oh sweety, there really was no other way that would've turn out, he will not admit to wrongs if he keeps on going with the D and stuff, I know it would've made you feel better but you dont' need him to heal babe.
You are going to survive it and be even stronger, it sure doesn't seem like it now. You are in my prayers hon))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I know how you must have felt but the reality is, what did he really win? He threw away his family and he permanently left a hole in the hearts of everyone who loved him, especially his kids. Let's just say that right now he doesn't want to admit to anything and is even feeling entitled to act as he has. In time things won't always seem so rosey and he'll be left to deal with the guilt. I'm seeing this now from my ex but it took almost 6 years. Of course we were only divorced last year so it may of taken him a bit longer but I think 5 years is pretty much the timeline.
Anyway, I was flipping the TV the other night and one of those creepy gameshows was on where to win money you have to tell the truth about your deepest darkest secrets, and you generally have to tell them in front of people that the truth will hurt most. I heard this girl talking about her parents divorce so I was hooked. They asked her how she would describe the relationship with her Dad now. She said, "oh great never better." All these years later (she was 8 or 9 at the time)she admitted (with her Dad right there in front of her) that she believed he made a mistake in leaving her Mom (they asked him hoe it felt to hear that and he said, I agree with her. When asked she also said that she believed he was untrustworthy & that she'd never wanted a relationship with a man like her Dad, and that he ruined her childhood. So much for all of the feelings that she had been stuffing inside for all those years.
My point is that he really didn't get away with anything and sooner or later it WILL catch up with him!
Sweetie, there's nothing crazy about you. You were the one who went home to your kids, fed them and put them to bed. Even as sad as your day was you put your feelings on the back burner and went home to do what was right for your children. I'd say you're the one who is living in the real world!
I can feel the difference....what would have sent me into despair for days or even weeks at a time, only lasted an hour or two.
Still bothers me that my reactions have probably sealed the fate to the death of the marriage or ever having him look back, but I can't go back, and I don't think I could have been any different, anyway. I know that I was more devestated than most. It just is what it is, at this point (any point, really).
I just plan on going day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
Friends-- Thank you for the words of encouragement, before and after the meeting. ot, I am thinking about breaking from posting again....but I do feel like others understand me here, in a way that no one else can. Even if I take it to the -enth degree. I did like the article that you sent, and I agree that most, if not all, are pretty sick of hearing about my sitch and how I have been stuck in the same place for so long.
So, now it is my turn to pretend, to "act as if." You all know how shredded my heart is. You have all been there. I am going to try to express nothing but positive things for a while, say 2 weeks. Change the focus up a bit. (Should be a challenge, with the D next week). When my head starts to go to the past, the what ifs, the future, I will just start singing or doing something goofy. I have been self-indulgent to my feelings for too long. This may not make me feel any better on the inside (I usually get frustrated on top of being sad/angry/upset when I try to redirect), but at least it will make it easier for people to be around me.
When others ask "How are you?", they really don't want to hear anything other than "Fine! Great! You?" I will leave it at that and see what happens.
So, my classes went great today. I love the room I teach in, and the people I get to teach with. The kids are well-behaved and enthusiastic. I swapped out a huge Chinese dragon mural for a Rainforest collaborative piece today and got a load of compliments. I made a major dent in a special project that the principal asked me to do. I am off from here to Brownies, and I'm really looking forward to camping with my girls this weekend. My S has a campout, as well, and when we are both done, we are going to a street-luge team tryout (how random is that?).
Glad to hear you are dealing well with the disappointment. I hope the takeaway you get is that there is no R there to work on. There is nothing to resolve. It matters no more what he thinks of you than what my neighbor thinks of you.
The point of the article has nothing to do with how others react to you, really. It is about the point of what you are doing when examining your life — when it is helpful and when it is not. Seeking out old pain as comfortingly familiar is not helpful. Processing old pain to get rid of the garbage and gain a healthier mental outlook is helpful.
Regarding your actions sealing the fate of your M, that is just another story you are telling yourself to feel as if you have some control. Let it go. You aren't that powerful, and that in the end is a good thing.
After the initial reaction (wanting to die right then and there, wanting to scream at the IC, wishing I could disappear into the floor, etc...), I do see the meeting as a positive. It got me to a better place of acceptence. (You know the saying--you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need.) Him sitting there, poor belabored man with this lovelorn crazywoman bothering him, although he "still cares," while he is just trying to help.....bite me.
I am playing with the idea of moving. I really don't have anywhere to go, no huge ties....friends would stay in touch, I am good at making new ones, my family is already pretty far away.... I would just hate to give up my job--I really like where I work, and they are cutting teaching jobs all over the place again. I'd also have to buy another house, and am pretty sure I couldn't afford a new mortgage even in today's market.
But starting over appeals to me. Where I am now, I do have current support systems in place, but I also have to deal with CW across the street. And as much as they have loved and supported me, his parents in the house. I do feel terribly that they have become as involved in this mess as they have. But I also know that they have an offer of another house if they wanted to get out, and they don't, so I won't obsess.
Is that running away, like what he did to me? Probably part of it. I either wanted him to come home, or just disappear. When I alluded to that once in IC, she asked me--would you want your kids to be without their father?! I had to think long and hard about that one....
Quote:
Processing old pain to get rid of the garbage and gain a healthier mental outlook is helpful.
Getting to a place when I am good on my own, healthy and complete, with my self-esteem intact--that is where I need to be. The old tapes are the garbage.
You also mentioned "another story." Where did I just read about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves...? DBT maybe. This weekend, I am going to write another story about me, all from a positive outlook.
