It sounds to me as though you did a fantastic job making yourself a safe place to be and not judging H. WELL DONE!!
I wouldn't worry too much about not thinking up saucy comments- there'll be plenty of time for that lateer, and i'm sure that things will start coming to mind as you and H get more friendly- I didn't make any naughty comments to my H for about 7 months- it's really only been in the last few weeks thaat things have been oping up that I thought of saying. I can send you my list of naughty things to say if that wwould help you out though
I think it's really interesting that your H sounds uncomfortable when he calls and then relaxes when he hears you're OK. My H does the same, although I can't fathom the reason for it and have given up trying.
I also would't be too worried about him not having reconsidered his position- baby steps remember! This is a great one!
So what's the plan for the next baby step? When is H coming round to do the work?
(((Essie))) It's so great to hear from you, and especially with fantastic contact news!
I've been thinking. What happened with you and your H - did you have a break of NC or reduced contact? And if so did you ever initiate contact with him?
I would love to suggest that H and I meet up and have a drink sometime, but would much prefer that he suggested it, so I didn't appear to be pursuing...
I so want to get to the bit where he is chasing after me, but tonight I really got that the first stage is reconnecting as friends. Its too early to play hard to get and mysterious - I think he just interprets that as me being upset.
H is doing the work on Friday, but I doubt that I will see him, unless he purposely stays late by a couple of hours (highly unlikely). I could text him after Friday to say thanks for doing a good job??? What do you think?? Too much?
I think we should all pay Ali for her services, she did mention that Friday is a breakthrough day, didn't she? And she kept saying this week may bring changes...
No, not all, yes, text him thank you and even call him while he is at the house. I got the feeling from what you said that he is worried about your behaviour. It was nice you were ubpeat and friendly then and IMO you should try to get across to him that you are OK with interactions, so that he loosens up a bit and feels relaxed to at least start on a friednship...
Good Luck, I am happy for you, make the best out of it!
I'm so glad that you guys started the friends reconnection thing onthe phone- that's a really big step and you should pat yourself on the back!
I think if h is worried that you are upset then asking him to get together for a drink could be a good idea. it'd give you a chance to show him how you're 'moving on' and to show him what a great friend you can be- his best friend in fact, which is what I have been aiming to be for my H. Perhaps you could do it in the context of thanking him for getting the job done on the house? 'Thanks for doing such a good job on the house. Maybe I can buy you a drink sometime to return the favour' or something like that? But remember to keep your expectations low- he may be a bit surprised to hear from you....(not that I think he would respond negatively, by the way. Quite the opposite!)
So my H is a drop-in early MLCer (I think!). We have never had an extended period of NC (longest is 5 days, which is a bit pathetic). There are 2 reasons; when he first moved out I'd e-mail him every now and then to say hello (strictly neutral topics and no OR talk). Then when I found out about the PA continuing, I said I'd back off, but he started e-mailing me and making contact instead. Jack, Jeff and Beth advised me to try and maintain some contact if I could stomach it, so I did (although it made me feel ill to begin with). It was that that gradually led to the better interactions we have now (Jack, Beth and Jeff, if you are reading- thankyou. You know I think you guys are super-fab!)
Having said that, I think LRT is a good tactic when you are trying to detach from drama and to sort your own feelings out. If you've done that and can handle it, then being friends with H (IMHO) would be a good step to take as you'll be able to start reconnecting and remind him of all the great Essie-ness he's missing out on (by looking hot, talking about your GAL stuff and generally being the best listening supportive friend ever). Your H is in early MLC, is that right? I read a post by RCR once that said that they need reassurance early on and boundary setting later, so being H's friend would be you doing the former.....
Anyway, let me know if I'm way off here. You obviously know your situation best. My $0.02 would be that H has contacted you twice now in a friendly way, so the law of reciprocation would say you need to encourage his good behaviour by reciprocating in kind. Actually I think MWD says that too- if they take a baby step, respond similarly....
Another mega- post from me. Hurray! Would you believe that in real life I'm actually not that much of a talker?!
(((Essie))) Hope you're sleeping well right now!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
HOLY CRAP!!! That is so great@!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited for you!!! Things are movin'!!!!! I feel like I am in the *exact* same place as you so I really feel like I don't have any advice, I am overwhelmed as to how to respond in my own situation. but what everyone else sounds really good-- esp if he is worried that you are mad at him when you try to be mysterious, then maybe being bold is the way to move into the friendship stage.
I am SO PROUD of how you are being so supportive and validating. I think the saucy naughty bits will come later. Right now maybe it is taking all of your energy just to stay cool, not panic, and show him that you're OK and there to listen. At least that's what it would be like with me. I seriously am thinking about taking beta blockers before I see my B (when hopefully we get to that point) so I don't just radiate panic. So you are so far beyond where I am... I am so proud.
Especially awesome is how big the contrast is between how you accept him and support him versus how all the Well Meaning Naggers in his life who are telling him to go to church and getting on his case about partying too hard. It sounds to me like he is just acting out to numb himself to the pain of being apart from you/thinking he has lost you forever. It actually sounds pretty mild compared to how bad it could be.... Sometimes partying a lot is a sign of "masked depression", does that sound like your H at all?
Also... I've been wondering this for a while. A long time ago you said that if you "talked him into it" or something like that H would probably come back home and work things out with you. But instead what you have been doing is waiting and watching and not initiating anything. I am curious why. Do you want this space to organize your own self, and process your feelings? Do you need a break from the drama-rama? Do you want H to prove to you that it's what he wants? But... was it you who told him to leave? In that case, how can you show, not tell him, that you want him back? Does this make any sense? If you kicked him out and then are doing LRT, he might just think you don't want him back ever. ????
I might be TOTALLY OFF THE MARK HERE !!
anyway, Essie, I am full of jubliation for you!! And just for the record, how long did it take for him to reach out? I am always interested to know (before what happened yesterday with B sending the package I thought maybe I would have to go for 8 months of NC or something).
((((MEGA MEGA MEGA HUGS))) and a bunch of high fives!!!!!
I'm thinking that I got a bit ahead of myself and I need to keep my expectations low. I think my next move will be just to call him and say hi - to match his baby step.
You are so amazing to have continued contact with H even when it must have hurt so much in the beginning. But your results show that was the right move!
Makes perfect sense about reassurance first and boundary setting later. I think H really needs to be reassured that I dont hate him or think he is a bad person - his own guilty consience is doing that for him. Thanks for the tip - I'm going to work on reassurance and encourgaging him for the good things he does do (might have to get my magnifying glass out to look for those good things :D)
I hope I catch you on here this evening! I love that you plan to call your H- that will be a great move. Perhaps you can make a judgement about asking him for a drink casually depending how the conversation goes? As long as you keep it light and non-pressured I think you'd be find. Even saying something like 'it'd be nice to catch up in person some time, maybe over a drink' might work- not asking directly, but planting a seed so he knows you'd be OK with meeting for a drink.....
((((Essie)))) I am rooting for you. Is H coming over to do the house stuff today?
L.xx
PS Thankyou for being so empathetic about the contact with H at the beginning thing. It was horrible, but things are gradually improving. Let's wait to call it success though- I am always worried about getting ahead of myself (think it's the scientist bit of me)!
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
(((T))) I'm still amazed that we've had a break through within a matter of hours!
You are right the naughty / saucy bits can come later. They will be a total 180 when they do!
To answer your questions:
H was the one to leave. I always made it clear that even though I wasnt really happy with the tension in our relationship I wanted to get through it together, and that leaving was not an option for me. (Would of course handle it differently now, cause it put him under a lot of pressure). He dithered about for several months wanting to leave - I can see now that he was really torn and he didnt know what to do (but at the time when he couldnt make a decision it drove me crazy!). And I know I could convince him to come back because I sort of did (we had a whole year of drama), but I only want him back if he thinks that I'm fantastic and he cant stand to be without me. So 180 for me is to back off and not try to fix or change him! Before we got married he pursued me, after we got married I pursued him - funny huh! There is a lesson there!
You know at the start I had a calendar and I marked the days of NC off, but now I cant even really remember how long its been since the last contact. I'd say at least a month.
Of course I'm only kidding! I've learnt a lot from DB.... The most important thing is to let the man chase the woman and not pursue!. So... Tree there will be no meeting you half way. I'm expecting you to fly all the way to me and turn up on my doorstep with flowers, chocolates, and poetry. I've also learnt to keep my expectations low ;)!!
I don't appreciate your snarky remarks to me.
You just don't get it do you?
Maybe one day..........
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
