Yeah, now that I got it all out, I have no desire to have contact with him. I don't mean like...EVER...just no burning desire to check on him or anything like that. Not checking email or voice mail for him or anything. I'm good. :-)
I'm not getting the vibe that the OW is still in the picture but don't know how much to trust in that. Usually I can feel when someone else is in my "space". I just have the feeling that that relationship didn't pan out or something.
Started going to a new therapist and really like her. Had an appt yesterday. I told her about the book and how excited I was to be owning up to my part in things. She cautioned me to not let him off the hook or take the blame for everything and that he was still guilty of the crap he's done. So, after I got done, I was feeling a little more grounded, so to speak.
My "homework" for this week from her is to get outside as much as possible, get around other people with good PMA, walk, exercise, etc. She also encouraged me to look for a water aerobics class because of my fibromyalgia and carpal tunnel syndrome. This past week, I spent a lot of time outside, hanging out with friends, etc. Made a HUGE difference in my own outlook.
One dilemma I was just talking to my friend about, which is probably me thinking way too far ahead, but if we DO get back together, then I'd have to move to GA where he is PCSing. I had already decided that the best thing was to stay here so that my S16 could finish high school in the same school. He's doing well in the academy he's in and I don't want to mess it up. He already told me that if I moved to GA, he wouldn't go with me but would move back home to live with his dad. His dad and I have joint custody so S16 could do that but the school there is poor quality.
And here's the other thing that bothers me....I prayed about whether or not(when it looked like there was no hope of reconciliation)
Where are you dear?? No posts in 2 whole days~hope everything is going all right.
I understand the school dilemma. My advice? Do not borrow trouble right now. That is a bridge that will need to be crossed later and I would suggest praying on it before any decisions are made. While I also understand the need to have some control over something in our lives, letting go and letting God is proving to be rejuvenating. It is like KNOWING that you are on the winning team.
That being said--
Today's goals--
Take a walk and enjoy what God has given us. Take the kids with you and enjoy their childlike innocence and wonder in a world that we, as adults, are all too often too jaded to enjoy. You have already seen what getting out does for your PMA. Do more if it!!
Do not initiate contact with H. If he calls, be pleasant and friendly. Smile, as he will hear that smile in your voice.
Every day, in every way, BE the greener grass.
talk to you soon, hon.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Sorry I've been MIA. My cable got turned off (which really isn't such a bad thing. lol) and I was limited to when I could get to my friend's. Plus, my kids are going full bore these days & it's hard for me to have a cohesive thought process that lasts more than 5 minutes. It's very frustrating. I keep feeling like I'm going to get deep in thought and write and then *yank* the fish hooks in my jaw are going to get pulled by one of the 4 cherubs living under my roof. :-)
I hate not having internet 24/7, though, because so many times I needed to get on here and run something by you guys or just read until the "storm" passed or something. Now I have time and can't remember what the heck I wanted to say.
I'll just write what comes to mind (this should be interesting. lol): Okay, I did the 2 steps forward, 3 steps back approach over the weekend. Not my finer moment. I was doing good until I saw the wooden boxes in the closet where I keep the love letters, cards and pictures (you know the ones I sent to Iraq to do my part to boost morale for one particular soldier. teehee). I sat down and started going through the box that was all stuff from my H. I laughed and cried and smiled and got the warm fuzzies, etc. Wow, dude was in looovvveee. With me. Go figure. It wasn't just cards and letters from the beginning (and dag, I forgot what a romantic he was back then) but even more recent stuff (up to about 2 years ago). I was reading things and saying, "Yeah, God...him, right there, that's the guy I'm looking for. Could you get him back for me? Thanks." :-) Then I got wondering what ever happened to all the cards and letters I had sent to him in Basic and during deployments. So, I texted him. Never got an answer about basic but was reminded that he had to burn the letters in Iraq for my safety.
I was feeling silly and started texting him funny, giddy stuff. Even took goofy pics of the kids with my phone and sent them. Never got any replies. Started getting scared that he was on a date. I gave up and went about my business. A few hours later, I get a text that says, "sorry, my phone was off by accident" (which I know happens if he drops it on a hard surface) and then he proceeded to tell me that he was feeling better (he had strep). Well, by the time I got that message, I had a couple of glasses of wine and made the dreaded mistake of "drunk texting" him. I had had a few hours for my crazy imagination to have a field day. I read more letters and started wondering if he talks to every woman he wants to be with that way. Then I decided (in my lovely intoxicated state) that I wasn't anything special to him...ever. Mind you, he has never said that. In fact, quite the opposite. But I've never been able to reconcile that with the fact that he has pursued other women online (and most recently, face to face)quite often over the years.
Well, the long and short of it is that we spent several hours on the phone, either talking or texting. We'd switch to texting if either one of us was starting to lose their cool then go back to talking when we calmed down. He let me talk for long periods of time and he really listened. I told him about how I was feeling, reading the letters and emails (I'd print out the really good ones so I'd have a copy in the letter box to read over and over when he was down range)and how much I missed him (yeah, I know...big no-no). Then I was reminiscing with him about some happy or funny times. All in all, the conversations weren't too bad. We let each other talk and we tried listening. Some of the things hurt me but he didn't sound like he was trying to be hurtful, just honest about his feelings. So I let him talk and tried not to interrupt (hard thing for me to do because I'm quite the Chatty Cathy).
There were some comments he made and with his general demeanor that made me think that he has seriously been rethinking the big D. He said that he found himself being very cautious around me because whenever we would separate in the past (nowhere near as long as this, though), we'd make up, things would go really well for awhile and then something bad would happen and a little thing would escalate into a big thing. He said that we are 2 passionate people and our interactions are emotionally charged, good or bad. That's a lot of the problem. He really misses the kids, too. He is going to try to come up here on Saturday because D8 is in a big dance recital. But with the gas prices, it costs a lot for him to put gas in his truck to make that drive.
When the nights' conversations finally ended, he was angry because I had been asking him about OW that he had a couple of dates with and he was fine at first but then I asked him a question and he got it in his head that I was trying to twist his words and trap him so he hung up. I called back and was very calm with him and told him that it wasn't what he was thinking and would he please take a deep breath and calm down. He said he didn't want to talk anymore because it always comes back to other women with me and that no matter what he said, it was like beating a dead horse and that he "knew" I needed to tell myself that I was never anything special to him and that his words and love weren't real, yada yada.... He said something (somewhere in this conversation, I'm not sure which part) about needing to date to help him move on or something to that effect. And I said, "so then you would be okay with me dating someone and/or having sex" (bad, I know, very immature). That made him very mad and he hung up and texted, "F...you". Then he wrote, "as long as they stay away from my kids". I replied with some choice sarcasm (I've got it down to an art, unfortunately).
He said that he was able to move on because he "knew" he had give the marriage a 110%. Say what?? I really had to bite my tongue then. I said that that wasn't true and that neither one of us did. I told him that we didn't really put the time into finding out what spoke love to the other one. I gave him the titles of a couple of books (guess which ones? :-) ) to see what I meant and to understand that divorce is not the solution. Told him about Dr. Harley's book, "His Needs, Her Needs" about the top 5 needs of men and women. I said that we both had needed more instruction and application and that we thought that our passion would lead us.
Finally said goodnight to each other. Next day, he texted that he wanted to try to make it to D8's recital but was worried about the gas, etc.
I know that my choices over the weekend to give into my emotions and let them lead me by the nose were not wise. It's probably going to set things back a bit.
Started reading DR. I had a couple of opportunities in the last 2 days to react emotionally to specific things but stopped myself. Had read something about NOT being led by emotions and waiting 24 hrs before doing something that might be emotionally motivated. That one piece of advice helped tremendously. Now if I could just finish the rest of the book, I might stop doing the goofy things that have obviously NOT WORKED in the past (like drunk texting and crying.....*smacks hand*)
A couple of months?! YIKES. lol I have to admit that I am feeling a little pressed for time because he graduates at the end of July and we clear the house the first week of August. I have to start making plans and am not really sure what to do. **big sigh**
Totally see the wisdom in no R talks. Thankfully, I have you guys and my counselor to talk to. I haven't been doing too badly about the R talks (when he was here for the baby's bday, I was good....:-)...does that count for something? please, oh please. lol) But it was those dang letters and cutesy cards and his whole "knight in shining armor" attitude towards me that really got to me. I almost called him yesterday and said, "Baby, what is it going to take to keep our family together? Just tell me and I'll do it". But I took the advice from DR and waited. And I'm so glad I did. Even if he WANTED TO get back together, there are still some serious issues to resolve.. for both of us.
I have to admit that I am feeling a little pressed for time because he graduates at the end of July and we clear the house the first week of August. I have to start making plans and am not really sure what to do. **big sigh**
Tell me about it. Both me and my H are coming up on new leases, my H is gonna be gone for training most of the summer, and we're also both independently looking to buy a house next spring/summer. I feel like something needs to be decided before we finance houses - either it has to be together or there needs to be legal S or D papers to avoid complications. It's hard when you have things happening in your life that make you feel like you HAVE to figure things out. However, it's a big 180 for me to let things go at his pace and not bug him about stuff - both little and big. It's really hard to do sometimes, but maybe he's picking up some of the slack out of necessity?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ooh, that's a tough one. I can understand your frustration.
For us, there's not much of an option when I think about it. I'm not moving to GA in the next 2 years and he can't stay here. I'm probably getting ahead of myself. I wish he could get a family waiver and stay here til S16 graduates. It's hard for me to think about taking the kids out of this nice quality of living in a house big enough for all of us in a stable, safe community and me and the kids having to go to something really small in a less than desirable part of town. Even if I moved to GA with him, the housing there is horrible and we'd have to live off post. The town surrounding post is very bad and there's no way I'd want us to live there or let S16 go to high school there even if we lived on post. But I'm trying to take SMW's advice not to "borrow trouble". One day at a time. Sometimes, that's one HOUR at a time. lol
I just listened to a voice mail message that H sent 2 wks ago that somehow I missed. In it he's saying that he's sorry for all the things he did to destroy our marriage to the point where it wasn't fixable anymore. He said that we both just need to move on and accept that we aren't good for each other and that we can't be married to each other anymore. Hm.
I was thinking today that at those times where it seems like he misses me or wants to stay with me, I'm wondering if it's not really ME, per se, but rather not wanting to be alone. He seems to strike out with every woman he tries to start a relationship with (some of this I've heard through the grapevine). But my counselor said that he may act like he wants me because he keeps getting rejected and he just doesn't want to be alone. Plus, he misses the kids. I want him back but I want him to CHOOSE me, not be with me out of default and not wanting to be alone. I'm the Queen Bee or I'm outta here! lol :-)
