Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

I don't think it is so much about using the kids, I think it is about setting boundaries. It is true that he needs to see the kids, but it is also true that it has been his choice to go down this path. And seeing the kids less is part of the path. All you are doing is enforcing that.


(((((cw)))))

CW - sounds like you are doing well. Keep on with your boundaries, I am sure they are tough to enforce, but once you had your attitude change, you have been a rock. I hope I am not far behind you.

Glad you got the bed up the stairs - darn ants - I have to spray every once-in-awhile, but not too bad her in Ptown...

Have a great day - CBK

OK, need advice here. Have been trying to DB well all weekend.

Very little contact. Saw each other yesterday at the tball game. He sat right next to me, got along well, per the norm. Was telling him that my niece is getting married at Disneyworld next Feb and that my sister/bro-in-law are paying for airfare and 2 nights hotel for the kids and me. Added him, too, if we're together but that they aren't betting on that. He said, "Might have to stick with you for a free Florida vacation then." We parted and he called the kids last night. He texted me that he was going to be at the club around 10:30am this morning if I wanted to bring the kids by for swimming, but would understand if I didn't want to. I responded that I will be leaving the club then after finishing yoga and thought that it would be best if the kids didn't see him b/c I kind of had plans, have stuff to do at the house and didn't want to explain to them why they can't hang with their dad. He said OK and that he'd workout later. When we left the club this morning, I texted him to tell him we were gone.

D6's birthday is next Saturday, as is her party. It's her Dad's weekend with her. I asked (via text) what his plan was for the weekend, if he was planning on spending Mem. Day with the kids because we were invited to a friend's cabin in Tahoe. (Friend, whose H moved out June 1, 2007 and moved back in last month, is a total DBer without knowing about DB, said he's not invited even if we get along well because he needs to feel this and have enough space to freak out with.)

He texted that he planned on hanging out with them Monday since he doesn't work and was going to see if I wanted to join them for some type of activity. That he hasn't planned D6's party yet and wanted to talk about it in the morning when he drops some of the kids' stuff off. (Also wants to say Hi to them.)

How do I respond? The party planning has typically been my domain, but I'm up for him doing it. Right now I have typed:

"Let me know what you are going to do, what you need me to do to help then, if you need my help.

Regarding Memorial day, I need to think. I just don't know if doing things together is a good idea for them or me. Gives hope because I feel we get along well, and false hope is bad."

Should I send it? How should I reply? What should I do about next weekend?

help!

bump ^

I would leave out "if you need my help" and make it sound like you assume he will not try to have a birthday party without you. To me, it sounds unsure of your presence at your own daughter's birthday. If he makes a move to exclude you, then the whole tone of things might change. As for monday, I am assuming that is your day. My take would be to nail down the party and making sure you are involved first. If he includes you there, then I would go ahead and include him in the outing to Tahoe. Ooh, I love Tahoe!

He's not invited to Tahoe. Very specifically not.

My friend who has the cabin has been a great resource to me as we, and our Hs, seem to have had to deal with almost identical situations. After 10 months of separation, he moved back in. When we were trying to figure out if we could come up, I said, "well, H and I get along well enough that he could come up, too. Then I think we could make it, otherwise I don't think they could." She was adamant that he wasn't invited and not because she didn't like him but because he pulled that crap on Mother's Day and a week later I'm rewarding him. She's right.

So, do I go to Tahoe w/out them? Or spend the Monday with them?

Well, obviously Ds bday trumps Tahoe. I am surprised you would even consider inviting H to Tahoe given your recent resolve that it's over for now. It will confuse your kids to give mixed messages I think.

I'm curious to hear the story of your friend's M and why her H moved back in.

I spoke with my D11's former psychologist recently and I asked her what she thought of my H's idea that he would have dinner with us and put the kids to bed most nights in the beginning of the S. She thought--and I agree--that there needs to be an established period of true S so that the kids aren't getting mixed messages/false hope. Over time, perhaps H can be included at times, but I agree that if the guy is choosing to move out, then he needs to fully experience that and, sadly, so do the kids. You can't be half separated, half together in my book.

I think you can when the party that leaves isn't sure what they want because it makes the transition for the kids much more gradual.

I thought of inviting him because I didn't want the kids to miss out on going with their good friends I guess. I didn't even think.

Of course my D's birthday trumps Tahoe. Her birthday, and party, is Saturday. I wasn't going to go until Sunday.

What I wonder is if I GAL to Tahoe or take H up on HIS invitation to do something together. Do I mention the false hope? Or is that pressure because it somewhat says to tell me that it's not false hop?

I guess I would say that I was invited to Tahoe, and if the kids want to come, they can.

I'd be really tempted to go to Tahoe, and let him have the kids Monday. It sounds to me that your friend could be a great source of support. Also, it would be a bit, or more than a bit of a GAL activity. It would also give him a bit of responsibility, and the time he spends with the kids might actually help you in the long run.

It's a bit of a tough call, but that's how I lean!

(((((((cw)))))))