Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think she wants to be friends

We'll here we are, the morning of what will probably be the first battle of the post-divorce cake eating war. I don't like this time, when I can see the fight coming but do absolutely nothing to stop it. It's kinda like being in a car wreck at that moment when you know you're going to crash and everything seems to move in slow motion, but you can't do anything to stop it.

W wants me to pick up kids this afternoon and keep them tonight because she is "tired" and wants to get some things done. I am willing to pick them up because it fits my schedule, but I am not going to keep them tonight. I kept them Sunday night (her night). She has never kept them when it was my time and we had our last MAJOR fight (OM participated) the last time I asked. I think I have only asked twice in the 1.5 years of this mess, she requests it pretty regularly, sometimes to go on trips w/OM.

I have decided whenever it is good for all concerned (kids, me and her)) I'll keep them, but if not I won't. I am going to tell her this when she pushes the issue which she will. Sunday was an example of an instance when it was good for all.

Last time she wanted me to take them and I didn't it turned into a pretty good fight, she even pulled out the "this is why we're getting a divorce" line. We'll now we ARE divorced. If she asks if I have a "hot date" again I'm going to respond, "I have plans tonight, tomorrow night, and I'm working on setting some up for Saturday night."

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like............victory." Robert Duvall, Apocylapse Now

Sleeper,

He has not said it in those exact words but he did say the last time I saw him this: "My life is not stable like it was, I am miserable, in debt and very unhappy. I can't sleep at night. I wake up shaking and go to bed shaking".

That was good enough for me.

His fantasy life is sure a nightmare.

OK I got all worked up for nothing.

After checking school schedule (closed), daycare schedule (closed) and my schedule I decided it was "best for all" for me to keep kids tonight and with me tomorrow.

I texted W this info, said it was her "lucky day" then went on that every day is our "lucky day." She texted me back that she really needed that message today, reminding her that every day is her lucky day.

She was really stressed out last night and must be having a bad day. Or days?

I had some realizations today.

In the beginning, post bomb, when W was in the beginning of anger stage I should have gone dark/dim. I didn't of course as human nature is to try to move closer to our S as we are reacting from our desires/needs.

This really is something they must go "through." W decided somewhere along the way that she needed a D. She even said she needed to be unattached "to heal." There was nothing I could do to stop this. Trying only made things worse. I didn't do much to try to stop it as the law and time were on my side. I hoped she would come through her mlc before we got D'd but we didn't and now I see we couldn't as she saw the D as necessary.

I am still the person she is closest to. We are getting closer every day as I am no longer seen as the enemy. She texts/calls me all the time. This is in spite of the fact that the financial aspects of our D have not been settled.

She's still messed up in a different way. She is stressed, tired all the time. I don't know if this is the "depression" stage or not.

Sleeper,

Just wanted to chime in with a personal opinion. Take it for what it's worth (probably not all that much, lol).


Actions that are motivated by "sending a message" would be better handled by actually delivering the message than thru a symbolic action of some kind.


You yourself mentioned that having your kids was a good thing. While I can see the need to have your wife embrace the reality of your divorced status, you don't really want to use time with the kids to do that, do you? If you get lucky enough to get an extra night with the kids, I would think that would be great (unless of course you had plans - but you could simply explain that).


If this is going to become an issue between the two of you, maybe it would be better to talk it out first, before it gets to a request that you choose to deny.


Your latest post I think leans in this direction, so maybe you're coming to this viewpoint anyway.


Lots of reasons to NOT give up hope yet in your story I believe.


Always impressed with your thoughtfulness.


Blessings,


Bill

"Having a thing is not the same as wanting a thing," (?)

I have added this to my profile as it seems to describe my x-W's sitch very well. She now hs her D and should be happy and relieved, right?.....NOT!

She is constantly "exhausted" (her words). This AM she called first thing (we should move in together if for no other reason than to save minutes on our cell plans she calls so much) and told me she didn't sleep last night and lay awake in be til 1:00 AM (I kept kids last night for her so she could get some rest). I told her there are meds for that.

She then asked me to run a couple of errands for her, one was to get 3 beachtowels for her and the kids. I'm tempted to not get the towels and explain "If you had asked that I get 4 I would have done it."

I had a dream a couple of months after we separated in which W and OM were on the opposite side of a river from me and an unknown female (I'm tempted to look for that female sometimes as I haven't one with me in reality). In the dream I had to go up an elevator to an upper level of the bridge to get across to where W was (the "High Road"?). I did so and arrived on the other side.

Although not easy I have found that taking the "High Road" is the right move in all of this. I have been very tempted to not and would no doubt recieve momentary satisfaction, but would not accomplish movement toward my goal in the long run. By doing so I am true to myself and my children (and x-W). I am free of later regret for my actions. I am chosing who I will be and my own destiny.

What is that saying?

Our thoughts become our actions.
Our actions become our character.
Our character becomes our destiny.

Got destiny?

A question for the ladies out there.

I have noticed a couple of physical changes with W that may indicate menopause:

1. She's gained weight in the last couple of months (5-10 lbs.)

2. She has developed celulite in her aft section and recognizes/complains about it.

3. She has lowered the thermostat at home and at work to 70 degrees (chilly to me).

Could these be related?

Aid eventful evening.....

Yesterday evening when W called to bring me kids I requested that they stay with her as I had been invited to go out for the evening with a mutual female friend (we are divorced). She said yes as I kept kids 3 night last week for her (one of the reasons I felt comfortable asking).

She began to call back multiple times growing angrier and angrier with each call. The real reason was obvious, she was jealous. She called me lots of names, and the spew escalated into her taking financial revenge and not allowing me to see my children.

I eventually became so up I told her I wanted to come get the kids and just go home. She refused.

So I went out and turned my phone off.

After arriving home (12:00AM) I turned my phone on to see 4 missed calls and 28 TM's. She called at that moment, continued the spew.

After hanging up on me the final time (she had done that numerous times already) she accidentally hit redial. I got to hear an argument between her and OM. He accused her of still being in love with me, said her behavior was unaceptable and a "major red flag." Her responses to him although unintellegable were just as angry and profanity laced as the ones directed in my direction.

I really don't know what to make of all this.

How interesting that you were privvy to that conversation.

Pretty obvious, though, that she is jealous. But, well, you're divorced.

Menopause--don't know--she is a little young for it. Could be early signs of it.

Your story ain't over.

Last night W said I was no longer welcome on "family" vacation with her and kids this weekend because of what happened.

This morning she said she no longer feels "comfortable" with me going this weekend.

A little while ago she called and said she wants me to "just think about going this weekend."

H*ll I'll go if for no other reason than to not miss out on any of this insanity.