Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? One love/One life/When it's one need/In the night

No, being scarred isn't a bad thing. It makes us who we are, gives us character....but we have to find a positive way to deal with the pain that put the scars there.

Unfortunately it works the other way on some people. I think your H (like my H) realized just how short life is and rather than appreciating what he had....became very selfish and felt entitled to do what he wanted when he wanted and it doesn't matter who is hurt in the process....because life is short and he deserves to be happy.

The problem is that he isn't doing things that will ultimately make him happy. He has to find that from within and he hasn't grasped that concept yet.

Glad it will be a slow week for you.

Wow. That's probably the clearest summary I've heard yet.

(((kris))) (((jeff)))

Oops forgot (((Ali))) and (((Kalni)))

Michelle,

It's been a while. I think your husband is a hybrid of two of the phrases he used. We've discussed it before, that the pace here in Iraq, and the mission focus is about as intense an emotional experience as you can get. I'm not sure that everyone wyho comes home from here is "scarred", even those who've seen some terrible stuff. Some are. No doubt about it. War is horrible. The rest, changed, yes, but scarred, no. A lot of guys continue to need that adrenaline rush post OIF/OEF. He seems to be one of those. That being said, he also seems to be incredibly immature. He does sound "out there", but he also seems terribly immature.

Scars imply healing over the wounds. I'm not sure how much of that he's done.

He definitely has become very immature. But that seems par for the course with WASs. I guess in thier own way they are each dealing with their own crises.

The problem with the adrenaline junkie part is that I don't know how to fill that. After 7 years I think certain parts of any R get a little routine. If he needs to be out drinking and flirting all the time to make himself feel like life is less dull, I don't know how to provide that for him at home.

Every R gets routine and its up to both people to keep the spark alive. I tell my H all the time that there is no "Entertainment Director" at our house and if your bored then WE need to make an effort as a couple to find a way to cure that or find something to do. Its not your job to entertain him anymore than it is his to entertain you. There has to be a happy medium where you find common things that keep the R going.

My M became too kid driven. My H was always working out of town and I had to take care of everything at home and so we just drifted apart instead of finding common things to hold us together.

The problem is...very few of the things he is doing to find some excitement appeal to me in any way shape or form. I'm up for going out with friends and all, but drinking 4 nights a week? Making out with random people in a bar? Those things aren't healthy for a R/M. His idea of spicing things up doesn't involve me right now.

But even if it did, I'm at a loss for what to do. The things we used to do don't seem to be enough for him now. Plus I'm specifically excluded from them. No camping, he won't take me shooting - still hasn't actually let me shoot his M14 which was his promise to me for my birthday 19 months ago.

And he's been so passive aggressive about telling me when he is bored or when anything is wrong anyways.

I guess in our case, our M became too school driven. Between work and school we were rarely home for more than an hour or two together, plus sleep. But separating didn't exactly fix that lol.

Michelle,
I know you are wise and mature, beyond your years I would say, you ARE a grown up... but 25 is still very young and especially for a guy. If he wasnt M, I'd say going out drinking and chatting up women would be pretty normal activities for a guy his age (certainly in the UK anyway) and not unhealthy. You guys did get M quite young by todays standards (again, by UK standards) is that something that he was keen to do? Did he want to create a solid R, unlike the one his parents had?

I have often thought that your H sounds perhaps emotionally immature. I still think that the root of his problems isnt so much war, as his upbringing, and the bad example his Dad set him.. his Dad, from what you said, has shown him how to be a commitment phobe and to run to the next piece of excitement.

I think thats what you are battling, not the OW or his war scars, although that stuff doesnt help of course?

At least he IM'd you.. who intitiated that then?
Ali xxx

Key words being, if he wasn't M of course. I'm not honestly sure why he wanted to get M so young. Besides the fact that it was far the best R either of us had ever been in and we were completely in love. I never pushed him about anything, never brought up moving in together or getting M. He initiated all of that. But since we had such a great R and he was so wonderful, I didn't see any reason to wait. Although I did insist on a year-long engagement instead of the 8 months he wanted. I still don't regret any of that...although obviously he does.

He always was so mature, even compared to my ex-bf who is turning 32 this year. That was one of the things I loved about H. He was funny, introspective, creative, and so very smart.

Then we were forced to live apart for 18 months. And we grew apart. And neither one of us knew how to fix that when he got home (of course, telling me something was wrong would have been a GREAT start). And he ran from it - his boredom, our problems, his nightmares, his memories. And now he's involved a 3rd person in this and is trying to screw up her life as well - of course, it's her choice, but I still feel bad for her sometimes because she is just that naively stupid.

As for our convo, I had IMd him earlier in the day to wish him a happy memorial day. It seemed way too weird not to let him know I was thinking of him on that day in particular. He IMd me later with thanks and then went into the taxes, and then camping, and then how life is so dull, and then the whole bit about the scarred vs. damaged thing.

Oh yeah, and if he wanted to create a solid R, unlike the one his mom and father had, maybe he should try acting more like his dad. They have one of the happiest M's I've seen and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to come in and M someone who already had one child.