You hit the nail on the head. I can talk sweetness onto a lollpop. I have always, always had a problem following through. I should have been a politician..lol
Actually there in lies a big problem for me reconciling with my H. He rarely did what he said. I came to learn that I could not trust him, count on him for much of anything.
That is why any changes I have been seeing from him have had to be visible, palatable changes that are repeated many times, in many different forms, in many different circumstances, before I would risk more with him.
When he would slip up, I would retreat, the walls would come up, the defenses were at full mast. When he could make good on what he said, then I would relax, I could smile, feel safer, be willing to 'talk'.
The WAW's rollercoaster of emotions that everyone talks about on here is a real phenomena for many reasons.... ONE of which is that my reaction & subsequent feelings was based on to his ability or inability to follow through on what he would say he would/could/should do. I semi-jokingly would tell my friends, how my day was depended on which "H" showed up that day.
He himself has said, that doing what he says, not just saying what he will do (or thinks he did) has helped him keep honest with his principles (something from Covey? I think) making him feel better about himself and I think, less angry.
Just another perspective on this from the other side of the fence.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
That is why any changes I have been seeing from him have had to be visible, palatable changes that are repeated many times, in many different forms, in many different circumstances, before I would risk more with him.
When he would slip up, I would retreat, the walls would come up, the defenses were at full mast. When he could make good on what he said, then I would relax, I could smile, feel safer, be willing to 'talk'.
The WAW's rollercoaster of emotions that everyone talks about on here is a real phenomena for many reasons.... ONE of which is that my reaction & subsequent feelings was based on to his ability or inability to follow through on what he would say he would/could/should do. I semi-jokingly would tell my friends, how my day was depended on which "H" showed up that day.
I had a similar situation here. You handled it very well. I must say the letter was pretty impressive and the advice about your W being sweet one day and mad about being sweet the next is all par for the course. In my sitch, I actually confronted my W and of course she played everything down. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I didn't have the actual text of the messages but the frequency and time of the contacts (when I wasn't around) spoke volumes.
I think some of the WAW might do something like this to give them a place to jump off to, i.e. they start to prep another man to run to before they leave the first. Just my thoughts.
Presently, I think my W has pretty much dropped all contact with the EA/OM and things seem to be improving, even if we are separated.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Actually there in lies a big problem for me reconciling with my H. He rarely did what he said. I came to learn that I could not trust him, count on him for much of anything.
That is why any changes I have been seeing from him have had to be visible, palatable changes that are repeated many times, in many different forms, in many different circumstances, before I would risk more with him.
When he would slip up, I would retreat, the walls would come up, the defenses were at full mast. When he could make good on what he said, then I would relax, I could smile, feel safer, be willing to 'talk'.
The WAW's rollercoaster of emotions that everyone talks about on here is a real phenomena for many reasons.... ONE of which is that my reaction & subsequent feelings was based on to his ability or inability to follow through on what he would say he would/could/should do. I semi-jokingly would tell my friends, how my day was depended on which "H" showed up that day.
He himself has said, that doing what he says, not just saying what he will do (or thinks he did) has helped him keep honest with his principles (something from Covey? I think) making him feel better about himself and I think, less angry.
Just another perspective on this from the other side of the fence.
I can relate to what you say because its happening in our lives together as well.
Fortunately I have discovered something about myself. I notice that when I am doing anything positive and good for myself (gym, studies, whatever) ..once I start making some progress, I seem to subconciously sabatoge myself. I started to understand that its likely because I fear succeeding, as if I am truly not worthy of achieving positive goals.
So understanding that, makes it easier on myself to actually follow through. I can catch myself 'slipping' before she does and rectify myself before she even notices.
This is a big reason why I am certain the old cycles of our past are all but done. Now I just need time for her to be truly satisfied that what she is seeing is not an illusion.
She is the one who seems to sway back and forth, while I am maintaining consistency. She made a promise to herself to leave, and she does not wish to betray her own promise. But in the same light, that promise was in part based off the old me. So when she see's positive changes in me, it kinda throws her for a loop. But she has seen this before, and I would tend to regress...so she seems to be expecting that to happen again.
But it wont! I am enjoying my new sense of self mastery and the upward spiral that comes along with it. :-)
Last edited by EnergyAZ; 06/05/0810:25 PM.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
She is the one who seems to sway back and forth, while I am maintaining consistency. She made a promise to herself to leave, and she does not wish to betray her own promise. But in the same light, that promise was in part based off the old me. So when she see's positive changes in me, it kinda throws her for a loop. But she has seen this before, and I would tend to regress...so she seems to be expecting that to happen again.
But it wont! I am enjoying my new sense of self mastery and the upward spiral that comes along with it. :-)
Energy, Good plan! Just keep in mind sometimes the spouse is actually fearful of your changes. Afterall, she has made the right decision. Just don't be surprised if she is looking for any little hint of a slip up to validate her "decision". Don't let this keep you from continuing from making this changes just don't be discouraged by something small gatting blown out of proporttion to suit her "needs". I have had this happen to me.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Energy, Good plan! Just keep in mind sometimes the spouse is actually fearful of your changes. Afterall, she has made the right decision. Just don't be surprised if she is looking for any little hint of a slip up to validate her "decision". Don't let this keep you from continuing from making this changes just don't be discouraged by something small gatting blown out of proporttion to suit her "needs". I have had this happen to me.
Yeah, at times I get the impression she feels my 'changes' are all an act. Therefore she kinda busts out the magnifying glass to investigate and then be a tad nitpicky. But I am only human and I am slowly growing. But it is progressive and it is improving and every day it gets easier and easier. Like I said 'upward spiral' its now no longer in my 'control' but snowballing with its own momentum
Yes...she did make the right decision to leave. In hindsight, I would want to leave that guy too.
And I can completely understand her skepticism, and in fact I welcome it. She may turn over every stone looking for a sign that everything is a ruse. I have all the time & patience in the world to let her do that.
Thanks for the encouragement & reminder; just the other day she doubted me and reitterated her desire to leave as soon as feasably possible and I felt down and hopeless about things. So yeah, I expect the roller coaster to continue
But instead of gripping with white knuckles, I think I am gonna raise my arms in the air! Why not, its not gonna kill me!
Last edited by EnergyAZ; 06/06/0802:50 PM.
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Your right it does take a lot of patience. I have even been accused of not being me when I was being me just becuase she didn't believe it. You have agreat attitude towards the whole sitch!!
At least I like roller coasters (not this kind though....)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
