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P.S. Read top of 181 to middle of 182, George's story.

First off, thanks for the pages from the book. I skipped ahead and read that story. Good story. It actually hit home I really noticed things going downhill when my W lost interest in sex with me. When I asked about that, she said that she wasn't interested because she felt we were drifting apart and she just was not attracted to me. She felt rejected too many times in the past when she tried to get me out of my shell by exploring things like watching movies together and things of that nature. I noticed through snooping that she was talking to a couple of different guys from work, and a bad situation came up when one of her guy friends called her phone while she was in the shower. I answered because we were pretty understanding and her mom sometimes called a lot. Well, before I picked up I noticed it was this guys name. So I said "hello?" Silence. I repeated.

"Hello?" He says "Is John there?" I say "there's no John here" and he says "I must have the wrong number"

I said "Who are you looking for?" He stammers a little and says "uh...John?" I said "nope, no Johns here." After confronting my W about it, she tells me that he felt nervous and lied because he knew how it must look that he is calling her phone, and he is sensitive to not causing any problems with us. It was, and continued to be an ongoing trust issue with me because I admitted to snooping after seeing some mails that suggested that the person on the other end was looking for my W to send nude pictures - all of which she denied saying it was all "a joke."

None of it ever sat right with me, but through this story, I learned how I could have approached it better. I began almost LOOKING for a reason to believe she was cheating. Coming up with stories in my head. And, just like George, the more insecure I became, the more I tried to control.

Tink- you said:


What did you mean by that?

W emailed me today after no contact for 4 days. Asked how I was to which I responded "Busy, but peachy"

She then asked if I wanted to get together on Sunday because she has to cancel her membership at the gym that is by the house, so would I like to do lunch or dinner?

I want to real bad. I'm feeling down because I was having thoughts about how things seem to wind down (canceling her gym membership, saying she wants to come clean the basement because her ferrets were down there and made a mess, she didn't take pictures with her, or the bear that I gave her a while back). These things sound like she is preparing to leave for good.

Should I be busy, on Sunday, though?

What did you mean by that? [/quote]

I meant that you are not pursuing her, the relationship is becoming more balanced because you are not pursuing her or trying to control her (by asking her whereabouts or hinting at being rejected), and she is pursuing you by initiating calling you and initiating getting together.

Hi, I think it would be OK to see her if we plan it out so that you will be prepared to not talk about R, stay chipper, etc.

When she talks about canceling the gym and other things that upset you it's important not to show it and not to ask leading questions trying to get her not to, or just intimating that it bothers you.

Tink

Sounds good. I accepted and even did something I don't normally do: specified the place and time which is something I didn't normally do in the past. It might be little, but butterfly effect, right?

I'm struggling after her response this morning, though. She asked if it was OK for her to come pick up free weights and mail. I just want to say "are you going to take all of your things this trip so next time I know you are coming to see me and not to get the mail?" I know that is the wrong thing to do, but is there any version of that or another approach I can take to say that? We haven't discussed at all the terms of the separation (whether we are going to work on things) and it is starting to get annoying!

VERY COOL!



Hi, that IS annoying! But you gotta grin and bear and just be like, "Yeah, sure OK :)"

Ugh.

Also a second option you can do, is after you find out she's picking up her stuff (which she let you know AFTER she made it like it was plans for you two to get together) you CAN call up a day or two later and say, "Oh you know, I totally forgot I have plans for then. Just pick up your stuff, it's fine; sorry I'll miss you. Hopefully next time...:) :)"

And of course make real plans to be far far away for a long time so you make sure when you get back there's no way she'll still be there.

Tink

Hi, that IS annoying! But you gotta grin and bear and just be like, "Yeah, sure OK :)"

Ugh.

Also a second option you can do, is after you find out she's picking up her stuff (which she let you know AFTER she made it like it was plans for you two to get together) you CAN call up a day or two later and say, "Oh you know, I totally forgot I have plans for then. Just pick up your stuff, it's fine; sorry I'll miss you. Hopefully next time...:) :)"

And of course make real plans to be far far away for a long time so you make sure when you get back there's no way she'll still be there.
[/quote]

Wow. That would certainly send a message, but I'm not sure how that would be taken. At this point, I feel our time is getting more limited because the time between contacts is getting longer. I only have the ability to be happy around her and hopefully have her talk to me on Sunday. I don't know if I can cancel those plans, especially since I have a feeling she would just suggest another time on the same day since I told her my Sunday was open. If this were during the week, it would be easier to have something to do since time is limited by work and such.

I so badly want to find out what she wants from this separation!!!! I feel like we are going no where and it's just being dragged out. I need to feel close to someone!!!!

This is not true. Everytime you speak on the phone you have the ability to show her you are happy. Everytime you are not available because you are busy doing your own thing, you have the ability to show her you are happy.



Well you have two good choices. You can see her and just bite your tongue about the stuff she's taking (and the R) if you feel up to it, then do this. Or, if you don't feel up to this then you can tell her that something came up for that day and night and she can feel free to come by for her stuff and hopefully you can see each other sometime soon.



I know. But you know I think you will find this out once all her stuff is out and then see what her contacts and initiation are like.


I know this may sound silly, but I think this would be a good time to get a puppy or a kitten. I think it could really cheer you up or comfort you for you to have a little guy to care for and have affection.

Tink

True. I really do want to see her, and be happy around her. I think only positive things will come of that. So far I have been 98% perfect in following the "rules" so I'd like to continue.



I already know that, but for some reason, I pretend I don't. I'm glad I have a reminder here I should add this to my short list of goals: In situations where my patience is tried, especially pertaining to the R, I must do the exact opposite of haste (my previous M.O)




It doesn't sound silly at all. We both wanted a dog, but we are absent from home long enough due to work and busy lives that I think it would be unfair to an animal like a dog. She has ferrets, so she is lucky. I do NOT want ferrets again, though. Too messy!