Gineen-- I know for me, I was very co-dependent. It has to do with my upbringing, being a child of an alcoholic. We are trained from birth to accept the unacceptable, rather than face abandonment issues that run very deep. I know it all intellectually, but the heart is stubborn. I read on another thread, and it rings so true:
If it hurts, do what you have to do while it hurts. Do not wait for the pain to go away--it prolongs things. I kept waiting for the pain to stop, and used it as an excuse, giving in to my wants and contacting my stbx, even when he made it clear to me that he didn't want to support me emotionally anymore. At one point recently, he said that if only I had been stronger....
Do not show him your pain. They not only don't care, but they don't deserve to see it--it is too personal. Don't try to relate to them as you have always known them to be--they are not the same person right now.
I can only say this after degrading myself, begging him to come home over and over. It doesn't work. DB may work, if you are strong enough. Concentrate on GAL, focusing all you can on you and that precious baby of yours. How is your support system? Do you have help, other people you can lean on?
I remember during labor, how I was awed how each time I thought that the pain could not possibly get any worse--it did. And I survived it. This is a very similar process. Try to detach from the pain--observe it, look at it, experience it, then let it go in its own waves and time. You will survive it, even when you don't want to.
I will try to write more later, but I am glad you found this site--you are not alone.
It is weird to have that hope, since he really has moved on with his life so completely. I haven't talked to him or done anything with him in almost a year. And that followed months of weirdness, where our relationship was so strained. My brain seems to want to erase the whole "bad" time. I guess that will come in handy, once I get acceptence fully. I'd rather not keep reliving the pain.
As things stand, life is pretty good. I enjoy my job and am looking forward to the summer off with my kids. My in-laws are awesome. I will find a way to make the money sitch work. Grad school is almost over. I rediscovered my spiritual side and learned so much about myself. Everything will work out in the end.
As bizarro as it may seem to you (and to me in my sitch as well) right now, I'm confident you will get to the point (sooner than you think) where you'll be a-okay...and not even have to think twice about it, or qualify that feeling...
I just re-read the Unexpected Legacy of Divorce conclusion. Why is it that only LBS seem to give a crap as to what our kids really face in this new reality? I won't even try to bother stbx with the results of this study--he would see it as pursuing, and justify it all away.
All I can do is keep reading and try to help my kids deal with the fall-out of all of this.
My FIL asked if I would be ok at the 4-way tomorrow. I said yes. I decided that I will always love my h, and maybe someday, if and when his current romance ends, he will wake up to what happened and grow up. H's feet are still stuck in the concrete he created, while I have grown so much over the last year. But I also recognize that this may never happen, and it might when I cannot go back, myself. He apologized, saying that the stubborness was his trait that his son inherited. I said, maybe Dad, but he didn't inherit the morals, integrity and courage that you have shown.
I just walked past my D's room. She and her brother are on the floor, reading a mythology book together and laughing. How lucky am I to share in their world?
AlAnon meeting was very good. One of our members is retiring and moving to SC. While we shared, we also let him know how much his example has impacted each of us, in our own way. It is just such a good, positive place. A place where everyone, like here, is trying to grow and learn about themselves, the people they care for, and figure out what life is about. There is a sentence in the opening, welcoming new members: "You may not like all of us, but you will come to love us in a special way, the way that we already love you."
You can actually feel that in this room. More than even other meetings that I have been to. Just from our shared experiences, these people "get" me. It always feels good.
Now I am here contemplating what I will say to stbx at the meeting tomorrow. The issues left to discuss are 1. opposite-sex staying over while the children are present (he lives in a studio apt; the language reads that both of us would not do this, 2. IC and co-parenting coaching (thinking about asking him to explain how he came up with me having narcissistic personality disorder--his therapist assured me that she did not diagnose me with that), 3. discipline of the children should only be done by the birth parents (he was "insulted" by that request), and 4. a cost of living increase equal to his annual raise each year, rather than having to go to court to make adjustments.
I have no grand ideas that the divorce can be avoided at this point. I think I want to lay things all out on the table, and stop being a pathetic doormat. Just outline the facts of what is, what happened, and the boundaries that I think need to be in place going forward.
thinking about asking him to explain how he came up with me having narcissistic personality disorder
WASs are usually prone to projection. In fact, it's kind of a fun parlor game to take their statements, turn all the "you"s into "I"s, and see what they REALLY mean. So....do you think your H has narcissistic personality disorder?
Quote:
discipline of the children should only be done by the birth parents (he was "insulted" by that request),
Perhaps you should modify this by saying "or their legal spouses"? I understand not wanting a BF or GF to discipline the kids, but realistically, if either of you remarries, it would not be fair to the new spouse to leave them without the right to discipline at all. Kids would have a field day with that. And stbx would gleefully use his against you if he doesn't like your new man (which he won't, guaranteed - WASs never seem to think about the fact that them leaving means YOU might find someone new!).
