Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think she wants to be friends

She sure was trying to jerk my chain last night. I think I did a pretty good job of not letting her. I finally told her to go ahead and do all the stuff she was threatening, I didn't care. I think she could tell by my voice I was serious as she basically dropped the convo (and the phone reciever). I did try to give her an out for all of that spew this AM.

I don't know about OM. From what I could tell she was ignoring him. He doesn't mean anything to her and maybe the novelty/his usefulness has run its course. I hope she thought about which one of us she really wants last night. I also hope this drove a wedge between her and his large ego.

What happened with OM was a totally unexpected bonus (all good) and being able to hear part of their exchange was nothing short of devine intervention.

I gotten a little out of control lately (I'm blaming it on being just divorced) but something is keeping me from straying too far though Lord knows I've tried a couple of times.

"God has already programed everthing that will happen in our lives so we don't have to worry about it" My 8 yr old daughter

Sleeper,
couple comments. I totally agree that your situation is not over. your wife has not released you. She clings to you even now. You can count that as a positive in your situation. Imagine the opposite where there was zero contact whatsoever.

Ok, so she clings to you. Even still, the nature of it is not healthy. She wants you to run errands for her. this is highly irregular. If it were me, I would refuse, as politely as I could, to get beach towels, groceries, or etc. You are no longer a domestic partner. Period. That's her issue. Where you draw the line on responding to her requests is up to you, though, obviously.

Second thing - I would strongly advise against using time-with-the-children as a weapon. I'm with Bworl, if you want to send a message, send it. Just don't use the kids as a messenger. Imagine what your kids will feel - "mom doesn't want me. Dad doesn't want me. Who the hell am I if no one wants me?"

Gosh, take then, take them, take them, whenever you can. Delight in them as I know you do. This time will not last forever. They need encouragement, especially now. They are the innocents.

As for what happens next - this loaf of bread ain't done baking. Patience, even now, post divorce, seems to be the thing. People think Divorce is the END, the SOLUTION. But that is not the complete story - It is not merely an end to a couple, but it is also the beginning to a new life. That life may or may not be what people envisioned it to be. Some people need to live it, before understanding it.

Patience. We are all with you.

As for dating - hmmm, that is a highly personal decision. I do not think dating at this point would be dishonest or immoral. It is reality. You will not sit around waiting forever. Dating is normal and healthy and will be good for you, in my opinion. That is true whether you are waiting for your marriage or not. But I know this is a highly personal issue.

Let's see, the words for politely declining to get beach towels, etc.

"Oh, you need towels? You must be really busy getting ready for the trip, with everything going on. Geez, I'm sorry but I have some plans for tonight and tomorrow so I won't be able to help you. (Sorry!) I wish I could. [here you could even elaborate on your plans - I'm changing the oil in the car, I'm watching a movie with friends, I'm going to check out a new museum exhibit, etc. Doesn't matter what the plans are, the point is to show that your plans take precedence over her needs, now that you are no longer married. ] I hope you're able to get some rest!"

As cheerfully as you can.

would that work?

So W called the morning after the "fight" and said we needed to "resolve" this and asked that I meet her and kids at a store.
I meet them, spend most of my time looking for clothes for her and kids (they needed some). We only spoke two or three sentences about our disagreement but I guess that was enough.

I leave them at the store and she immediately calls me, thanks me for helping her shop. She said I found some really great deals and if I hadn't been there to help with kids she would have spent a lot more money or not gotten as much for kids.

Later in the day she calls as says I "should think" about going with her and kids on vacation this weekend.

So last night she calls about bring kids to me. We actually had this back and forth TM about it which was weird because it's my week to have them. Weird because there was no demanding on her part about how it would play out. I agree for her to bring them to me even though it was late because they had been out all day on Memorial Day activities.

When she brought the kids over she came in the apt for the first time since Christmas. She wanted to see the pets I've gotten for the kids over the past few months. She then lingered in the kitchen. She wanted something to drink, something to snack on. She tasted what I was cooking. I finally asked if she wanted a doggie bag. She nooded. I fixed her a bag of things to take with her.

It was a little weird. Could it be that me going out on a date has made her realize I won't be there forever for her? did what happened the other night make her realize she's still in love with me? (glad OM told her and not me). Did she come in last night to see what she is missing in the children's lives when they are with me? (I'm pretty domesticated and the kids have told her all along my place is more fun than hers).

It's ironic to me that I stayed true to our marraige all through the separation and when the D was final and I did go on a date it may have shaken her tree enough to make her really think about what she is losing.

True to form she has presented me with another "catch 22."

Saw x-W today, we talked about vacation this weekend.(first time I've brought it up for months, she brought it up yesterday). I offered to get the car ready, asked when she was leaving and when she'd be back. From her responses I learned two things:

1.She has asked "all" her friends, no one else is interested in going.
2.She didn't plan on us going in the same car or me staying the entire time.

I feel I have two choices now:

1.Not go at all (using the true excuse that my air conditioner in my car is out).
2.Go for a day or two and come back alone (maybe be gone on a trip of my own by the time she returns as the remainder of the week is her week to keep the kids).

Any ideas?

It really doesn't matter what we do anyway, does it?

Sleeper,

I think if I were in your shoes I would find a way to gracefully bow out of the vacation trip.

You've had several positives in your interactions with your wife lately.

Most recently you've had a few tense moments.

And now you get the message that you are not really wanted for the whole vacation.

In the interests of being a man who is truly getting a life and respecting her divorce boundaries, I think I'd leave her to this vacation on her own.

When she begins to miss you, or think that you're pulling away to far, you tries to draw you back in. At least that's my impression.

Unfortunately, this little dance could go on for quite some time.

I personally don't like dancing to someone else's tune.

Maybe it's time to change things up a bit. Let her go this one alone due to other plans that you have. Let her know again that your life is not about waiting around to see if she wants you around or not.


You asked for opinions. That's mine.


Blessings,

Bill

I agree with Bworl. You're denying her the opportunity to miss you.

Thanks guys.

I may be overanalyzing but here's what happened last year. I didn't go. She tried to get me to go, made multiple offers. At first she was shocked but her shock turned into fury. When she returned she instructed her lawyer to file for divorce.

I'm thinking about driving my own car, stopping by to spend a day or two with her and kids, and then continuing on my own vacation. My plan is to time this so that I arrive toward the end of her stay so she can return home to my absence.

You guys are absolutely right. When she thinks she's lost me she initiates a flury of contact to either draw me back in or see if I am truly done with her. Once she feels comfortable I'm still here she backs off again.

I think another reason to go if only for a day or two is to make OM nervous. He's already not happy with her response to my dating.

If you think I need a 2x4 you have my permission to let me have it.

So, you're going to appease her? That shows her that she can control you. Stop.