The not seeing her and the sex, are these things that you could initiate conversations with her about? Is she there yet, open enough to talk? If not, please think back to four months ago and realize you are in a better place then you were then. You have been through SO much, just move slowlee and TRY not to get frustrated. This IS a conversation that you need to have, but you cannot rush it. Is there a MC in your future? Have you read Michelle's Sex Starved Marriage? There are some good points in there for the high libido and the low libido and it might help you cope. If your W could get to a point to understand that sex is a form of communication for you that would be great, but if she is still hanging on to the Me, Me, Me, you could be in jeopardy of some backsliding.
Hang in there. Love you, man.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting grislen: So tonight when we are in bed I wake myself up and im trying to iniate intimacy after a bit I get turned down completely. This frustrastes me so much. I see old patterns trying to come back an im trying to fight them off.
Hey, Lee -- sounds like you're both (you and w) doing "more of the same"? Any thoughts to what you can do differently re. initiating?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Lee, Haven't been able to post much lately, but I've been reading your thread and you've come so far. You've gotten such great advice here. Patience and going slowlee is key, right? Just like you've always told me. How about setting some new goals in the context of this new phase of your R? Goal = more intimacy. What would be the first indication that your W was ready for more? What went on between you during the days before you had sex recently? What things were you doing then? What was your atttitude, your approach to your W, your expectations? What has gone well between you in the last couple of weeks? What is her LL? How could you show her you love her and want her so much in her LL? It seems to help me to rethink my goals when I get to a new stage of this trip. Hopefully this will help some. Just 2 cents from me. Hope your w/e is good.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
You all are so right I need to get back on the horse and start DBing better. My W's LL is quality time and gifts. I try to give her as much time as possible. Today we basically spent the day together running errands and such. We talked and did all that girlie stuff . Im thinking that she is probably not as emotionally close as she need to be either but right now im at a loss as to what more she needs. The other problem is im not getting what I need from her. I dont need sexual touch but I do need more touch than what she is giving me. I need more hugs more loving touches on the shoulder her to actually reach for my hand when we are walking some where instead of me always reaching for hers. Stuff like that. Im not getting and it is hard. This Piecing stuff is a lot harder than the getting to piecing. It is probably because expectations are much higher now. where in the past there werent really any. So I need to come up with a plan of action. Tommorow Im going to wine and dine her and try to make that night the best one we have had in a long time. I also am going to work on some new goals. It will be some what are to come up with some new ones but I should be able to do it.
She probably just needs more time is all. This is all very new to her. You have to remember you've been DBing and working on learning about relationships for a long time now and she has not been participating. You're much further along than her. She has to catch up at her own pace and you have to be patient while she does. For now, the intimacy will have to be at her chosen times. You're probably not in a position to negotiate at this time. Be more patient and start looking for solutions rather than focusing so much on the problems.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
I agree with RJ, your W just needs time. You ask what more you can do for her and the answer is still space and time even though you are piecing you have to be patient. You have come so far and done so well don't get impatient now. Remember you have moved quite quickly compared to lots of us. Stay positive.
I spent a couple of hours the other night looking at your old posts. Congratulations on your progress. You appeared to demonstrate enourmous patience during this process. You seemed to do what most of us have difficulty doing - really stepping back and giving your W the space to sink or swim.
I would like you to read my thread in the MLC section and give me your thoughts. My W and I do not live in the same home anymore, she had an A and is absolutely in MLC.
Thanks for posting your story and thanks for the help.
