Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us struggle, part 4

LISD

I have read threads where people have discussed the pros and cons of this - start your own....I am sure you will get some strong replies.

I too am biased towards exposure. The only thing is it can be extremely explosive and there is very little control in it. However - I refused to be a doormat and thought the sooner the truth was out the better. Worked out ok for me - look at my signature. However it does backfire for some.

You make a good point Saffie. If you expose, be ready for the chit storm that will accompany it.

I didn't expose right away after I found out about the affair. I thought WW would end it after I found out about it and OM had moved ~250 miles away. And I think she attempted to end it, but couldn't give it up. So then she made up a story that I foolishly believed and she went to see him. And when I busted her when she got back but didn't immediately kick her out, I think she went into cake eating mode deluxe. And when she took off to see him a couple more weekends I realized that it wasn't going to end anytime soon on it's own and I couldn't stand by and let her leave for the weekend and go spend it with OM. That's when I decided to expose.

So I don't really feel bad at all about exposing. Layered exposure eventually ended the affair (as best I can tell) and it gave me some self respect back. I just got to a point where I didn't care if exposing ended my marriage or not, I was not going to put up with the abuse, disrespect and lies any longer.

Thanks h4u and Saffie. I will start another thread on this. I am struggling because I see my sitch the same as h4u. Miles between them has not stopped anything, so it seems.

Saffie, I posted a question for you on my thread ("2008 = Crazy Year", sorry cannot figure out how to create the link on the Mac yet). If you have a chance, would appreciate your thoughts.

Personally, I think exposure right at the very beginning is best whilst shock can still be huge. I think some of the drive/force is lost if you wait for exposure and then the 'shock' value is lost.....it kind of gives the unfaithful S too long to think and justify their actions too themselves. Also if they lie and get you to belive them I think they thinnk they can just keep pulling your chain. I guess I am trying to say that firmness and consistency are important factors.

I also think timing has an effect - how long the A has been going on. The earlier it is when it is in the heady hormonal stage the harder it is to break whatever you do.

Puppy started a thread called something like 'What would you do different' and that had some pretty interesting stuff on it - find that and read it.

Saffie,

The A started around Dec 30 / 07. First time PA was Feb 4 / 08.

Ok, back to my sitch......Seems like another pullback going on. Weekend was pretty good, Monday night when we got home from cookout/grad party WW was in pretty good spirits and talkative. Tonight, NOPE. Answers my questions in my attempts to engage her, but nothing else. Some answers have come in face gestures or shrugs of her shoulders.

Ok Pup, As waywards get further along in WD/de-fogging, do the pullbacks come as often but not as severe? Seems like the last few pullbacks have not had a long time between them, but they don't seem like they're as severe as they were just a few weeks ago. And it seems like there is a pattern where she's good every weekend and then during the work week her moods really swing. Triggers for OM since that's where they met?

Funny I should comment about hating on the exposure thread, because tonight I find myself really HATING her. Came close to blowing up a bit ago. I looked at her and just saw RED at what she's done. But I didn't and have calmed down some. It's probably good she's not talkative tonight. I'd probably say something I regret.

H4U,

I am by no means an expert. All I can share with you is my own experience with my formerly wayward wife, plus those couple of people I've worked with, and the stories I've followed on these boards (and one other). And with that, I will say that it varies (yeah, I know, some help). In GENERAL, I would say that they begin to come both not as often and not as severe, but again, your mileage may vary.

What I looked for was the content of my wife's reactions after she lashed out at me. She was genuinely remorseful, and her notes and conversations to me reflected an introspection and an understanding of what she had done, so I was okay with her vile outbursts and "pullbacks" as you call them.

Puppy

That's the thing Pup, there aren't any vile outbursts or anything like that. These what I consider pullbacks are more like we'll have anywhere from 3-8 days where it seems like we're making progress and then all the sudden she's quiet and unresponsive. But it's not like in these "pullbacks" she's introspective. I still have not seen anything close to what I would consider her being remorseful. It's almost like it was 2 months ago when she said "you just need to get over it" and "we'll see how it goes between us".

I feel like I need to push things, but at the same time, we're getting along ok although it's like having a room mate. Like last night. I saw her looking at one of the local university's website for continuing education. She's mentioned before maybe taking some classes but with the kids growing up and how much I traveled for work it just never worked out. But now that the kids are either gone or pretty independent and I don't travel for work as much, it wouldn't be a problem for her to take some classes if she wants to. But she never said a single word to me about it. No, "what do you think", no "I think I'm going to take a couple classes", nothing. It's like she's just planning her life without me and the kids and if we don't like it, tough.

H4u

I am getting the same all the time so can relate, although you are farther down the path than we are. We sleep in the same bed, live under the same roof but she shares nothing right now of her life.

Guess all we can do more of the same? Especially when there are occassional glimmers (in your case more than in mine).

Doesn't seem right to me.

When was the last time you checked your intel?