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In my heart I do not believe your H will last with OW. And I truly believe his real happiness would lie with you.

If you really wanted to have the marriage of your dreams, though, you will need to be willing to really assess what he really sees in her, and it's more than the kids. You have a disdain for his desire to move up, to be seen as more. You see it as shallow.

Yet...that's important to him.

If you embrace that, honor it, work towards that, to fulfilling his heart, he will love you with a 'to die for you' love, most likely.

You never mention what she looks like (that I've seen). I don't have a sense that that is important. You have improved your appearance. I have an underlying suspicion that a sense of style is important here. And I'll bet you're not willing to play that 'game'. Correct me if I'm wrong. But to fill his heart, you will need to not judge that it fills his heart, but be willing to fill it.

He's not going to fill your heart first. He SHOULD. He won't.

But you still have time.

I want that happiness for you. I believe you're the best person for the job.

sg

SG

I totally have to disagree with you 100+%. I promise you, swear to god that I do not have distain for his desire to move up. I just cannot believe that you posted that.

I have done nothing but stand with him support him from when we started to go out, he decided he did not want to just be an emt, he wanted to better himself, be a paramedic. He was 20 yrs old, new to a job, and lived at home, which he just had to move back home to with his mother cause he could not afford to live on his own.

I gave him the money to go to medic school. I also switched cars with him, so he would have a better car to drive up and down to school with. This all happened before we were engaged.

H finished medic school, and passed the state test two months before we were married, in fact the day we got married he did not have a full time job I did. He did not get employment till six months later. Every sunday h would work 16 hrs, i would cook dinner for him and his multiple partners, cause i wanted and it meant a lot to me to have dinner with him. Even to this day if h as to ride the truck for the 7pm shift, I make it a point to come home to have dinner with him.

Six years ago, h and i were down the shore with some friends and we all went to a palm reader. She told h that he was going to get a new job in a white shirt. Well later that week the clinical coordinator at the time, resigned his position and h applied and got the job.

What i gave up for him, nights on call, weekends lost to work issues, holiday missed. Vacations postponed. I sat back to let him flower, to do the job he wanted to do. During this time h also decided he was going to go to nursing school. I supported him 100%. To this minute he has not completed his degree. He was required to get a degree when he was placed in the clinical position. he bought a degree in healthcare administration. I supported him in it.

I always listen to the issues he has, problem children he has to deal with. Going out the door at 1 am. Dinners interupted to go to the hospital to deal with a overdosed employee, or drunk employee. I to even did things for h and his staff. I cooked lunches for bike courses that were held to train them to be bike medics. I joined the bike team as a volunteer and for two years in a row, was the sole support person for 800+ mile bike trips from boston,ma to ronaoke, va in memory of two people we knew personally who died on 911, for their induction into the ems memorial. I gave up weekends to and summer holidays to do bike events, to provide water, and support and food.

Two weeks ago, h was told his boss, the director of the unit has decided to resign his position due to health issues. When h called me to tell me, after getting over the concern of his boss, I said to h, i asked h if he was going to apply, he said yes, I said, i can not see them interviewing anyone else, for you have done the job in the past, done it well. There is really no one else on staff to do the job but you. What was his answer, a cold yea i guess.

I for two weeks have been telling h, you can do this job, it would be good for you. H has voiced his concerns i have listened and validated, given positive support. I told him if he goes for it, great don't see him not getting the job, if he does not get the job he will still have his current one and I am proud in which ever job he is in. He knows this for I have told him this.

Even when h called this afternoon, after the vm of i'm going out, we discussed why h had to work tonight, I told h that he would make the right decision for himself and the unit if he had to deny someone a certain schedule.

So I guess in a way i have destroyed this marriage by putting him first. Being the proud wife, standing behind him supporting him thru and thru. There were so many times i wanted to go out to a movie or do something but i would get i'm tired and i would let him sleep, because i always felt his job was the most important thing for his happiness, and his success. Not mine. I sacraficed me and lost who I was. I am beginning to see that now.

I find to so painful that you think i did do not believe in him and what he wants in his career. I hurt so bad for nest thursday night, it is his big hospital awards dinner, where h is going to host, they have a special tribute planned with a plaque for his boss that is leaving. Know what , i am not invited to go. For the last two years suddenly i cannot attend. But i will bet you every penny i have, she will be there.

So i guess my h can be ruled by sex, the thought of children, cause he does not have either of that with me. BY HIS CHOICE. not mine. Not mine. Fill his heart. I am trying, his heart is behind a stone wall that he has built to keep me out.

No I don't know what she looks like. I don't think i want to know, some days yes some not so much.

Play what game with appearances, she wears scrubs at work, I at least dress in business clothes most of the time.

I don't know what to do to fill his heart, I don't have an answer anymore. I thought all that i did in the past filled his heart, i guess it never did.

I don't know how much time is on my side SG, i really don't. Finances are starting to become separated.

Your right he won't fill my heart, for he does not want to.

I hope maybe your perception is a little clearer of what I did do. Maybe it really was not enough. I did the best i could and i did what i knew how to do. If i was wrong, then i was wrong. Somewhere h has to take some part of responsibility for this falling apart. I am tired of hearing him say, i abandoned him, did not love him the right way he wanted to be loved, lack of sex, and no children, my staying in my job for so long and not bettering myself, no friends, wanting to spend time with him. Its starting be a broken record, one i am starting to get tired of listening to.

If h and her fall apart, and he decided he wants to come back to try to work on a new marriage with me, he has to turn the record over to the other side B. Side A is worn out.

For the first day i came here SG, you were one of the first people to email me and since then have given me great advice and strength to keep on going. I may not do everything to the letter you say i should do, but i take it all in and adjust it to my situation here in my home, for what works for me. It hurts that you think what you think, but i still admire you and have no hard feelings.

hugs
bear

I just lost a long post to you.


Please go back and reread your threads ... the things YOU posted. There IS disdain in there...perhaps I've said it wrong. I don't have time to do it now, if I get time, I will do it. It had to do with prestige in his job and the way others look at him.

You can say HE has to take responsibility, but it isn't likely to go that way first.

She may wear scrubs, but some gals can wear scrubs and look amazing. I'm not saying you don't look good...there are just some posts where YOU give a different impression.



Bear...I don't want you to be alone, and it is going that way. I find you are hardheaded.

Go back and read. With an open mind. More of things that sound like this from early on.

"I am tired of hearing him say, i abandoned him, did not love him the right way he wanted to be loved, lack of sex, and no children, my staying in my job for so long and not bettering myself, no friends, wanting to spend time with him. Its starting be a broken record, one i am starting to get tired of listening to."

Bear....I don't think any of this is your fault. If you say you're done, I'm here to help you move on. But unless I missed it, I thought your goal is to save your marriage....so I'm posting to you as to help you save it, as I believe it can be saved.

SG

I have to say you think its is distain about h and his job. I feel differently. I know his staff fears him and think he is an idol, god like. Some well i should say most are afraid of him.

I never meant it to sound like distain, I feel he put the job first, me second. And i allowed it to happen, i did not fight for my place. where i belonged.

What is the old saying, you can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I cannot make him look at me the way he looks at her. In your mind she must look amazing and i look like trash. His heart is closed off to me. I try the little things you have suggested in the past, show a little flirty look, let him see me getting out of the shower. NOTHING..he will not look at me. H leaves the room watches tv or reads the paper, sleeps or pretends to sleep.
So I should beg him to look at me. Lust for me like he lusts for her, no he should want me for me, yearn for me, want me like he used to. Its not going to happen, as long as she is in the picture. See me for me, for who i am

I know what is in my old post, I know how i feel about myself, fat, old, ugly self. But you know what sg. the past month i am beginning to love me, no matter what i look like. I am starting to love me. Loving me for who I am. Looking past my faults, telling me i am good looking, i am working on losing more weigh, i am getting there slowly, but getting there. A month ago i was in such a dark bad place, it frightened me, and i never want to go back there again. Will there be bad days, yes. But i dont ever want to go back there again. I am proud of myself for things i have done, kept my sense of humor, kept up with the gym, gone to work everyday, even when i did not want to or felt i did not have the energy to do so. But i have done it.

You may think I am selfish, maybe so, hardheaded maybe so also. For i have allowed my h for over a year to carry on an affair with another woman, and set few limits and ground rules. My fault ok if you say so. You may be right. I will not argue that point with you.

Pain and sorrow and hurt are in my old posts. A lot of negativity about me, feeling like i could not go on another day with out my h. Its been a year and i am still going on and growing.

Drop the rope i have been told let go. I have started to do that, and now i am wrong in your eyes. I do wish to save my marriage, i really do. But there will have to come a time, that it will not be savable. A step i want to take no, i look at it as a direction that i am standing towards. I have not started moving, just looking down the long road.

I think have come to a point, and starting to think how long am i going to allow him to treat me like this. I count i have feelings. There is happiness out there for me, i have to make it happen, with or without H. I feel i am changing towards yes there is life outside my h.

I dont think that if i was to return to school on monday, (which i have not given up on going to take an online course in a few weeks just deciding which one and college) Got a degree in a year, got a great job more money, lost another 40 pounds, his heart is wrapped up in her. I feel h would look at it as well your too late now. H has shut his heart off to me. I have not to him. Maybe he never really loved me,truly loved me for me. for i find it so amazing you can fall out of love with someone and find someone else and claim you love her now, and want to be with her.
I felt i grew in our marriage, my h did make me a better person, help greatly with my self esteem, my problems reguarding sex, but i guess i did not bloom or become the better person he wanted me to be.

SG i know you are trying to help me, and you have tremendously more than you know, for you think i do not listen to you, do what you say. I do maybe not to the perfect letter but i do. Saving my marriage is still my goal, i am beginning to look ahead for me. For what i want, for where i am going. I don't want to fight with you, you may be right on some things. My mind is open. I know you and others believe our marriage can be saved, so do i, but he is not ready to try again to save it. Will he ever be, i don't know.

I am going away for the weekend for my dad birthday, so i will be back on sunday pm.

hugs
bear

THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE.

I think you are worth waaaaaaaaay more than him or her and you deserve way better than you are being treated and can find someone way better....and maybe SHOULD.

I believe you look sweet and way better than you give yourself credit for, you have amazing eyes, are wonderful to talk to, you actually have something to say. I believe you have a warmth neither one of them can begin to radiate themselves.

I like you so much. I am so concerned that you choose to be alone so much and chose this dingbat as your best friend and I don't want you to be alone. I know that you are most likely right in your assessment of what went on in your marriage.

What I say to help you comes from what I've read from you.

And I'm pretty sure that no matter how right you are that the way to save your marriage is the different path. Seeing it differently.

I don't think you 'SHOULD'. I just think you still have the chance if you want it, and if you do, you have to look at it and go about it differently. If you want him back, change your mind and actions about what you think you did and he did or didn't do.

If you want to move forward without him, keep on as you have been.


I'm proud of you and in your corner either way. And I'd choose YOU as my friend, not him or her.

THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE.

I think you are worth waaaaaaaaay more than him or her and you deserve way better than you are being treated and can find someone way better....and maybe SHOULD.

I believe you look sweet and way better than you give yourself credit for, you have amazing eyes, are wonderful to talk to, you actually have something to say. I believe you have a warmth neither one of them can begin to radiate themselves.

I like you so much. I am so concerned that you choose to be alone so much and chose this dingbat as your best friend and I don't want you to be alone. I know that you are most likely right in your assessment of what went on in your marriage.

What I say to help you comes from what I've read from you.

And I'm pretty sure that no matter how right you are that the way to save your marriage is the different path. Seeing it differently.

I don't think you 'SHOULD'. I just think you still have the chance if you want it, and if you do, you have to look at it and go about it differently. If you want him back, change your mind and actions about what you think you did and he did or didn't do.

If you want to move forward without him, keep on as you have been.


I'm proud of you and in your corner either way. And I'd choose YOU as my friend, not him or her.

SG

Your words have brought tears to my eyes once again. But they are not tears of sadness, they are release tears.

You are right i should find some one who will love me for me.

If you are referring to yourself as a ding bat, I would not want to be friends with any other kind of "bats" At least we are all good bats here. Not scary kinds.

I have found such love and support here it is amazing, Truly amazing from sg, to the wonderful Jeanette, W2G and Jenny F. Such strength is amazing in all of you.

This week has been very critical for me, I am facing the fact that this is going on for too long, my h is not coming back, for i cannot convince him to come back, he has to come back on his own want to come back.

I went down the shore and had a talk with the neighbor who has been like an uncle to me, I told him what was going on, i let it all go, only got misty a few times. The words of advice he gave me were unreal. He was right, on so many levels. All weekend i listened to some songs i had on my ipod new and old, and realized some lyrics held the key in some things i was feeling.

So between this week and the different way I have been feeling, the talk with my "uncle", some soul searching. I now know i cannot stop this divorce from happening. I have come to face it. Its been too long,

I have looked inside myself and realized i have given it my best shot. I have faced things i thought I would never thought i would face. I beginning to realize I think my h was involved with someone else before this woman he is with now. And i think it was my best friend.

I look at it like that was yesterday, My world was shattered, but i stand here with my pride, fighting back tears, knowing i gave it my all to fix this marriage to improve me. I see my improvements, i know i have become stronger, and better, and will be a better person in the end of all this. My heart is broken, but mending will take time, it is happening, but my mind now knows, i gave it my all for this marriage, my true all. He has not.

I now know, 24 months is too long to be unloved, and unwanted. Its time to let go truly, let go and now do for me.

I am moving forward, if things are to change with h then we will see, only time will tell in that department.

THis weekend i only took one call from him, I was like two minutes, i just had nothing to say, guess she was not around so he was like oh i guess i will just go to the mall and walk around,. Go h, you don't need me to go to the mall with you, this is what you wanted, you now have to deal with the seeds you have sowed. You wanted nothing to do with me, pushed me away, stopped loving me. Now you are lonely. All i have to say to that is and it may sound sour and bitter to you all, but good, h welcome to my world. Well i should say my old world. For a new one I am trying, no making a new one for me.

SG, it is my honor to have you as my friend, a true honor.

hugs
bear

Bear - I haven't followed your story, I am very new to DB,but I know exactly how you feel. Me and my H have been S for 2 1/2 years. We dated for a 9month period in there, but that was 10months ago and when he decided not to see me anymore, it hurt worse than the first S. Good for you wanting to move on for yourself! I think you will find your H will notice and it will make him think. Whether or not he will make any movement toward you, I don't know, but if you are really doing it for yourself, it doesn't matter! You won't be lonely for long. Good luck to you, I will think of you and it will give me strength!

Rusty

1st off welcome to DB, you will learn so much and get some wonderful advice from the folks here. they will guide you in the right direction for sure.

There was never any "dating for h and I" I would try ask him to the movies, he would go looking like he was having a miserable time. I could not even get him to hold my hand.

Good luck with your stitch
bear