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I'll watch your thread then to see what great and mighty wisdom you have for the struggling, like myself. :-)

I did speak to his 1SG about a month or so ago. He (and legal) told me that according to regs, he doesn't have to give me a dime while I am living in military housing. When I move off post (when the kids get out of school), I will get BAH Type 2 plus child support. There are no papers or anything (separation). The reason I mentioned earlier about section 8 housing is because, as a single mother, that is what I'll be able to afford. The job market is not looking too promising for a career stay-at-home mom of 4. H is quick to point out that he is I "am lucky that he is going beyond what he is obligated by army regs to give me". I told him that army regs shouldn't be his standard. His MORAL OBLIGATION to his children should be. He things $300 a month is enough for food, gas, phone, etc. I told him that $300 isn't even enough for groceries ALONE per month. He just has no concept about what it takes to manage a family this size. So he buries his head in the sand and stomps his foot in protest.

His 1SG contacted my H's 1SG at school to pull H in and talk to him. That just made him even madder. One of his chief complaints about me and one of the reasons he gives for "having to" get out of this marriage is that I "continually threaten [his] career by going to his command for everything". He's way off base in his assessment but of course, he doesn't see that. He comes from a family where absolutely NOTHING that's wrong gets shared with outsiders.

Ugh! so many typos in my post. Why doesn't the edit button work anymore? It says too much time has passed to edit or something like that. Wow, 3 seconds is too long? lol

Wow, all my kids are asleep except for S16. We were supposed to watch some comedies together but he knows I need Mommy time badly especially since the baby is such a momma's boy right now.

I might actually get to post some more things. lol Oh man, but I am so tired. I really should get some sleep. It's just so rare for the house to be quiet and for me to have time where no one wants me.

The new C told me to make myself as unavailable to H as possible and that a little mystique can go a long way. I kept myself busy this weekend. Fortunately, it was a holiday weekend and there were lots of things to do. Lately, my inclination is to hibernate but I know that that is no life for the kids. Needing to keep things as "normal" as possible for them is what motivates me to go out and do things. Each day of the 3-day weekend included: water, other people and lots of food. Just can't beat that.

I haven't spoken to him but I did send him an email yesterday with some digital military scrapbook layouts that I've done of him over the years. I told him in the email how proud I was of him as a soldier and for the sacrifices he has made in his life and in his body in order to protect our freedoms, etc. I just made the whole email about positive things and encouragements and praise and validation, etc. I got no response but I wasn't expecting one.

It was hard at the cookout we went to yesterday because it was with our old neighbors. I had an awesome time and they are good friends but it was weird that he wasn't there. Like one friend said, you can't even use the deployment mindset because you know he's not just at school, he's "gone" in his heart, too. At one point while I was standing in the sun watching the kids play soccer and feeling the "warm fuzzies" from the sun and the glass of wine I was drinking, I kept getting this feeling that at any moment, he was going to walk up beside me, put his hand on the small of my back and kiss my temple like he usually does when we're at a party. I had to walk away and do something else because I almost started crying. And like last night, while I was falling asleep, I kept expecting the BR door to open, him to come in, crawl in bed with me and put his arms around me, kiss me and say, "goodnight, Honey", like he's done a thousand times. I actually had to get up out of bed and walk around to shake it off. Times like these are almost haunting. I'm beyond crying now. I just feel the tightness but the tears don't come much anymore. Weird. I'm having a hard time thinking about good times because it is too painful. I have hundreds and hundreds of scrapbook pages of just about every family happening you can imagine, even normal, everyday stuff. Those are so hard to look at. But I keep the albums out for the kids because they need them so badly right now.

I'm trying to make sure that any contact I have with him is positive and DEPOSITS units into his "love bank". He had made a comment when I had asked him a question (in a text msg) that he wasn't in the mood to fight. I told him that that wasn't my intent and sorry it came across that way and that my fighting days with him were a thing of the past. He probably took that as me moving on towards a life without him. But I meant that the "fights" weren't productive in the past and therefore weren't necessary.

In regard to the saying, "the best revenge is a life well lived", I am trying to make sure that wherever he has contact with my life, he sees someone who is positive, optimistic, hopeful, growing and overcoming. Specifically, since we're not talking right now, this "picture" is coming from my blog (where I post family pics and talk about what we do), my Myspace page or my online galleries (where I post my scrapbook layouts). I'm pretty sure he checks at least the first two. When he calls to talk to the kids (he's finally caught on to my boundary of calling on the house phone), I am pleasant when I answer but I don't chat with him at all. Then when it sounds like it is getting near the end of their conversations, I busy myself with something outside to avoid being handed the phone.

Well, sounds like, as much as possible, you should try and respect his privacy wishes. Obviously if it is hurting you or, more importantly, the children, you need to put them first.

Perhaps you should get and send him a child care estimate. Maybe then he'll appreciate what it means for you to stay home. Also, if he is fighting you over the bills, send him a copy of a grocery receipt or something if you think that would get through to him.

As always, finances and kids are perfectly great reasons for contact. Avoid R talks though.

And plan the phrasing and timing to get the best chance of a pleasant and productive conversation from him.

Hang in there!!!!

Sounds like some really good boundaries and a good plan.

Let him miss you. Give him the space he so desperately wants willingly. He will appreciate it in the long run.

I still find sleeping alone the hardest part. That's when I miss my H the most.

The strangest thing occurred to me today and that was that one day, I'm actually going to be able to THANK HIM for walking away (regardless of whether or not he comes back) because it has FORCED ME to get stronger in areas that, for whatever reason, I had lost confidence in or had gotten lazy in. I used to be so independent but over the years have lost a lot of my ability to fend for myself. It's weird, too, because my Mom raised her daughters (of which I am the oldest) to be able to take care of themselves whether they had a man in their lives or not. But I learned in my first marriage from so many teachings and conditioning from our church leaders that I had to be "submissive" and I interpreted that as needing to be dependent so that the man didn't feel "usurped" or threatened by my strength. Then when I married my H, who is so much younger than me, I tried even harder to not be too strong so that he wouldn't feel like I was his mother or something. Craziness, I tell ya. I've been revisiting the "Proverbs 31 woman". That was one tough chickie and one smart cookie. lol She was a strange paradox but I am learning a lot from her.

LL

Here is what I did to my H in the last month to get him to understand EXACTLY what feeding a family of 5 (me and the kids) entails. I left the money he gave me in our joint account (the one he can see all the transactions on) and I have made NO cash withdrawals. I have used the Visa checkcard, the checkbook, or the debit card for that account for EVERYTHING that pertained to the house or the kids---groceries, school expenses, shoes, clothes from the thrift store, etc. He can see exactly where every penny went and that I was not spending money frivolously. The account even gives a snapshot of the face of the check to verify where the check went.

There were no transactions for gas because I use the money I get for babysitting for my niece to cover that and my cigarettes and bagel habit. I have a Durango and $40 did not even give me 2/3 of a tank of gas today--uuggghhh!

I think he has been looking, cause he madea point of telling me exactly what his pay will be on the first, what has to be paid, an what will be left--all of which he is putting in my account. Ironically, I pretty much know this anyway--HELLO I used to pay the bills!

Then again, maybe he is planning on coming home and figures it will be our money, not my money and it is okay to leave it all in the joint account???? I know, I know, rich fantasy life!

SMW

The problem with me speaking to him on the phone is that the sound of his voice (I've always loved his voice) makes me miss him soooo much. And then I feel hurt because he isn't often being very kind. It's like I start off my day in a good mood with a PMA and then he calls or I call him for something and he's a huge "buzz kill". He'll go on and on about negative stuff. His lack of compassion for me in general is really hard on me. Even before he moved out, he was acting "un" empathetic and "un" compassionate (I can't think of what the opposites of those words are). I've been feeling uncharacteristically weak and fragile lately so I am very guarded. My kids depend on me being in charge so I have to avoid anything that gets me to close to the edge.

Finances are the WORST for us. We are most definitely not on the same sheet of music. I will try some of those ideas, Michelle. They sound good.

SMW -

"rich fantasy life" is okay. :-) I call it "hope". When I think about negative possibilities, it makes me feel so down. It helps to throw some positive "what ifs" in there every now and then. :-)

I am soooo excited! I got a copy of DR! I had a little bit of cash last weekend and set out to find it in stores around here with no luck. I ordered it on Amazon but my card was declined. I have been so frustrated because I really want to read it. So I decided that God was trying to help me save the little bit of money I had and would provide it some other way.

Well, I went to lunch at a new friend's house who had been on the brink of divorce a couple of years ago. She hands me this book that she said she knew would help me a lot. When I saw what it was, I got goosebumps and started crying. Then she hands me, "For Women Only". I couldn't believe it!

I started reading FWO and was blown away by the chapter on "Your Love Isn't Enough" about respect being of utmost importance to guys. It was like light bulbs were going off in my head. Massive conviction about things I had done wrong. Things that I really didn't have a clue how damaging they were. The part where she writes that most men would choose feeling unloved and alone over feeling disrespected and inadequate really got me. Just about everything she said in that chapter about what women do, wittingly or unwittingly, to make their guys feel inadequate and/or disrespected....I did it. I felt such a knot in my throat and queasiness in my stomach. It made me cry.

Then the part about respect being a choice like love is a choice really got to me. We need them to show love to us even when we are unlovable....well, they need for us to show respect towards them even when they haven't really earned it. All kinds of things started popping in my head of ways over the years that I showed disrespect to my husband and I didn't even realize I was doing it.

I immediately wanted to call him and tell him I was sorry. Then I thought again. I am pretty good with words but I have to remember that actions speak louder than words. I could just spring up with all of these great realizations and promises based on how I'm feeling at this moment but down the road, what if he ticks me off again, will I resort to the old tactics? I don't think I will but he is in a place right now where he wouldn't trust it. He made a comment last week that I'm doing everything to try to rekindle things because I am afraid of being on my own. I know that is not true but that is how he sees it. And now that I think about it, I can understand why he thinks that. While we were together, too often my attitudes, behaviors and often my words showed that I didn't think he had what it took. I criticized him too much (although I thought I was "helping" him or "keeping it real" ). I took the reins too much (an "occupational hazard" of a military wife who's often left behind to hold down the fort, I'm sure. lol) I was impatient and wanted things done in my time frame. Too often, the bottom line or the destination meant more to me than my husband's feelings.

I really hope I get to take a "mulligan" (a golf term for a do-over). But like my friend said today, I can only control me. Whether we reconcile or not, I NEED to change these things about myself for current and future relationships (with my kids, friends, a future mate if it comes to that, etc.). What my H decides to do is on him. I can't control that. I can only be the best me that I can be. That's where my success will be.