Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy For the Guy with Kids and a WW4

I've LEARNED to be more of a hardass. My natural style is very much one of a rescuer, codependent, and a classic "Nice Guy." (I could never be a good practical joker, for instance, because as soon as I see the person's face contorting in anguish, I give up the joke right away -- "KIDDING!").

Throughout my marriage, rather than deal with conflict, and specifically rather than be honest with my wife about her issues (and her with mine), I instead use softening statements, moral equivalencies, rescuing behaviors, etc., to take the edge off of moments that just MIGHT have been used for some sort of breakthrough.

It always FELT good (pressure relieved!), but it NEVER led to any real self-discovery or even much progress.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a killjoy -- I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Puppy

H4H

I think I too would have had difficulty not hugging. Although after the convo I had with WW on Sat night (yes, the D word came up as well), not hugging was a good thing.

I know what you mean about not losing your friend, but you also said you would not want things to get ugly; however, do things have to get worse before they get better? Nobody necessarily wants that, but how about the approach saying "you do not want this (D), you want to stay and ask her to do same BUT that the latter is up to her"? Yes, I did this on Sat night, but had received the advice from elsewhere. She could not blame me anymore - she had her freedom if she wanted (which would and still could be the "worse" I mentioned above). Although we slept apart for most of Sat night, back in same bed Sun. What does this have to do with your sitch - only saying that even the bleakest moments will pass and open up yet another day.

Keep up your spirits H4H, as best you can.

For the record, I think there are ways to hug, without rescuing. Many was the time my wife would be alone in her room, crying, and I would let her be for a good hour, then I would tap on the door, ask her if she was okay, and I'd go in, give her a good strong hug, break the hug myself, and say something like "I'm sorry to see you in this pain" or "I'm sorry you're hurting." And i learned, when she said things like "I've really screwed things up," to say "Yes, it's a mess, but there's nothing we can't fix together if you end this thing now" rather than the OLD Puppy, which would have said "Oh, there there now, honey, I've been a knucklehead, too!" (and counted off the ways I'd screwed up).

Thanks for the support, guys.

Ok, now I see it. I am the OLD Puppy.

I see myself as further along than your examples, but of course, a long, long way to go. You may have noticed.

Note:

I am home a little early. Our computer sits at a desk that has all my R books on one side and other books of hers on the other. Two of her book are one that I got her a few months ago. I have them sitting just so, so I know if the have been moved. Really no other reason to move them. One book is "The Walkout Woman" and the other is "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome". I had told her a client that happened to be a christian couselor had gotten them for me. I had told him my situation of her wanting to leave me. He did recommend the books. I told WW that he had brought them to me to give to her. She never did, of course. But I just noticed the "AGGS" book is moved a little. Hmmm. She must have been on the computer this morning after I left, because the envelope with the L info is at the desk. Empty. It had business cards, custody info for the state of Texas and info on parenting classes to help kids of D. Hmmm.

As far as the hug, I did not look to her like, "Please lets just hug". I told her, "Come here" and took her. Felt very masculine. After I said the part about being happy, the last thing that I whispered to her was that I was so afraid for the girls. That part ended up choking me up. I think she mumbled, "Me too". I kind of took it in the hug for a while and then I broke it.

I LOVE a good practical joke. Always have. I can take 'em and give 'em all the way to the bitter end.

Puppy, you are not a killjoy. I appreciate ANY of your input. Good or bad.

And thank you for the words, AT.

I just hate your name because of a certain OM that I know.
Keep checking in on me, eh?

Stupid edit button.

Puppy, if I could just REMEMBER those truth darts at the appropriate time.

WW just can throw me for a loop.

Glad to help If I can there h4h.

Of course you understand that the DBB is for YOU, eh ? Not for her.. which, of course, you should be about now as there is nothing you can do to change her at the moment, right ?.. It is all about YOU here !.. Whatever will happen with her will come from her.

So I think it would be wise to avoid conversations that include the F word and also the OM (sorry about the name thingy), moving, etc.. YOU need to stop worrying about her.. She is who she is.. and you are YOU ! Get back to h4h.. the guy you were before this R... the guy you know like h3ll and trust and love ! Find him. .. and yes it would have been the best thing if you had just left with the kids and gone on with your intended plans yesterday, I think ?

The thing is if you cant control your own emotions and let them control you.. well.. then other people can control them also, eh ?

Just Me.

AT

h4h, my heart goes out to you as I have been where you are. You are trying so hard to preserve something out of what is left by keeping her as your best friend despite feeling you are losing her as a W. I too wanted to maintain as cordial a R with my W as we still had a family to raise together. The last thing you want is all the BS to hurt the kids any more than it has to. But the reality is she will not be your best friend for a long time, if ever again. You also need to realize that a best friend would not betray you! Is that who you really want as your best friend? Think about it. You have alot of righteous anger inside you, it is such an incredibly devastating thing to be betrayed by the person you've pledged your love to forever more. You deserve better than a "best friend" that would do that to you. It's so tough to deal with, I know. I wish I could give you more right now but just remember that you will have blowouts with her, your emotions will win sometimes and that's not necessarily a bad thing, just don't let it become dominant. She should feel your hurt sometimes, but it's a tough balance to maintain. There were times I just let my unfaithful S have it with both barrels and she damn well deserved it, but then I went back to doing my best to do what was right for my kids and myself. I once told her "you will not make me someone I do not want to be". I refused to let the anger take over but, you know what, she ain't gonna be my best friend ever again! I deserve better as do you.

wow - whatisis - a slap of truth.
I thought about this trying being friend with my W - and yes, at least for me, was a desperate attempt to not let her go - the last thing I could hold on to... "maybe.... we can still be friends....", while her "we can still be friends..." was more of an attempt to sweeten the fact she was leaving.
But ironically so, I think a betray form a best friend is much less forgivable then from a spouse.
I still think H4H did the right thing because they ended up having a good day together, if it was going to end up with fight and R talks than would have been different.

Gotta throw this in H4H, because you are walking down a path that I myself traversed not to long ago and believe me, I learned a lot.

One thing that took me forever to learn was that every time I threw OM in my W's face, I reinforced my inability to listen to her and not hear her message as to why she was leaving me. Your W, just as mine, truly believes that OM is not a factor in the deterioration of your marriage. Everytime you bring this into your conversations you are driving a stake into the ground that she will have to jump over if you two are ever to mend your marriage.

As simply put as I can, you better figure out forgiveness in your heart if you really want to salvage your marriage. My best advice to you, forget OM, forget who he is, forget what they did, and forget blaming him for all of this.

I am not some dikk coming in here to blast you. I have read back a bit and I will tell you that I admire what you are doing with your kids. They will never doubt when they look back that they have a dad who loves them very much. Kudos to you for that.

Now take that same energy that you put into being a tremendous dad and focus it on detaching from your wife. That is the key that you need to unlock all of this. The ability to lovingly detach is very very difficult, but if you can just keep pushing yourself and do it, it will pay off with huge dividends.

Hang in there H4H, your doing fine, just hitting the same stumbling blocks that we all do.

Ian

Thank YOU ! WII and Ian..

As you both know I have detached from the both of YOU !

Thank you for checking in on my friend btw.. This is why this DBB has the potential to work, eh ?

These friends of mine know the score. They have been there and done that, eh ? LIke me... Just trying to help.

Tom