relationship - because if anyone deserves to benefit from my changes - its her!



Oh she has...absolutely dived into her spiritual development with full gusto, and the improvements she has made for herself is nothing short of remarkable. I am so proud of her!

Have you ever told her that? That you're proud of her then a kiss on the cheek. Just that simple?

Ya know, I am not sure. I mean, I have mentioned how I see positive changes in her. Not sure if it resonated in her or not.

Honestly, since no one is perfect to begin with, the changes she has made have made her far more appealing to me than she already was. She used to be very anxiety ridden - which I was ill equipped to properly handle. That appears to be gone. I mean, just gone. Its astounding. She did therapy, meds...but this did it au natural. Good stuff!

But in the same light, this newfound improvment in herself in her eyes has helped validate that the path she is on (out the door) is the right one for her to take. That she needs to do this for herself, to continue her growth.

I think its possible to grow as a couple. I mean, we have. I am in such a better place now than I ever was before. So is she.

So its kinda ironic to me to think that by ending this marriage is the thing that needs to happen to enable her further growth

Well, she hasn't gone YET. That is the key.

Now, what I'm gathering from this... she's trying to prove something to herself. That doesn't necessary have to do with you, but what I gather is she's afraid to be trapped, or 'strapped down', I bet.

Has she ever been independent before?

Yes, this is very much a part of the picture.

Never ceased to be amazed by the female intuition! You nailed that, I am impressed!

Yeah, if only we could get these two on this forum.........

But, I have a feeling that you two will eventually get through some hurtles, because you're recognizing the steps you have to take. Your problem is in her court, and getting her to take notice... that will happen by your physical actions toward her and time.

Me on the other hand, I have a long long long (& lonely) road ahead of me. I don't think I'm going to be so lucky. I've very doubtful that my H will take notice, or want to take change or action. I think he's going to take that anger built up inside of him and use it as fuel to stoke his fire. He'll preoccupy himself with his kids and move on. Sigh. Oh well...

If it helps any...

My wife feels very similar. That its a mere matter of time before I become ugly. When she leaves, I will become very ugly. That everything she is seeing now, is mere illusion to keep her in my web of madness

What that is..is that nasty preconcieved notion of who that other person is. Its a lie we have told ourselves so many times we believe it.

Now there is some merit to how your spouse ultimately becomes an evil charactacure of themselves in our minds. When they do ugly things, you start to expect it from them. The more they do it, the more you expect it.

Until you get to a point that is what you expect from them 100% of the time, and when you dont get that from them, you are suspicious.

I am having one hell of a time getting over this hump. She still frequently assumes I am going to be an [censored]

BTW - what is the longest you have gone in the past before 'caving in'? 3 weeks out of the house or more?

Believe me, he notices. I am willing to bet its all he can do to keep you and this issue off his mind.

You can run, but you cannot hide. I am willing to bet he has had plenty of sleepness nights. I am willing to bet he has laid in his bed alone in agony.

And I am willing to bet, he would be mortified if you knew that.

He is in 'power'. He must 'win' If he caves, he 'looses' and his masculinity is in question by himself.

It is an AWFUL AWFUL time for him right now.


But I had to experience that. Maybe he does too?

A final thought...

even if he never comes to realize the error of his ways and never becomes a true master of himself...

Its his loss, and I feel very bad for him to not realize his potential.

You? You will be fine. (eventually)

You discovered the strength to do what you felt was in your best interest - and that is very good for you, and you can use that as a building block on your own progessive path

And this applies to my own wife as well, I mean I dont want her to go. But I do now fully understand and can appreciate whats going on in her mind. I just dont think it 'needs' to happen.

But - its out of my hands. And if/when she leaves, I am ready for it. I know I did everything in my power I could do and I can have peace of mind.

The same peace of mind both you and my wife must have had when you made the decision that the relationship was over.

You empowered yourselves, and there is beauty in that