Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Time for optimism ??

Dave --

Sounds like maybe some 'two steps forward, one step back' going on... and you are doing great with it. I admire you for your patience; how are your kids doing? Do they talk to you any about things, or just go with the flow?

L2

Hi L

Thanks for looking in . It is interesting , I had let expectations creep up and this was starting to drain me a little I think. I talked last night with the older boy and he thinks I am being too nice to W and helping out too much.
D12 just takes it all in her stride , she lives with me in effect but goes and visits W 3 /4 nights a week but they are realy just sleep overs and fun . S17 goes one night , S20 never visits .
They are dealing with things quite well , they have been disrupted as little as possible so life for them different but familiar ( if that makes sense ).

W still cant quite get a grip on not having control . Last night I am on the phone and I get a TXT message , " Who is on phone , need to talk with d has lost key " I TXT back " me on ph. will help her find it"
I found the key and TXT W , "key found all ok"

she txt back an appology with a good nite.

I have decided to back off initiating contact to see what happens , I have been too focused on W for last couple of weeks and not focused on myself.
When we do have contact I will still be friendly and happy but won't hang around unless invited.
its a bit of an experiment that may take a while to show results good or bad.
I figure I have made it too easy by being available to her when needed without being asked. I dont think she values what she doesnt have to work at.
If she works at it then she will be rewarded with some quality time , if not then it wont happen.

This will be a bit of a 180 from the last few weeks.

dave

Hey C-K, I hope that I can follow your steps. You're doing well and reading your posts made me realise that this is a Marathon and I for one need to re-focus on my goals, just as you did at the start of this thread. Just thought it might be good to know that you are providing some inspiration here......

Kiwi , Its a maraton alright.

There is danger in expectations , as you think things are going well you get some and thats just human.

W has been a bit more distant and almost a little angry , as if shes got a plan and I am not going along with it.
Why the sudden change in behaviour , who knows ?

The one thing I do know is that guessing gets you nowhere other than to perhaps the wrong conclusion.
What I do have to do ( experiment and watch results ) is reverse the lack of contact and see if it was a reaction to me dropping contact. Will wait a few days to do this though , just in case its something external.

Right now all I can do is stay the course , get the focus back on myself and looking after the Kids.

I will admit to being a little disappointed but thats the way it goes.

Just had a long Weekend , Got away by myself for a couple of days which was great.

I have struggled with the no contact , I went around and mowed W's lawns ( big job) she was not home but got a thankyou txt later . W is showing a great deal of frustration and anger which is not directed at me in particular. W had a tiff with D yesterday. I invited w for dinner with the family yesterday and she was still wound up , but I had her laughing by the time she left. She is under some amount of pressure from somewhere or someone and expressed some dismay at one her friends who is pushing her to do things she is not happy with . I validated and listened.

i sometimes think that I am just a spectator , getting on with life and watching what she is doing.
For me that is the best way as it saves me from getting too involved , there are glimses of the woman I loved but a lot of the time there is a selfish person who has no consideration for the feelings of those around her including her children.
Thats a person I am happy to avoid.

Boy can I relate to that statement, Dave! Just that WAS/WAW syndrome, I guess. I've been recently giving it the honest consideration that I'm really only after W just to see if I can actually win her back, and may be willing to tell her "no thanks" if she actually does. Said, but potentially true, I think. Of course, I'd like to be a family for the kids' sake too. Anyway, I digress...

Glad to see things are still on a relatively positive course with you and your W. Why does your son say you're being too nice/helpful to W? Is he just bitter about her leaving, or does he think it isn't helpful in regard to reconciling? Just curious.

I've got some updates coming up soon that I think are mildly notable. I'll talk with you later, mate!

GD

Hi Dave,

Good job! In fact, you are exactly right, you are just a spectator to her MLC. This is an incredibly important point and helps a lot to get past anger, frustration, and other negative, counter-productive emotions.

SD

GD

S just thinks I am helping her out when she needs to figure out how difficult it can be in the real world.
i am looking forward to your update , if I can find your new thread.

SD

Thanks , I am back to being quite balanced emotionaly again. That passionate encounter a couple of weeks back realy made the wheels fall off my trolley for a while.

Not much happening at present have not seen W since dinner the other night and will probably not see her again until late tommorrow. Went walking with D12 last night , that was nice , chatting all the way.

Dave

Hi C_K,

Popped in to read your thread. Our timelines are EXACTLY the same, our sitches are not. You are WAY ahead IMHO. ROCK ON!

PS: W saw early on how "hard" it was being a single parent, doing things without my help, even told me so. You can tell S it won't change W's response if you cut her loose completely.

Hi C_K,

That "observer" role seems to be a key part in the detached caring that is so often referred to on these boards. I'm sure your W. must be still mulling over the experience she had with you recently. Sure seems like there are a lot of mixed feelings going on for her.

It was validating to read the idea of the MLC'er going through a self-oriented (okay, selfish) period during the whole transition, because I think they are not able to see that aspect at all. I really identified with the experience of having brief "glimpses" of her and then the other parts / wall comes forward again. In a weird way, it's almost like when you have an elderly parent w/Alzheimer's or Parkinson's and they have moments of moving back into being recognizable and then it fades. They physically look like the same person, and you know that person is "somewhere in there" and yet not able to show themselves or remain present. It is heart-wrenching for me, but you have managed to get to a place of loving-detachment, and I guess that makes it easier to bear.

Keep posting, C_K!

Purr