Watch yourself man. Don't let one action(or lack of action) from your W start you spiraling downward with negative thoughts! If you hadn't figured that out yourself since you first posted that I would've had to hit you up solid with the 2x4!
This is going to be a slow process still. As you have learned you need to change your actions. You need to start noticing what happens when you get what you want and what is happening when you aren't. Keep doing the things that get you what you want. Over time you might need to reevaluate. Things that got you positive results might not be working any longer, and you may need to think of new solutions...it's an ever evolving thing.
However, your W loves you and says so. Do not take her for granted and do not let the occasional negative thing have you thinking doom and gloom thoughts about your R(and there willl be plenty more negative things, you know this).
What are you going to do if she goes out again all night? Will that mean your M is falling apart? How can you approach that differently this time around? It's not that you should roll over and be a doormat and let her do whatever she wants with no consequence...but don't let the occasional annoyance send you downhill.
Just remember, you're in a place where many of us can only dream of being right now. Be thankful, and for godsakes, focus on those PROBLEM-FREE TIMES!
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
I know what you are saying and Im trying to do that. With that first post things were just all to familar from the old R and it really freaked me out. It was nice to be able to come on here vent get my head on straight and then go back and see that everything was really ok.
I will tell you that over all I had a great weekend. Things went great. So that is what I am looking at now.
Hey grislin. I'm happy to hear your W has "come home." I've been struggling for the last few months with what you're talking about. At first I couldn't really approach my W to tell her that I need this and that for our R to really work out. However, over time I was able to have more and more of these discussions. You'll notice that as time goes by, your W will become more comfortable with you...as she was previously. Her easing back into the R will afford you the opportunities to bring up R subjects at certain times. The clincher for me was that I eventually had my W read "5 Love Languages." It was like the lightbulb went on... Now she more fully understands what I need (because I already know what she needs).
Just give it time, give her time, and things will happen gradually as she becomes more comfortable. I know that now you've had a taste of what "could be" you want more. Stay patient, Grislin, DBing while Piecing is a whole different ballgame... I think it's important to realize that we are in a different place mentally than our Ses. We need to give them time to catch up...and some take longer than others...
The jump to "Piecing" doesn't change one of the ground rules that got you here...
Let her set the pace in which she is willing to work on M. This early in the stage, she is still sitting on the fence when it comes to how secure she feels M will be better. So let the scorecard go / let go of your expectations of what she should be doin in M for now. In "piecing" you need the find the delicate balance between making R feel good and safe and starting to work on issues, until she can feel comfortable that the issues can be worked on without the R going bad. She still needs convincing the old patterns are truly broken and until then she will still have times of distancing because of her apprehension, so it will still take lotsa patience on your end.
Lee, I'm so happy for you. I hope that someday I'll be where you are (again.)
Yes, the "piecing" part can be harder than the "being apart" part, because you can see "success" within your reach but there's still such a ways to go. Remember, DBing is for life.
And even in happy marriages, spouses get turned down for sex and spouses hurt one another. It's the commitment and the love that gets you through it all.
Well last night when W got home from work and came up and cuddled with me and talked with me for about a half hour. That is a change for her. We were talking and I had to ask because she has been kind of hinting at this for a little while lately. I asked her if she wante to have another baby. She said yes and no. She said she would like another one but that she really doesnt want to put forth the effort in it all . She has also lost 50 lbs. and doesnt want to gain that back. I can tell though that she is really thinking about it. I told her that if she is ever ready for another child that I am now ready. I know kind of jumping the gun there but that is the way I feel. Things just seem to be getting better and better everyday. I try to put what Michele writes in her book to work every day and also talk to my W in her Love Language.
I am so frustrated with some of the things in my sitch. I really dont see W at all. From Sunday to thursday night. She has been very cuddly when she gets home from work and such. So tonight when we are in bed I wake myself up and im trying to iniate intimacy after a bit I get turned down completely. This frustrastes me so much. I see old patterns trying to come back an im trying to fight them off. Trying to act as if. Most of all it just brings back the thought that im working so hard and to be turned down hurts so much. Its like she is saying I dont love you just go to sleep stop touching me that repluses(sp) me. With my brain I know that is probably not it but with my heart that is the way that it feels. I dont know maybe Im moving to fast, or expecting to much but I try and give her what she needs out of this R but it doesnt seem to help with what I need. Anyway Just needed to get that off my chest.
Good morning Lee, Have you been by jethro's thread? Earlier in the week, he brought up topic similar to way you have. There lotsa good responses.
Quoting grislen: I really dont see W at all.
Can you elaborate a little more on this? Is there something can be done a little differently so that you have a little more "together time" that could lead to being more intimate?
