Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Trying to figure out WAW

It sounds as though your emotional experience took quite a toll on your W to the point that she felt responsible for making you happy and when she found out that she couldn't then she felt like a failure. Maybe when she realizes that our happiness does not depend on another person, but upon ourselves, then she can start to deal with it better.

She is showing you some positive signs with the hugging,etc., unless she is considering that showing a good "friendship" R. But, you have from now to August to show her that your changes are going to stick. And they must stick and they must be for you. Some H's have done this and said it was for them and for life, but then as soon as the W came back.....they stopped with the changes and fell back into the old habits. This is what your W fears. I don't know what all happened and you don't have to go into it b/c I know it's personal, but maybe it frightened her somewhat....to the point she can't handle that again. You said you were very insecure and clingy. For most women, that is an automatic turn-off, so I'm surpirsed she stayed with you as long as she did.

As she see how strong you've become and that you are going to be okay and continue to be well......then she will probably come around, even if she still files for D, she could come around later. So, your part now is not to panic and to keep showing her how attractive you are. Show her all the qualities that will make her fall in love with you all over again. Maybe it would help if she would talk to your doctor so she would be reassured.

Keep posting and take good care of yourself.

Thanks Sandi,

BTW, she asked me to lunch yesterday. We had a good lunch. She had her game face on and I tried to keep the conversation about her. The good thing is her father has been coming around helping her with repairs and stuff. They were pretty distant up until now. I saw a silver lining in this whole thing and related that to her.

Afterward, she loosened up quite a bit. I had to bring the dog to her (we share 'custody'). So I met her at the book store. Instead of her taking the dog and sending me on my way, she had me come in and we milled around the store awhile. We lightened up and talked and joked. We looked at our favorite Dr. Seuss books (mine is 'Go Dog Go!'). It was nice. At one point, I made a joke and she exclaimed, "Honey!" That was a first and sounded great, but I did NOT react. We ended off with smiles and a hug.

NOW, I'm afraid of the lash back. It always seems to take place a couple days later. The "bungee effect", when they don't want you to get the wrong idea, they get scared or whatever. We'll see. I should probably go dark for now, since we ended off well. Any opinions?

I would just kind of leave the ball in her park for now. Leave any contact up to her. Like you said, she may get scared for a bit, so just try to hang loose and not get all uptight and worried. Stay relaxed and just work on you while she is processing what she needs to do.

Take care.

Sandi

Thanks, Sandi. You're Da Bomb.

I couldn't agree with Sandi more... believe me, this stuff doesn't happen over night, this takes time and a process.

Thanks Jane.

I see so many encouraging signs:

Good visits, laughter, not telling me to "move on", inviting me to coffee, lunch, etc. She even bakes me stuff. Damn, it makes me WANT her. Meeeow! I really miss her company and friendship. Hope she starts to feel the same about me. I really screwed up by allowing my depression to run our lives...but no more. I deserve better and so does she.

To you WAW's out there. I don't judge you. Lunk-heads like me treasure your advice. To those of you WAW's who read this, you are class-acts just for being on this BB. Keep the advice coming. I hope and pray that all of your wishes come true!

-Flipper

You know, the key is taking the courage to understand the inner workings, AND keeping those bells and whistle still moving once you have pieced your marriage together again.

Until that time, slow and steady... slow and steady. You haven't lost the battle yet, she's still in there.

Thanks again, Jane.

Flipper, I'm Catholic. Have been told by family, friends, counselors, lawyers and pastors to accept reality and move on. She is too stubborn to change course. Strangely my kids have been a blessing in that they've been quite happy so far. But I have 50% custody so it breaks my heart to not have them some of the time - but I think they need their mother too and she is not a bad mother, but a messed up W. Thanks for your prayers. I have a book by Joel Osteen called "Your Best Life Now" that I'd bought for my W a while back since she like listening to this guy on TV. But she has now given up religion and has stopped going to church.