Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My husband's MLC

Well if it ends it ends.
I think if I would have told him that I know the truth when I found out, we would be separated and well on our way to divorce. I have to live with knowing I am second pick. I think he would've been relieved in a way. He says he never would have left me, and never wanted me to find out, but I am almost positive that it would have given him the motivation to make the changes.

I realize that my life now is a no win situation. If I tell the truth, I may lose him, if I don't, I live with the fact that he is here because he doesn't know the truth.

There is no way I would admit it now what I have done. I thought I was pretty brave just letting him know I know about the affair. But I didn't want to feel the resentment of him just going along like nothing happened.

Life just sucks sometimes.

there is never anything worth having that does not involve being brave

sounds like you have some work to do on yourself

and

he has some issues he needs to address

and

yes...having an affair while married is conniving
it is disgusting and a huge betrayal of trust

tricking someone into staying is also a betrayal...one is not at a worse level than another

I can not say I would not have done the same thing

I can say that I would confess it

he has a right to be angry at you just as you have a right to be angry with him

trapping someone is not the way you want to live

and

if you do not both address your problems it will happen again

Truly admirable. I wish I had the computer savvy and skill that you do. Congratulations on taking control of your life.

Ahhh, cogratulations on taking control of TWO other peoples lives actually.

Veritas vos liberabit
The Truth shall set you free.

Live a lie for the rest of your life. Having what you have through deception, and you will ALWAYS wonder if the rest of it is real.

IF you are regretting your actions now, it will only get worse.

Go get a MC, learn how to talk to each other, eventually tell him what happened.

The sad part in this, the truely sad part, is that the problems in a marriage are seldom one sided. You were not given the chance to figure out your contributions to its failing, you don't have to now, and you won't be able to work on them.

Justifying your bad actions because of another persons bad actions, I did it because he did it...

If your going to do something at least own it, at least do it because of you not someone else, don't be a puppet.

He only has the email for her that he has been using. He thinks she got married and is living with her new husband in the states. He doesn't know her "new married name". I checked her cell phone and that number is no longer active so she probably can't afford it without him buying her the minutes. Now He thinks she just was with himself and the new husband so that she could come to America. So I don't think he wants to be with the new image of her. He wants to be with the fantasy of her.

He was down there for six months. The affair didn't start until he was there after 3 1/2 months. So I don't think it was a product of our broken relationship. I think he would have messed around right when he got there if that is the case. I think it was a horny man in an atmosphere of permissiveness and it was easy to just let it happen. I am not saying that makes it okay. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what I am saying or what it means. I had never worried about anything like this before. We have been together for 25 years, and this is the first time anything has ever even caused me concerned.

When I left the note that I knew about the affair, he went to his brother's house and broke down crying because he didn't think I would ever come back or forgive him. He said he was ashamed and embarrassed that he ever did that to me, and that I have done nothing but support him through the years. He knows I didn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And I don't think he ever thought he was a person that would do that.

I don't know what is in store for the future. He has told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to stay because of monentary concerns. Since my health problems will never really go away, my future earning potential isn't very promising. He has promised that no matter what I decide, he will be there financially for me. Although it might be easier to say that to me because he knows I don't want a divorce.

Now I am just rambling.

Well you both have some attoning to do, how are you going to do it?

What would you change in yourself, to better yourself, that would be beneficial to your marriage?

I have looked into seeing an individual counselor. I don't know if we will get to the marriage counselor. Neither of us is the spill our gut types. I was shaking just submitting this to an anonymous forum.
I don't know all the changes I need to do. I have been reading alot of books, looking at websites, and trying talk about things.


The other day we pulled into the driveway and I started crying. He asked what is it. It was just that looking at our house from the road, it looks like a happy house. It looks like whoever is living there is happy, has a good marriage, and is content with their lives. It isn't a fancy house, it just looks like a cheery place to be. It looks homey. It just hit me that the world isn't the place I thought it was. It doesn't matter how good you are to someone, how devoted you have been, or how much you care. It is hard not to be hardened.

I think I need to logoff for the day. This is making me cry. I'll be back tomorrow or Monday but I think for now I have to take a break from it.

Thanks to everyone for replying. I realize that my "methods" were not exactly noble. I appreciate the honesty, although please be kind. I am having a pretty hard time dealing with it all even if it seems like I think I have it all figured out.

Come here ANY time! It'll help in the long run....lots of ideas here for sure!