Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Donna--finding herself #25

I'm back from my Transformational Thinking retreat--I am so fortunate to have found this place! It is another piece in the puzzle, fitting in with all the other work I have been doing on me. It is really amazing how all of the messages, while from different perspectives, all lead to the same place of healing, of letting go.

I have a new sense of how things that happen are meant to happen...karma, or destiny, or some bigger plan we can't see. And I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, right now.

I big take-away thought: Suffering is not caused by an event, but by our RESISTENCE to the event. It is from within us.

I think the last bits of denial are finally melting away, and acceptence is taking its place. It is not a bad thing. And I recognize that things are always in a state of change.

Now, to be more grounded, I had a cousin and his wife drop in soon after I got home. Supportive, full of love. They were leaving as the kids got home--telling me about all of their adventures, while S12 hugged me time and again, happy to be home and with me to share it with. He definitely sees it as "visiting" his father...wish it wasn't so hard on him.

I wanted to drop in here and share a bit, but I am still processing all of the good stuff, too, so will probably write more during the week.

Hope all is well with you, friends

Donna, I am glad you had a good weekend. How are you feeling, by the way?

Strep is just about gone (if it was strep at all--I know that when the kids had gotten it, 2 doses of the antibiotic and they were good as new--not me!)

Just contemplative tonight. Are you all set for the grad?

wow.. I like that! very true. great statement. thanks for sharing

Glad it's better, Donna. I have been plagued by Strep in the past and it is awful.

Yep, all ready for the grad. Doing the packing tonight. Which is actually pretty easy.

Trip, give him a hug for me!

hey donna,

so sorry you were so sick, but you sound like you are doing much better. glad to hear it. stay strong!

Strong....

H was dropping S off from scouts when I got home. He stopped to talk to me for a minute, but it was still tense. He told me that S got his First Class and would get it at the last court of honor. I said that I hadn't been able to attend any of the courts this year (he is asst scoutmaster), and I hoped he would bow out so I could go to this one. He got pissed, said it was his responsibility, he needed to be there (bs--he is one of 5 asst scoutmasters--no one ever missed?) I said no, you CHOOSE to be there, even though I am asking you not to be, which is an answer to my question. Anyway, he just said forget it and left.

After I got the kids to bed, I called him to ask what time the court was, and to say that I would go for S; it was important to him that I be there. h agreed, then said the reason he stopped was because it was my mother's birthday and he thought I'd be thinking about her....um, that was 2 months ago, but I sincerely thanked him for thinking of me--it hasn't seemed like he has thought of me at all for a long time. We had this weird conversation back and forth--he is so defensive to the point of anger all of the time. He said that no matter what convo we have tried over the last year, it has always ended with me asking him to come home (there is a lot of truth in that), so I said, ok, listen carefully:
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO COME HOME. I DO NOT WANT YOU. Is that better? Can we get on with things, now? Amazingly, he calmed down and we talked a bit more about upcoming dates before we hung up.

Maybe if I keep saying it out loud like that, over and over, my heart will start to believe it, too.

I guess other things are shifting in me, as well, as I start to see more and more of stbx's flaws...I never, ever wanted to get to this place.

Sounds like that may help clear the air a bit.

Better yet, skip the call in the first place. You didn't have to fix his annoyance for him.

ot, friends...am I always going to feel this way? I hate that I still love him. I lied to him last night. I feel like I have to keep lying to myself, force myself to believe that I don't want him to come home. And the logical part of me knows that I am missing a man who no longer exists--the one who loved me is gone.

I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS!!!!

I hear him talking to the kids on the phone in the other room. And I just want to be on another planet. I don't want to hear how much he loves them, how nice he is, how hard he is trying to be a good dad. I don't want to start to hate him, become bitter. I don't want to be without him. Damn it....off to another AlAnon meeting. Please, please let this stop.