I have lots of contact with XW and OM (now Mr. XW)
"Mr. XW", I like that. Describes the Mr. XW in my sitch too... in a very telling way. He is a little @ss-kisser and essentially XW's lap dog. I am actually surprised that he didnt take her name. Actually she still has my name so perhaps Mr XW and I could have same name by that line of reasoning. We could be real hommeys!
Ok, NOT! But whatever.
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spend the holidays with them and my kids
Oh man.... you are way better man than I. First off... OM is totally affraid of me. Secondly... I honestly dont know if/when I would ever be ready for that one.
I admire your ability to prioritize your time with your kids over and above anything you may feel about OM. Good on ya.
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and see her thinking that it had no more significance than say trading in a car and thinking I feel the same
Ditto in my sitch. My ex took up with new guy... a former friend of mine and husband of a friend of hers mere months after (that we know of) after we separated. Thinking everyone would understand... including ultra-conservative church-going family... meaning her parents, etc. Everyone was shocked to say the least. Devastated is the better word. Yet she did not appear to miss a beat. Me out, him in. That quick an simple. Trade-in pretty much describes it.
How do they get that way? There is no more clinical way to put it than "Duuhhhhhh!". They walk away from a longterm marriage with kids, home, interconnections through family and friends etc.... an just show up with new guy? Excuse me but WTF?
Is it partly because chicks on Sex and the City and Friends bounce around with whomever? Is this a new thing in our culture or has it always existed. Are we the ones missing something and our ex's just being normal. I didnt think so but the behaviour is so frequent.... I am beginning to wonder.
Anyway... I can relate to your post.
I am willing to get along better with my XW but sadly it is just not realistic at this point. Good on you for getting along with yours in spite of some serious stuff.
and see her thinking that it had no more significance than say trading in a car and thinking I feel the same
Ditto in my sitch. My ex took up with new guy... a former friend of mine and husband of a friend of hers mere months after (that we know of) after we separated. Thinking everyone would understand... including ultra-conservative church-going family... meaning her parents, etc. Everyone was shocked to say the least. Devastated is the better word. Yet she did not appear to miss a beat. Me out, him in. That quick an simple. Trade-in pretty much describes it.
How do they get that way? There is no more clinical way to put it than "Duuhhhhhh!". They walk away from a longterm marriage with kids, home, interconnections through family and friends etc.... an just show up with new guy? Excuse me but WTF?
Is it partly because chicks on Sex and the City and Friends bounce around with whomever? Is this a new thing in our culture or has it always existed. Are we the ones missing something and our ex's just being normal. I didnt think so but the behaviour is so frequent.... I am beginning to wonder.
Chaz,
I think it is pretty simple. Even though they were raised in "Christian" families and claim to be "Christians," they are only concerned about themselves. When they think they can no longer "get" anything out of the M, they take off looking for something new...... It is just plain good old fashioned self centeredness....
Do you they EVER ponder their Hs could have had several "opportunities" but stayed because they believed in the illusion of M?
Do I think their behavior is "normal?" If you are Narcissistic...
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 05/21/0804:13 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Also, my X doesn't see that there is anything to be cut up about over the D. I look into her eyes and see her thinking that it had no more significance than say trading in a car and thinking I feel the same (which I don't, of course, but that's none of her business). That disconnect is what made it easy for her to walk from our M (and her M before that one) and doesn't bode well for her new hubby, although I personally hope he dumps her. It'd be a nice switch for her.
bigAl,
Your exW seems a LOT like mine. She said, "It is NO big deal. People get divorced ALL the time." I wonder how they will (NOT would) feel when someone does it to them. They would probably want the SOB hung by his scrotum.
I am sure you have heard this before. But, I will say it. It is a shame your M ended in D. However, it seems like your exW is just not a "normal" woman with "normal" female feelings and tendencies. You are much better without her.
I also think it is good you can spend time with all of them. To me, it shows you are moving on with your life.
Take Care,
NMD
Hey, mine too. I haven't seen her since the it's over speech, but the way she acted before was as if ending a long term R, without trying to do anything to explore if it could be saved was the most normal thing in the world. I was the one with the problem and I should treat it as an opportunity to catch up on one of life's big lessons!
She has probably been the one to walk from all her Rs. So she sees this as being nothing unusual. Why work on things when you can experience a new R instead? How great is that! If it hurts me then that's my problem. Marriage, what was that about?
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
She has probably been the one to walk from all her Rs. So she sees this as being nothing unusual. Why work on things when you can experience a new R instead? How great is that! If it hurts me then that's my problem. Marriage, what was that about?
MaxP,
I think they think M is about "getting what you can." When it no longer makes you "happy," you can blaze off into another R/M... It is a sad and pathetic way to live.....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I'm not sure about that in my case. I think my W got married because she wanted to and believed she was doing the right thing at the time, not because of what it would give her. It was also exciting, however, I think being married made her feel trapped and she reacted strongly to that. I could have been more attentive to what was going on too. In the end she just wanted out and to be free again, the fact that I hadn't been working hard enough on me or the R made it all the easier to make that decision. She fell out of love, but sort of wanted to, if that makes sense.
The thing is, she'll keep doing it. However, if it doesn't cause her emotional distress then she sees nothing wrong with it. It's the line of hurt people she leaves in her wake that she won't face up to.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
I'm not sure about that in my case. I think my W got married because she wanted to and believed she was doing the right thing at the time, not because of what it would give her. It was also exciting, however, I think being married made her feel trapped and she reacted strongly to that. I could have been more attentive to what was going on too. In the end she just wanted out and to be free again, the fact that I hadn't been working hard enough on me or the R made it all the easier to make that decision. She fell out of love, but sort of wanted to, if that makes sense.
The thing is, she'll keep doing it. However, if it doesn't cause her emotional distress then she sees nothing wrong with it. It's the line of hurt people she leaves in her wake that she won't face up to.
Max
Max,
It understand what you are writing. However, it is twisted.
I meant they stay in the M to get what they can while can... Then, they blaze off....
It is really sad to see how some people can just hurt others and walk away... HOWEVER, I believe God or karma will catch up to thes....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Well, just spoke to my W on the phone for the first time in several months. The conversation was fine, surprisingly normal really. There was much house stuff to talk about, but we spent some of the time catching up on our respective news, jobs, family and common acquaintances.
No mention of meeting up, but I've come to the conclusion that it's worth trying to since things were emotionally pretty calm. I think the ball is in my court on that front. It should become apparent pretty quickly whether it (friendship and continued contact) can work or not.
Hope all are well.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
